|
Post by Emelius nó Alyssum on Feb 1, 2011 1:57:39 GMT -5
I had written a letter to Gareth recently. True, I could have merely dropped by it was not like our houses were far apart, but for the formality's sake and to give my friend some space, I wrote ahead of time telling him I would come in a few days. It was excessively formal for the amount of years we had been friends, but he should know me by now that I was, if nothing else, professional about the way I conducted myself. When the day came, I headed to Valerian in some of my better clothes, a basket with food I had purchased under my arm. It only took a few directions before I found his room and after a few knocks, I let myself in.
Back straight, completely emotionless, I wish I were one of those people--the Balms, were they--who could be empathetic towards another's feelings, but I was not one of those and I doubted I would ever be, even for a dear friend who had endured much I had very little sympathy and was here to get him back on his feet if it was the last thing that I did. I regarded him in silence for a moment, he seemed disheveled, not that he was messy, it was clear that his emotions were taking a toll on him. Bags under his eyes, a grim expression, a tenseness in the way he held himself. I could read him like a book. And that hair... who had cut it?
"Gareth," I greeted flatly. "I take it you received my missive?"
|
|
|
Post by Gareth nó Valerian on Feb 1, 2011 12:21:18 GMT -5
Most of my time was spent in my room when I wasn't out and I couldn't stand the thought of being around the house-mates I only knew as acquaintances. Many of them had noted the change in me, but they didn't know the reason behind it, so they thought it necessary to ask. I couldn't answer if I wanted to, and in most cases I didn't want to. It would be disrespectful to my House to start any kind of problems because of my own stupid actions, especially when I'd always been one to advise people against exactly the sort of behavior I'd undertaken at times. They meant well, but it was still too much for me to chance at the moment. I'd lost enough friends over this and it was too painful for me to endure that I couldn't even tell them why.
I'd gotten Emilius letter, but like most things these days it just seemed like a lackluster idea in itself. He and I had been friends for years, even with our differing Houses, but he was just another person that I'd likely have to let down. It had never be necessary to write him back, of course- he was always exactly where he wanted to be, at the time he wanted to be there, and the note was only a way of telling me to be there as well. That had always seemed to be a part of his nature; for all that he was an Alyssum he had a distinctly different personality from the 'shy' one that was usually seen. Perhaps that's what had brought us to be friends- he was always a little officious and bossy in a House of people who tended to go with the flow, and I'd been the kind to sway with the breeze in a House of people who fought to have no say at all.
When my door opened I was dressed decently but not professionally, my lute sitting in my lap from where I'd decided to tune it while I waited. Somehow it was comforting that he didn't look at me with pity, and instead showed shock and some irritation. It was a refreshing change, even if it would probably chafe by the time we spoke more. "I did get it, and I'm sorry I didn't reply," I said as I set aside the instrument and stood, my expression placid but not exactly peaceful. "It's nice of you to stop by. Want me to get the basket for you?"
|
|
|
Post by Emelius nó Alyssum on Feb 1, 2011 14:15:06 GMT -5
“I didn’t expect you to reply. In the past five times I have written to you of coming, you have yet to reply once so I did not expect it,” I said simply, just stating the facts as opposed to trying to make him feel guilt or become aware of his behavior for change. I could have cared less. It seemed that Gareth responded to my letters enough to be where I expected him to be when I expected and for that I had no complaint. “I have it,” I said, putting the basket down at my feet, though I was staring at him intently, my eyes analyzing his every feature. I suddenly reached out to grab his chin in my hand, then placed a hand on either side of his hair, not explaining until I straightened. “Let me cut your hair, it’s uneven. What slattern did this for you?” I asked, knowing that many might not have noticed, but I did and if I could remedy anything it would be this. “I predicted this ahead of time so I brought my own scissors,” I said, grabbing the chair in his room as I placed it down, without waiting for him to agree. “It’s just a bit, it won’t leave too much of a mess,” I said gesturing towards the chair.
As soon as he sat, I ran my thumbs along either side of his hair, using that as my measure as I began to cut delicately and slowly and with absolute precision. “It’s been approximately ninety-eight days, give or take three, I would imagine since you began acting this way.” The rumors started about... ninety days ago, and from what I had learned in the past it took about a week or so before it reached Alyssum house. The rumors of Douleur coincided with this information so I could only assume that my deductions were correct. “I typically would give you about a month or two to mope, two at the most, forgive me I have been busy there have been about three showings in the past month I was occupied with, but this has to stop Gareth.”
