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Post by Sinclair nó Valerian on Jan 30, 2011 23:26:00 GMT -5
I had not gotten into trouble recently and by recently, I meant today. My mind was preoccupied with my past failures, the people I had let get close then slip through my fingers like I was nothing. In the past, none of that would have hurt and I was not sure why it was affecting me now. Anixiel was a better match with Landis, that was clear enough. He was a Mandrake, he could take care of her, he wasn't emotionally all over the map like I was. He finished his marque, he had money, an inheritance. And with Gabriel... I didn't want to even think about it. He had told me once that the amount of times we had met must have been fated, now the mere idea made me sick to my stomach and wanting to throw up the contents of today's lunch. That was the whole reason I had avoided him in the first place, an assignation was fine, but it had turned into so much more. He had read me to my very depths like no one, not even Anixiel, could manage to pull off. He understood me too well and that was what had bothered me the most. Sure, I could have sought him out but I never had. I was too prideful. With the clear enough rumors of him and our Second, Karina, it had sealed the deal for me.
I was too prideful to go yet it had clearly shown in my performance. I was much more ornery, distant, not entirely there and while I had never been the most... available and easy to deal with adept, I just wasn't up to my game. I felt like I had lost what had mattered and I was not sure what I was doing. I wasn't finishing my marque any time soon, that was for certain and if I did, where would I go? I had no aspirations. I had finished my chores for that day, on edge, irritated. I almost wanted to seek out Calista and have a yelling battle with her again but I was not particularly looking for trouble.
Of course, I didn't know it would find me.
No one should have been able to affect me this much. It was absolutely pathetic. I was just waiting for the day when my walls would be rebuilt, repaired and I could go on as I had before, except now with more defenses. Until then... I suppose I would just wait. I was sitting in the back of Valerian, finished for the day and with no assignations, a book idly in my hands that I was not even reading but it made me look busy and I much preferred solitude.
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Post by Karina Mikhailova nó Valerian on Jan 30, 2011 23:44:21 GMT -5
I moved through the House at a calm pace, speaking to my Housemates here or there. It was something I had started before I had even become Second, only now I did it more often and sometimes with a purpose in mind. Today, the purpose was Sinclair. Trinette had asked me to speak with him, at her wits end as to what to do with his rebellious nature. I wasn't sure what I could offer, but I also knew that if I didn't try, nothing could be accomplished. I found him in one of the common rooms, as far away from the front doors of Valerian as he could get. I didn't go to him first however, preferring to sneak up on him. If he noticed, it might make him nervous. If he didn't, even better. I spoke to Samantha briefly, checking on a set of scabs she had picked up from her last assignation, and then to Pierre. Finally I found myself passing the seat across from where he dismissively held a novel.
"Good afternoon Sinclair," I started, smiling to him softly.
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Post by Sinclair nó Valerian on Jan 31, 2011 14:13:31 GMT -5
I was just waiting, biding my time. It was not like this was the first time my defenses had been breached, but it couldn't have come at a worse time as I was already on thin ice with Trinette and I was just hoping to smooth it all over soon enough once I could get my head on straight and feel like myself again. At least my side errands--unaccounted to my house, unfortunately--were keeping me busy when chores or assignations were not. Normally I would have noticed Karina doing her 'heart to heart' rounds with people, but I was too lost in my thoughts until she was at me, telling me good afternoon. I closed my books, cursing myself under my breath for not having slipped away. I hated these type of things. She assumed all of us wanted to get to know her and spill their problems about their latest assignation but I was not one of them. I handled my bruises and cuts, physical or otherwise on my own.
"Afternoon," I said flatly, not even turning to face her. "Am I in trouble otherwise I'm not particularly in the mood to talk."
If I did talk to someone in my house, it was to yell, but I was trying to hold my tongue as it was. And she was the last person I wanted to talk to right now. Gabriel Shahrizai had a taste in Valerians, how predictable and that was the exact thing I had tried to avoid with him. I felt sick to my stomach.
