Post by Crispin nó Gentian on Mar 22, 2011 0:47:11 GMT -5
Below's a short story I've written and i'd like some good feedback on it.
The city has suffered from the decline of the Industry, having jobs be shipped over seas, and people moving out of state. That much was clear to Terri. She lost her job in the Industry when it cut jobs to try to stay afloat. Now one of the homeless, Terri faced what other Street Walkers faced: a safe place to sleep, money for food, worry over what little belongings they had. Walking along the sidewalk, Terri pulled her wagon behind her. The others that walked paid her no mind. Terri was nothing to those who had jobs and a true place to live. She had to leave the abandoned building she was using as a home due to the fact it was slated to be demolished.
She had thought about illegally crossing the border north to find a job and a place to stay. But memories of stories of people who got caught doing that and were jailed for it. Even the Northern Country didn't want more homeless. The buildings that Terri could see were in various stages of decay with nature reclaiming them. In her wagon, Terri had what little she could pack when she lost her apartment. From what non-perishable food she had bought two days before being evicted, to some clean clothes and bedding items.
Terri watched a man in a business suit head right for her, not even noticing her. Too involved in his phone conversation with his bluetooth in his ear. Terri didn't even bother to move out of his way. She stopped when the man was a few feet away and allowed him to walk right into her.
"Hey! Watch where the hell you're going, you filthy Street Walker," the man shouted. "Sorry," he said into the bluetooth. "I've got a Street Walker that doesn't know her place." The business man stepped around Terri, continuing his phone conversation.
Terri sighed and continued on her way. Ever since she began living on the streets, Terri had seen those types of people at least once a day. The homeless were seen as the scum of the earth. The Untouchables of the city, as it were. A cold wind hit Terri, causing her to shiver. She looked around, hoping to find a small abandoned building to sleep in for the night. The winter was not kind to those living on the street. The building was a small business building that had been foreclosed on. Terri got in and found a place to organize her bedding. Secure in her lodgings, Terri made her way out to the front and put out a hat on the sidewalk, sitting down facing the street.
"Donations? Anything helps," she said to those passing by. "Donations."
No one even glanced at Terri when she spoke. She still continued to ask for money, even as people continued to ignore and pass her by. Time and sunlight ticked by and Terri gave up asking for money. She picked up the hat and made her way back to the abandoned office building she claimed for the night. There she found a man setting up his own spot. Panic hit and Terri rushed over to her belongings to take stock of everything.
"Don't worry," he said. "Nothing's missing."
"How do you know that?" Terri asked. "Did you rifle through it?"
"I've been minding them. That so wrong?"
Terri stopped looking through her things and looked at the man. "And you are?"
"Marcus, fellow Street Walker. You?"
"Terri." She moved to her bedding. "So, what happened to you?"
"Small company was shut down by a bigger one. The large company only carried about money."
Terri pulled out her bedding and began to make a nest of sorts. Marcus seemed to be a little too... clean to have lost his job and home that long ago. No one looked that good after two weeks of living on the streets. Terri herself was dirty, her hair was greasy, and she smelled horrible. Still, Terri gave him credit for surviving. She settled into her bed and looked to Marcus. There was something about him that didn't sit well with her.
The next morning, Terri woke to find that Marcus had leave. "Good. Didn't like him anyway."
She got up and packed her thinks. Best just to move onto the next abandoned building and use that for a home. Just like before, Terri was ignored by those going about their business.
Just another day in the city that time forgot, Terri thought. In an hour or so, her stomach gave an empty rumble. She didn't have money to get something to eat. That wouldn't stop her from walking into a grocery store. She had that right still. Terri trodded down the sidewalk, easily avoiding the other people, and found a grocery store. Locking her wagon up and making sure her belongings were secure, Terri headed inside and casually walked up and down the aisles. She stopped in the deli area and looked at the bags of chicken on the warming cart. Grabbing a bag, Terri headed down another aisle with the hope that she could make it to the door, to her wagon, and on her way before getting caught.
Terri made her way through the store and somehow managed to sneak outside the door, hidden by a group of people, and nearly gotten hit by a car while rushing to her wagon. Unlocking it from the pole she had used for locking up her wagon, Terri rushed as fast as she could from the store before anyone could come after her. Down the street, she stopped and caught her breath. She got away with it, and that might be her one lucky time she did. Now with her breath, she headed down the sidewalk a ways before she found an alleyway to sit and enjoy her stolen chicken.