I turned to face him, not because I wanted to look at him eye to eye but I wanted to make sure his sides were even. I pulled on the length of hair a little bit, cutting a tad more, my leg resting on the edge of the other’s chair for balance. “So you are going to stop this nonsense and I will not take ‘no’ for an answer. Douleur was completely impractical and there is no reason you should still be upset. It is time for you to move on and stop giving me that damned look, I am helping you.” Not once did I raise my voice, it stayed flat, emotionless, as always. “It is affecting your performance in your personal life and in the assignation chamber, I would imagine. And what is this rumor I hear of you refusing to take Shahrizai patrons?”
|
|
|
Post by Gareth nó Valerian on Feb 1, 2011 17:22:11 GMT -5
After a long friendship with Emilius it was moderately normal for him to take charge, and I was the kind of person who went along. I hadn't overly cared whether things were exact or perfect, but it mattered a good deal to my friend so I tended to let him fuss over it until it was good enough for him because it mattered more to him than it ever had to me. Not in an emotional way, but in an aesthetic one. I had no vanity left to care one way or the other. "One of the House servants did it," I told him nonchalantly, sitting down and keeping still as he obviously wanted, my eyes straight ahead and slightly down. If there was one thing I knew it was that he'd get it right or die trying and at least some small imperfection would be absent from me.
He was right, I probably had been brooding for myself for too long, but nevertheless his apology surprised me, though I was sure to keep still as he used the scissors. Then he continued and I didn't know whether to feel ashamed of myself, somewhat stupid that my own inner logic was so fuzzy or annoyed that he still felt he could make judgement calls about anything I'd been through without doing the same. "You don't know the half of it," I simply said in a quiet, calm tone. "Yes, it's been at least that long, but I was hiding a lot before that too. You don't have to apologize, I haven't exactly been very active myself. Please don't say that name again. And no, I don't see Shahrizai. I finally had to draw a line somewhere."
No one else really understood why I'd set the limits that I had, but it seemed to me like the best way to ensure that I had a life with some bit of sanity to it. Most of the other Valerians didn't understand either but I was done trying to convince people about my way of thinking. The evidence more than showed that it wouldn't do any good.
|
|
|
Post by Emelius nó Alyssum on Feb 1, 2011 19:40:28 GMT -5
“A house servant,” I chided. It was their job, this was something they clearly had to learn to do better. I was not sure if it was my family background, a long line of high class servitude bred into me, or if it was merely my fastidious and natural manner of needing to get chores like this done properly, but while others had taken up hobbies to attract patrons like singing and the arts, I had taken up something much more practical, yet something I thrived in. I scoffed when the other told me that I did not know the half of it. Just then, I began to dust off the small traces of hair from his collar, gave him one more look before I put the scissors away. I picked up the basket and straightened, uncorking a fine bottle of wine I had bought with my own money, along with a few other things to get him to relax.
I did not respond for a awhile, holding the two glasses in one hand and I filled each to the exact same amount, measuring it mentally with my eyes before I put the wine bottle on the side table and handed him one. “Drink it, it’s a fine vintage from about eight years ago, a favorite of mine.” I took a sip, eyeing him, observing his every moment before I commented further. “I knew you were hiding a secret for quite some time, actually, I just never pried. I could have cared less until it started clearly affecting your moods. And a name is a name, you can’t possibly be moved emotionally by the mere mention of one. What are you going to do if you happen to have a patron who just happens to have that similar name?”
I looked at him critically, leaning over to remove a stray strand of hair I had not the first time I had dusted him off. “Who are you to prejudice a patron because of their last name? Not everyone is from the same stock. I am a Laserge, proud of it.” My last name was something, unlike other adepts, that I actually knew and that one day, I would have again, even if it a name of a line of servants I could have cared less. “Yet I am the only one of my bloodline here in the Night Court. Every lives paths of different lives, being picky in this manner for no good reason is just one way you are keeping yourself from finishing your marque. It is foolish. The Shahrizai do not have the best reputation, but I know some of them are good. Elua commands us to ‘love as thou wilt’ do you mean to tell me you would bar yourself from such things because of a last name someone had?”
I sighed, clicking my tongue against the back of my teeth. “Remove these foolish misconceptions, this is not that Gareth that I know and while I am not saying that we do not undergo some changes, I will not permit any of you that take a turn for the worse. I have allowed you to mope around long enough, now you are going to quit this foolishness this instance, is that clear?”
|
|
|
Post by Gareth nó Valerian on Feb 1, 2011 21:10:36 GMT -5
It was almost amazing how composed Emilius could be while doing so many simple things and scolding me at the same time. Not that it was exactly pleasant, but it was familiar and probably something I needed to hear. The only difference was that I already knew everything I was thinking and feeling was probably wrong, but I was tired of hearing it. The last thing I'd heard from Douleur that rang through clearly was that I was wrong for asking her to be careful and to stop what was obviously, to me, self-destructive behavior. I was tired of other people telling me what to perceive.
