Post by Rochelle de Rouille on Mar 14, 2011 0:50:04 GMT -5
I watched them lower my mother's body into the ground, but I did not cry. I wanted to, or rather, I thought I should, but nothing came. Neither did my father cry, but he conveyed a strange sadness that I had not thought him capable of. Had he loved her, then? I did not truly think so, but she had been a partner of sorts, perhaps he was sad to lose that. She ran his household and made certain of his comforts, and who would do that now? I did not think it was expected of me, for I was useful only in doing needlepoint and speaking soft words to father's guests. I could play the piano and speak three languages and I knew odd facts on a variety of topics. Father said that I would make a good lady-in-waiting, but he never did let me stray even so far as to the Palace without him.
I felt Guy's hand on my lower back, a silent comfort, wasted on my empty heart. Guy had not liked Mother, though he never said a word that was not respectful. It was obvious, though, the way he looked at her and the way I saw that he was oft affronted on my behalf. It was sweet, actually, and it was that that had endeared him to me more than his handsome eyes and gentle manner. He was a warrior, but a Priest first, though many did not remember that Cassilines were the one thing as well as the other. I remembered, and Guy was my Perfect Companion. He'd brought his sister and his love into my world, and brought me out into it, and rescued me during the scariest day of my life. If I could have chosen an older brother for myself, it would have been Guy.
The Priest of Elua spoke and spoke, and I thought he must have had the hardest time composing such a lovely eulogy for my mother, and where had all these mourners come from? Well, my mother was a Comtesse, and people did like to feel involved, and they all liked to cry and comfort each other as if they had indeed suffered some sort of loss. They looked at me with pity, when I was the one who pitied them their empty lives and silly court games. Once more I thought that I was not made for this life.
When it was all over, I mean all over, everyone had left the house and father had gone to bed and it was only Guy and I in my room. I was staring out of my window, and Guy was bidding me good night, though I could tell he was worried about leaving me alone. I told him it was fine, but all he did was continue to stand there in the doorway, outlined by the candlelight in the hall like a glowing angel.
"I'm fine, really."
"Are you, though, really? I know ... I know she wasn't always a nice woman, but she was still your mother. It's all right to be sad."
"Is it all right not to be sad?"
"That is sad in itself, Ellie." His eyes did look sad, even in the semi-darkness, but I never did wish anyone's pity.
"Perhaps, but perhaps I see no need to waste sadness on someone who does not deserve it." I did not say this with anger or coldness, it was simply a fact. Guy did not respond for several heartbeats, then he laughed softly.
"Ellie, I do believe you have more spine than anyone gives you credit for." He blew me a kiss goodnight and disappeared to his own room, leaving my door slightly ajar, and his too, across the hall, so that neither of us was ever truly cut off from the other.
"Guy, I do believe you are right," I murmured, turning to look out on the snowy gray night, lost deeply in my ever tangled thoughts.
I felt Guy's hand on my lower back, a silent comfort, wasted on my empty heart. Guy had not liked Mother, though he never said a word that was not respectful. It was obvious, though, the way he looked at her and the way I saw that he was oft affronted on my behalf. It was sweet, actually, and it was that that had endeared him to me more than his handsome eyes and gentle manner. He was a warrior, but a Priest first, though many did not remember that Cassilines were the one thing as well as the other. I remembered, and Guy was my Perfect Companion. He'd brought his sister and his love into my world, and brought me out into it, and rescued me during the scariest day of my life. If I could have chosen an older brother for myself, it would have been Guy.
The Priest of Elua spoke and spoke, and I thought he must have had the hardest time composing such a lovely eulogy for my mother, and where had all these mourners come from? Well, my mother was a Comtesse, and people did like to feel involved, and they all liked to cry and comfort each other as if they had indeed suffered some sort of loss. They looked at me with pity, when I was the one who pitied them their empty lives and silly court games. Once more I thought that I was not made for this life.
When it was all over, I mean all over, everyone had left the house and father had gone to bed and it was only Guy and I in my room. I was staring out of my window, and Guy was bidding me good night, though I could tell he was worried about leaving me alone. I told him it was fine, but all he did was continue to stand there in the doorway, outlined by the candlelight in the hall like a glowing angel.
"I'm fine, really."
"Are you, though, really? I know ... I know she wasn't always a nice woman, but she was still your mother. It's all right to be sad."
"Is it all right not to be sad?"
"That is sad in itself, Ellie." His eyes did look sad, even in the semi-darkness, but I never did wish anyone's pity.
"Perhaps, but perhaps I see no need to waste sadness on someone who does not deserve it." I did not say this with anger or coldness, it was simply a fact. Guy did not respond for several heartbeats, then he laughed softly.
"Ellie, I do believe you have more spine than anyone gives you credit for." He blew me a kiss goodnight and disappeared to his own room, leaving my door slightly ajar, and his too, across the hall, so that neither of us was ever truly cut off from the other.
"Guy, I do believe you are right," I murmured, turning to look out on the snowy gray night, lost deeply in my ever tangled thoughts.