"I guess we can't get away from each other," Terri heard from down the alley. Startled, she jumped to her feet and readied herself for a fight. "Relax, Terri. It's only me, Marcus."
Terri watched as Marcus emerged into what little light shone into the alley. "So, what brings you to this alley?"
"Some peace and quiet. I can't take those pompous Light People and all of their "I'm better than you because I have a job" crap."
Terri turned back to her wagon, where she had put her bag of chicken, and grabbed it. She sat down next to Marcus and opened the bag, offering it to him. He took a piece and Terri took another. She ate in silence, enjoying the taste of real food for once in who knew how long.
"So," she spoke up. "where are you off to next?"
"I was thinking the border. Maybe there'll be jobs in the North." Marcus took a bite of his chicken, chewed and swallowed. "It's gotta be better there than here."
Terri took a bite of chicken and mulled the thought of joining Marcus to the North. Yes, she's entertained the thought before, but maybe, just maybe, she has a better chance with him than alone. "I want to go with you."
"Really? I pegged you for one too scared to even get near the crossing."
"I guess I'm tired of scavenging, begging for money, and stealing food." Terri held up the bag of chicken. "It must be better in the North than it is here."
"Well then..." Marcus fell silent. "Let's go then. No point on sitting here when we've got miles to burn." He stood and offered a hand to help Terri stand.
She finished her one piece of chicken and grabbed the bag with one hand while she reached for Marcus' offered hand with her other. Terri hid the chicken under her bedding, shouldered a bag and put the other in the wagon, and pulled the wagon from the alleyway. With Marcus beside her, Terri felt hope once again.
Terri studied all the traffic trying to cross the bridge North. Surely she and Marcus would be able to smuggle themselves across without being caught by the Border Agents. She returned to where Marcus waited with their belongings. "It's busy," she said.
"Good. That might give us the cover we need." Marcus handed Terri the handle to the wagon and led the way out from their hiding place toward the Border Crossing.
The closer they got to the bridge, the more nervous Terri got. Sure she's managed to get away with minor crimes of stealing, but this was a big risk for her. But if it gave her the life she lost some months ago, Terri was willing to take the risk. Marcus took her free hand and gave it a gentle squeeze, which Terri returned, feeling secure in knowing he was by her side. The walk seemed to take hours, but took minutes, before they actually reached the point of actually being caught by the Border Agents. Terri felt and fought the urge to move faster so the Agents wouldn't spot her. But her hold on Marcus' hand kept her back. They passed by a car in a side bay that was carrying some illegal cargo and Terri could see a man being helped out of the trunk.
"Marcus," she whispered, fear on her voice.
"Don't worry. We're almost across." He squeezed her hand again.
Terri kept her eyes facing front, not daring to look back to see if any of the Border Agents had seen the two of them just strolling through the check point. Under the cover of the large awnings, Terri could see the sunlight on the other side of the border. Hour long minutes ticked by before Terri stepped out into the sunlight that was on the Northern side of the border. And for the first time since she lost her job, she felt free. But she didn't dare stop for Marcus kept walking and she didn't wish to be caught now. After walking several minutes from the Border, Marcus pulled her around a corner.
"Terri, I must tell you something before we continue."
"Yes, what is it?"
Marcus watched at Terri pulled against the chains that held her to the wall, her arms in a straight jacket. It was a shame she had gone crazy when she had learned that all she had gone through could have been prevented.
"I wonder what happened to her," the psychiatrist said. "She's too young to be locked up here."
"Things happen out there, Doc," Marcus answered, not taking his gaze from Terri. "She, well... She just couldn't take it any more."
Marcus turned from the window and headed down the hall, his business shoes squeaking slightly on the polished floors. He checked his watch and two seconds later, had his bluetooth ring. He hit the answer button and said: "Hello?" when he opened the door into the sunlight outside the mental institution.
Terri shot up in bed, dripping in a cold sweat and breathing hard. She looked around and found that she was safe in her warm bed. A swipe of a forearm over her forehead to wipe away the sweat, Terri looked to her left and saw Marcus sleeping soundly. She quietly climbed out of the king sized bed and made her way down to the kitchen. It was all a nightmare, that's what she kept telling herself. Even though she lived through that nearly two years ago, it was still a nightmare. Terri was happy living the life of the higher class. She could help the Street Walkers that still wander out there somewhere. It was a thankless job sometimes, but Terri was happy.