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Post by Karina Mikhailova nó Valerian on Jan 31, 2011 22:52:32 GMT -5
If he thought he was getting off that easy, he was sorely mistaken. "How, pray tell, is that different from normal? You're usually in trouble, and you never want to talk. So you can either run away like a little girl, or have something resembling a conversation with me. So, how are you?" Alright, so perhaps not the most neutral of starts, even if I had kept my voice pleasant. But I was tired of his attitude, and thought I was being extremely polite considering the way he always treated me.
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Post by Sinclair nó Valerian on Jan 31, 2011 23:00:43 GMT -5
"It isn't different from normal I am merely stating a fact of life," I said flatly. Did she think I would want to talk to her just because she was my Second? Or perhaps just because she was of my house? She was sorely mistaken. Neither were good enough reasons for me to want to be hospitable with someone else, especially when not simply SEEING her face grated on my nerves. So this was her, who Gabriel looked upon with equal favor? Well damn good riddance was the only thing I could think of while still trying to compose my temper to a reasonable level.
"Oh, so are you basically telling me you run, with your tail tucked between your legs? You just said that is what I would do... how did you put it 'like a girl,' unless you have another body part I am not aware of between your legs." I said, looking her up and down with a raise of my brow. "It's not running if I don't want to sit here and have idle chitchat with you. I'm fine. That's exactly what you want to hear, isn't it?" I asked, standing up, book tucked under my arm. I didn't talk about my problems. That's just who I was. "Or did you assume that because of your status as my Second that it would have me crumpling to spill my guts?" I asked flatly.
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Post by Karina Mikhailova nó Valerian on Jan 31, 2011 23:18:37 GMT -5
I rounded the chair to be closer to him. I didn't need the others in the room to overhear this. Sinclair's problems were his own and didn't need to be part of the gossip mill. Though I wasn't sure how much longer the gossip mill would care. "I don't like threatening people Sinclair," I began, for it was the truth, and I let him see that in my eyes. "But you're on shaky ground here. You're not fine, everyone know it, and unimaginatively insulting your Second isn't helping your case. You're starting yelling matches with your Housemates, getting roaring drunk at fetes, chasing away patrons... You are one of the most prideful people I know, and yet to take absolutely no pride in Valerian. Why are you still here?" It was an honest question, and a blunt one. I didn't think he'd take it well, but he needed to be woken up, or perhaps have his pedestal crumble would be a better metaphor.
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Post by Sinclair nó Valerian on Jan 31, 2011 23:42:32 GMT -5
"Staring yelling matches and chasing away my patrons, what's new?" I asked, scowling a little. Was I that transparent? Was it that evident how close I was at the end of my rope? No. I just needed to steel myself again, but it was hard when people like Karina kept coming over, trying to prevent that from happening. I didn't get roaring drunk at fetes all the time. Hell, I rarely even drank, but I remembered Naia's natal where this all began and I could only rub my head in frustration. When she asked me why I was still here, my lips pursed. It was a question no one had dared ask me before, one that I dreaded even answering myself.
"I have no right to my name, debt that still needs to be paid off and nowhere else to go." I had not had contact with my parents in years. I barely knew them. I had a brother and sister I had not event met. And no aspirations, no goals. What was there for me? It was a question I constantly asked myself and ignored. "Do you honestly think talking to me is going to fix all of this? Don't you think others have tried?" I asked with a hollow laugh as she rounded the corner to get closer. "You're wasting our time."
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Post by Karina Mikhailova nó Valerian on Jan 31, 2011 23:57:24 GMT -5
"I'm not so arrogant as to think I can fix you Sinclair. The only person who can do that is you." Patience Karina, patience. He's obviously hurting. "Find someone you can talk to Sinclair. If you need to go to Balm, or Mandrake, I'm sure I can arrange something. But if you can't find a way to work within Valerian, hell, if you can't find a way to love or even accept being a Servant of Naamah... Then you'll have to build a different life for yourself." There, the threat was laid out. I hated this part of being Second, of being the warning before Trinette came down on an adept. "It borders on blasphemy if you don't."