But at the same time that didn't mean Emilius was wrong either, and I knew that in a rational sense, but I knew he already had set in his mind what I should be and that may not be who I was comfortable being anymore. He was only trying to help though, and he was here to help me, and be my friend, so I owed it to him to listen. "Thank you," I said quietly as he handed me the wine, then took a careful sip. It was as good as he said, but he knew that.
"There are other patrons besides Shahrizai," I replied quietly, my expression probably somewhat determined as I looked over at my Alyssum friend. "And unless you're hiding a secret side, old friend, I don't think you've seen a Shahrizai in the same light I have." I'd been to parties with several, and assignations as well, and there was generally a stark difference between the two personas. They were always pleasant enough in public, but I remembered the lack of control in private.
His order cut through me and I took another drink of wine as I looked at the dark-haired older adept nearby. "Then what is your solution? You keep telling me what my problem is, something I already know. Do you have any ideas to fix it?"
|
|
|
Post by Emelius nó Alyssum on Feb 1, 2011 21:22:21 GMT -5
I smiled and it broke my generally emotionless expression, stretching across my features like a Cheshire cat when he mentioned me not hiding a secret. I was a person who knew people, but whether or not others knew me was another thing entirely. I did not answer his question, but I think it was evident enough that indeed, I had secrets of my own, however unlike Gareth, I kept mine well hidden, well kept behind my porcelain mask of painted emotions. “Well you are a Valerian, I suppose I know nothing of them,” I said simply, taking a sip of my wine, though whenever I dropped a matter so easily from being previously so determined, it was more than clear that I either merely did not care any longer or I was mocking. Mayhaps this situation was a little bit of both. I had had my share of analyzing, watching, calculating to know that no one was ever their namesake and I knew of this Dominic that had caused Gareth so much heartache. Shahrizai may have been the same breed but they were not all cut from the same stone.
“You ask me that in mock,” I said simply when he asked me what my solution was to fix it. “I am here to help you Gareth, not ridicule you further and send you spiraling into this dark abyss of your blackened glass case of emotions,” I said with a roll of my eyes, cutting bread and cheese for him to eat along with his wine. It would help distract him, if nothing else. “However, if you care to listen to my suggestion I am merely telling you that it has been long enough, try to let such bitterness go or it will eat you from the inside. Do not allow it to affect your work, you are an excellent adept of the infamous Night Court of Blooming Flowers, yet to me it seems you’ve grown too bitter for assignations and lost your way to loving your patrons, Shahrizai or otherwise. That is all.”
I flicked my eyes up towards him, handing him a piece of bread. "Emotions cloud judgment, so I do not blame you for being overwhelmed. You cut your long hair... do I have to elaborate any further?"
|
|
|
Post by Gareth nó Valerian on Feb 1, 2011 21:44:55 GMT -5
"I'm not trying to mock you or anything else," I protested quietly, though I didn't put any real inflection into my voice or raise it above normal speaking levels, my eyes cutting sideways to look at him as he worked a knife through the food he'd brought, then glanced away. He was getting annoyed at me most likely, but there were so many small things that could do that same thing that he seemed to bounce back quickly enough.
But that didn't mean I wanted to push him too far either. I was tired, soul and bone deep with exhaustion, of feeling the need to defend my ideas and myself, and I knew that I was getting defensive to the point that I saw the potential for pain in places that it didn't really exist. Could I stand to lose any more friends, connections and outlets? Not if I wanted to ever be an adept again, at least the kind who could interact in society as a whole. "I do appreciate your help and I apologize if it doesn't seem like I do. My emotions are in turmoil, which is why I'm trying to ignore them, but that doesn't seem to work either. There's no real center to focus on anymore."
It was a hard thing to admit, and likely he wouldn't care, but at least I'd said something that hopefully would give the conversation a seed to build from, and reaching out I gently took the piece of bread he offered as I glanced over at him. Focusing on others was something of a natural response for me, especially when I myself wasn't able to find my way on my own. Perhaps it was part of my submissive nature, being raised in Valerian House from birth, or maybe it was just part of my training, but by now it was instinct.
|
|
|
Post by Emelius nó Alyssum on Feb 1, 2011 22:04:59 GMT -5
“Don’t ignore your emotions then,” I said, sounding truly like a hypocrite since I knew I tended to be the most apathetic, emotionless person even in times like this. I felt nothing for the Queen’s death. Mayhaps, a bit of anxiety for the security of my nation but when it came to actual distress or sadness, nothing. “You are a person of emotions, Gareth,” I said, finishing off my glass of wine as I began to work on the bread I had sliced for the both of us. “What you need is to shift your emotions, you’re much too bitter and injured, you need to heal,” I said, placing my hand on his shoulder, though briefly. I had never been much of a physical person.