© 2011
Forgotten City
Jesse Ewing
Jesse Ewing
The city has suffered from the decline of the Industry, having jobs be shipped over seas, and people moving out of state. That much was clear to Terri. She lost her job in the Industry when it cut jobs to try to stay afloat. Now one of the homeless, Terri faced what other Street Walkers faced: a safe place to sleep, money for food, worry over what little belongings they had. Walking along the sidewalk, Terri pulled her wagon behind her. The others that walked paid her no mind. Terri was nothing to those who had jobs and a true place to live. She had to leave the abandoned building she was using as a home due to the fact it was slated to be demolished.
She had thought about illegally crossing the border north to find a job and a place to stay. But memories of stories of people who got caught doing that and were jailed for it. Even the Northern Country didn't want more homeless. The buildings that Terri could see were in various stages of decay with nature reclaiming them. In her wagon, Terri had what little she could pack when she lost her apartment. From what non-perishable food she had bought two days before being evicted, to some clean clothes and bedding items.
Terri watched a man in a business suit head right for her, not even noticing her. Too involved in his phone conversation with his bluetooth in his ear. Terri didn't even bother to move out of his way. She stopped when the man was a few feet away and allowed him to walk right into her.
"Hey! Watch where the hell you're going, you filthy Street Walker," the man shouted. "Sorry," he said into the bluetooth. "I've got a Street Walker that doesn't know her place." The business man stepped around Terri, continuing his phone conversation.
Terri sighed and continued on her way. Ever since she began living on the streets, Terri had seen those types of people at least once a day. The homeless were seen as the scum of the earth. The Untouchables of the city, as it were. A cold wind hit Terri, causing her to shiver. She looked around, hoping to find a small abandoned building to sleep in for the night. The winter was not kind to those living on the street. The building was a small business building that had been foreclosed on. Terri got in and found a place to organize her bedding. Secure in her lodgings, Terri made her way out to the front and put out a hat on the sidewalk, sitting down facing the street.
"Donations? Anything helps," she said to those passing by. "Donations."
No one even glanced at Terri when she spoke. She still continued to ask for money, even as people continued to ignore and pass her by. Time and sunlight ticked by and Terri gave up asking for money. She picked up the hat and made her way back to the abandoned office building she claimed for the night. There she found a man setting up his own spot. Panic hit and Terri rushed over to her belongings to take stock of everything.
"Don't worry," he said. "Nothing's missing."
"How do you know that?" Terri asked. "Did you rifle through it?"
"I've been minding them. That so wrong?"
Terri stopped looking through her things and looked at the man. "And you are?"
"Marcus, fellow Street Walker. You?"
"Terri." She moved to her bedding. "So, what happened to you?"
"Small company was shut down by a bigger one. The large company only carried about money."
Terri pulled out her bedding and began to make a nest of sorts. Marcus seemed to be a little too... clean to have lost his job and home that long ago. No one looked that good after two weeks of living on the streets. Terri herself was dirty, her hair was greasy, and she smelled horrible. Still, Terri gave him credit for surviving. She settled into her bed and looked to Marcus. There was something about him that didn't sit well with her.
The next morning, Terri woke to find that Marcus had leave. "Good. Didn't like him anyway."
She got up and packed her thinks. Best just to move onto the next abandoned building and use that for a home. Just like before, Terri was ignored by those going about their business.
Just another day in the city that time forgot, Terri thought. In an hour or so, her stomach gave an empty rumble. She didn't have money to get something to eat. That wouldn't stop her from walking into a grocery store. She had that right still. Terri trodded down the sidewalk, easily avoiding the other people, and found a grocery store. Locking her wagon up and making sure her belongings were secure, Terri headed inside and casually walked up and down the aisles. She stopped in the deli area and looked at the bags of chicken on the warming cart. Grabbing a bag, Terri headed down another aisle with the hope that she could make it to the door, to her wagon, and on her way before getting caught.
Terri made her way through the store and somehow managed to sneak outside the door, hidden by a group of people, and nearly gotten hit by a car while rushing to her wagon. Unlocking it from the pole she had used for locking up her wagon, Terri rushed as fast as she could from the store before anyone could come after her. Down the street, she stopped and caught her breath. She got away with it, and that might be her one lucky time she did. Now with her breath, she headed down the sidewalk a ways before she found an alleyway to sit and enjoy her stolen chicken.