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Post by Sinclair nó Valerian on Feb 1, 2011 0:11:21 GMT -5
Who did I have to talk to? The idea of opening up was one that always terrified me, and it had been ingrained, trained into my every being over the past couple of years. I laughed aloud, unable to help myself. It was a trend I was noticing, that I was laughing more though it wasn't exactly because I was being jovial about things. "So are you suggesting I have my problems beaten out of me, or should I go to a trained professional who can sit there half awake after hearing problems for the umpteenth time in a row?" I shook my head, hearing the tone in her voice, knowing that she was saying that which I dreaded but I didn't want to hear it. I didn't want to digest the words.
If I can't find a way to love...
I smirked, just regarding her for a long moment before speaking. "I'm not an idiot. I learn." I knew she would not understand what I was talking. "I had rules." I couldn't even believe I was getting... this deep with her, however cryptic, it was still a part of me I rarely shared. "But love as thou wilt." Anixiel and Gabriel both should have been forbidden fruit I should have strayed from, but hadn't. Those words had continued to ring in my head. I was a servant of Naamah, wasn't I? Shouldn't there be no boundaries? "And now you're sleeping with him," my eyes flickered up towards her.
I knew that it had gotten around that I had been in a relationship with a Shahrizai... something more than patron and adept, but whether or not the specifics--the who--had been obtained, I doubted. We had been discreet, relatively. "Don't get me wrong I'm not the jealous type." It didn't bother me that Gabriel had slept with others, but his relationship with her was more than just bedding another. "So forgive me," I said sarcastically, "if I'm not in a particular mood to speak with you of all people or in a particular mood to love. Mayhaps your suggestion is best."
I had nowhere to go, but hell if I would let her see how wounded, how lost I was. I got up from my chair and pulled away. I never let anyone in, but I didn't need to, with Gabriel. He found his own way past my defenses. He had wondered how many I had let in, I wondered if he knew he was one of so few. To me, it had been so much, to him it had seemed like nothing. I could have been reading into things, who knew. "Now are you finished? I am," I retorted, my eyes not betraying any emotions other than anger.
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Post by Karina Mikhailova nó Valerian on Feb 1, 2011 21:52:20 GMT -5
Who the hell was he...? The question died as I realized he was speaking of Gabriel. It was the only patron we had in common, and the only patron I had seen recently. Trinette had been advising me on different return patrons and their preferences, so that I could make sure their needs were met when they visited again, and I had learned far more about Gabriel's past exploits than I had necessarily needed on a personal level.
Sinclair's anger made me sigh. There was so much self-loathing in that man. "You're far from finished Sinclair. You have enough anger in there to cook an entire feast. Please, for your own sake, find someone to talk to. Or go an confront him. Either way, deal with your... issues before someone looses their patience with you." I turned away, shaking my head. I didn't think either of us needed me to name the 'someone' to whom I was referring, Trinette's annoyance with Sinclair was well known.
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Post by Sinclair nó Valerian on Feb 1, 2011 22:44:36 GMT -5
I waited until the realization dawned on her that it was Gabriel. If the rumors had been correct, she and Gabriel were more than just... patron and adept. I hated to think about it. When she told me that I couldn’t leave yet, I let out a huff, anxious and shifting from left to right uncomfortably. Deal with my issues before someone loses patience with me? Who? Trinette? She had been more than enough patience for me, as a Valerian and as a Dowayness. “Fair enough,” I said, my jaw tight and my teeth clenched.
“Now?”
I was tired of asking if I could leave.
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Post by Karina Mikhailova nó Valerian on Feb 2, 2011 22:27:57 GMT -5
I waved my hand as if to give up and let him leave. I watched him go with sad eyes. I would keep an ear to the ground on this one. If he doesn't go see Gabriel, I might have to arrange something, I thought to myself. But it was a grim thought. The stirrings of jealousy sounded within me, but I shoved them away. I reminded myself that I was Second, marque made and secure in my position. I would be Dowayne someday, and I didn't want Sinclair still here when I took that position. I wanted him to have moved on, hopefully in a happy and prosperous state.
Even if he threatened the happiness I had found with a certain Shahrizai, and ended up taking him away from me.
Damn it. I hated being responsible some days.
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