“Focus on something else. Do not let her define you, I’m sure that will just give her some measure of satisfaction,” I said, finishing off my bread. I knew such words would have an affect on him but that was what I was going for. “You cannot allow your world to be shaped by a single event, you’re much more, I assure you.:
|
|
|
Post by Gareth nó Valerian on Feb 2, 2011 13:38:42 GMT -5
Just shift my emotions. He made it sound easy, and for him it probably was. Find a different focus. That's what I'd tried to do, focusing on my training, my lessons, even my music as a way to forget what was no longer there. But even the scenery here, the wall themselves, and my own bed held memories that wanted to creep in if I wasn't paying attention. Maybe instead of focusing my mind what I really needed to do was focus my spirit, however that was accomplished.
His final statement drew a slight smile to my lips as I took a small bite of bread and tried not to think about some things that his statement brought to mind. "I imagine it actually would bring her satisfaction- she likes the obsessive, stalker types," I said in a slightly bitter tone, just a flash of anger moving across my eyes with a hint of shame to follow it. After all, I'd indulged her in that too, just not far enough. "But I've been focusing on my music more and doing some thinking. I know I can be more than what I shaped myself into, but that doesn't mean reshaping myself is going to be instantaneous either."
|
|
|
Post by Emelius nó Alyssum on Feb 2, 2011 14:20:28 GMT -5
"Indeed it won't be instantaneous," I said, looking him up and down. I truly wondered why not though I would not press it. I knew everyone had their own time with matters and while I did not expect Gareth to rise out of the ashes in seconds like the birth of the new feathered phoenix, I was more than certain that the amount of time I had given him was enough for that which I expected. "See, right there," I said, pointing it out with a finger as he mentioned bringing Douleur satisfaction. "You tried to assist her but she knew no better, why do you take that upon yourself as if you could have remedied it? She was bullheaded and enjoyed the destruction of herself, for that you should laugh, not mope."
I rose from my seat then, beginning to wrap up my belongings. "I expect you to visit me at Alyssum house so I can check your progress and so you can get out of your house. You need interaction with people, if it was not clear enough."
|
|
|
Post by Gareth nó Valerian on Feb 2, 2011 19:38:49 GMT -5
"I'm not the type to take any joy in the destruction of another, especially when their own nature is what did it," I said after a moment, then looked down and away for a moment before I heard him rise and glanced back. He was leaving already? Did he have something to do, or had I done something that was rushing him along? It was a heavy thought, especially since I knew that it took a good deal to anger my ever-so-proper Alyssum friend and I hadn't exactly been sure how to take his words.
"You're going now?" I asked in a sedate but confused tone as I looked over at him him, brow furrowing slightly as I met his gaze. "I would almost be concerned if I didn't know how punctual you were at everything. But even so, I haven't even had the chance to thank you yet, especially since everything you've said is exactly right." And it had been. My mind accepted it, though my spirit still had a hard time doing so. Habits were hard things to break. "What do you know of why I stopped seeing anyone and taking assignations? I'd like to know what's said about me in the rumor mills."
|
|
|
Post by Emelius nó Alyssum on Feb 2, 2011 20:43:17 GMT -5
“No, you are coming with me,” I said, grabbing the basket as I eyed him up and down. “I just said you needed personal interaction, was that not clear enough?” I asked, looking over his worried expression and I patted him gingerly on the shoulder. “I’m just picking up a few things from the market, don’t worry.” However, when he asked for the rumors that were spreading in the rumor mill, I smiled, ever so softly but it was gone in a matter of moments. “Douleur broke your heart, everyone is assuming. You have yet to get over it, what kind of adept can love another when their heart is in pieces?” I chuckled, “How hollow it all sounds though.” I knew it was much more in depth than that, but it was Gareth’s life, I did not need to elaborate.
“Are you ready?” I asked with a raise of a brow, realizing only then that I had given him little to no time to prepare. “You can help me run my errands if you want to thank me properly.”
|
|
|
Post by Gareth nó Valerian on Feb 2, 2011 21:33:35 GMT -5
His assessment was close enough and I was willing to let it go, though I didn't like the fact that this could have been considered 'common knowledge'. The Night Court may have been dedicated to loving patrons in one sense or another but amongst ourselves it could be a competitive sort of courtly situation with a bit of backstabbing. If this kind of information was circling it was a very large weakness that many others could try to exploit and that in itself was almost enough to motivate me beyond what I was feeling. I'd lost a good deal but I wasn't willing to lose my home and the House I'd been born into, or my good reputation.
"I'm ready enough," I finally replied as I stood up and ran my fingers absently back through my hair. I was dressed well enough to go out, even if it wasn't as primped and put-together as Emilius, and even at my worst I couldn't help but stay moderately put-together. "I don't mind helping you on your errands, as long as you're not going to have me standing still for an hour balancing something particularly heavy." There was a light jest in that and I gave my friend a half-smile, the most I'd had since he came into the room.
|
|