"I guess we can't get away from each other," Terri heard from down the alley. Startled, she jumped to her feet and readied herself for a fight. "Relax, Terri. It's only me, Marcus."
Terri watched as Marcus emerged into what little light shone into the alley. "So, what brings you to this alley?"
"Some peace and quiet. I can't take those pompous Light People and all of their "I'm better than you because I have a job" crap."
Terri turned back to her wagon, where she had put her bag of chicken, and grabbed it. She sat down next to Marcus and opened the bag, offering it to him. He took a piece and Terri took another. She ate in silence, enjoying the taste of real food for once in who knew how long.
"So," she spoke up. "where are you off to next?"
"I was thinking the border. Maybe there'll be jobs in the North." Marcus took a bite of his chicken, chewed and swallowed. "It's gotta be better there than here."
Terri took a bite of chicken and mulled the thought of joining Marcus to the North. Yes, she's entertained the thought before, but maybe, just maybe, she has a better chance with him than alone. "I want to go with you."
"Really? I pegged you for one too scared to even get near the crossing."
"I guess I'm tired of scavenging, begging for money, and stealing food." Terri held up the bag of chicken. "It must be better in the North than it is here."
"Well then..." Marcus fell silent. "Let's go then. No point on sitting here when we've got miles to burn." He stood and offered a hand to help Terri stand.
She finished her one piece of chicken and grabbed the bag with one hand while she reached for Marcus' offered hand with her other. Terri hid the chicken under her bedding, shouldered a bag and put the other in the wagon, and pulled the wagon from the alleyway. With Marcus beside her, Terri felt hope once again.
Northern Crossing
Terri studied all the traffic trying to cross the bridge North. Surely she and Marcus would be able to smuggle themselves across without being caught by the Border Agents. She returned to where Marcus waited with their belongings. "It's busy," she said.
"Good. That might give us the cover we need." Marcus handed Terri the handle to the wagon and led the way out from their hiding place toward the Border Crossing.
The closer they got to the bridge, the more nervous Terri got. Sure she's managed to get away with minor crimes of stealing, but this was a big risk for her. But if it gave her the life she lost some months ago, Terri was willing to take the risk. Marcus took her free hand and gave it a gentle squeeze, which Terri returned, feeling secure in knowing he was by her side. The walk seemed to take hours, but took minutes, before they actually reached the point of actually being caught by the Border Agents. Terri felt and fought the urge to move faster so the Agents wouldn't spot her. But her hold on Marcus' hand kept her back. They passed by a car in a side bay that was carrying some illegal cargo and Terri could see a man being helped out of the trunk.
"Marcus," she whispered, fear on her voice.
"Don't worry. We're almost across." He squeezed her hand again.
Terri kept her eyes facing front, not daring to look back to see if any of the Border Agents had seen the two of them just strolling through the check point. Under the cover of the large awnings, Terri could see the sunlight on the other side of the border. Hour long minutes ticked by before Terri stepped out into the sunlight that was on the Northern side of the border. And for the first time since she lost her job, she felt free. But she didn't dare stop for Marcus kept walking and she didn't wish to be caught now. After walking several minutes from the Border, Marcus pulled her around a corner.
"Terri, I must tell you something before we continue."
"Yes, what is it?"
~~~~~~~~~~
Marcus watched at Terri pulled against the chains that held her to the wall, her arms in a straight jacket. It was a shame she had gone crazy when she had learned that all she had gone through could have been prevented.
"I wonder what happened to her," the psychiatrist said. "She's too young to be locked up here."
"Things happen out there, Doc," Marcus answered, not taking his gaze from Terri. "She, well... She just couldn't take it any more."
Marcus turned from the window and headed down the hall, his business shoes squeaking slightly on the polished floors. He checked his watch and two seconds later, had his bluetooth ring. He hit the answer button and said: "Hello?" when he opened the door into the sunlight outside the mental institution.
Alternate Ending
Terri shot up in bed, dripping in a cold sweat and breathing hard. She looked around and found that she was safe in her warm bed. A swipe of a forearm over her forehead to wipe away the sweat, Terri looked to her left and saw Marcus sleeping soundly. She quietly climbed out of the king sized bed and made her way down to the kitchen. It was all a nightmare, that's what she kept telling herself. Even though she lived through that nearly two years ago, it was still a nightmare. Terri was happy living the life of the higher class. She could help the Street Walkers that still wander out there somewhere. It was a thankless job sometimes, but Terri was happy.
© 2011