Sergei Romanov
Royal
His Royal Highness, Prince of House Romanov
Posts: 366
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Post by Sergei Romanov on Jan 24, 2011 15:33:01 GMT -5
I slept very little the entire night through, the argument I'd had with Mercedes replaying in my mind like a bad Eglantine play.. over and over. The hurt in her eyes, the tears on her face, and my utter inability to soothe her and wipe her grief away. Part of me wanted to call myself a monster, part of me disagreed, and the rest of me wondered.. Was I, or no?
I could almost feel my fathers displeasure, could almost hear his anger and rancor. By the time the sun dawned, I was no better off than I was the night before, confusion in me so thick that I could barely breathe.
A quick bath, I shaved and dressed myself with almost automatic precision before making my way back to Mercedes. I opted to ride, to give myself air to clear my head, to let myself think about my stallion and how well he was doing with his training... but the ride was too short, and that too had no effect on me. Flipping the reins to a stablehand, I ascended the stairs and knocked upon the door, awaiting admittance to see her Highness.
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Mercedes de las Aragonia
Royal
Princesa of Aragonia and Condesa de Lleida
Daughter of Rafael and Colette de las Aragonia
Posts: 1,546
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Post by Mercedes de las Aragonia on Jan 24, 2011 16:41:25 GMT -5
It was the false dawn that roused me, the light hitting my tear-encrusted eyes. I hadn't slept, I couldn't. My prince, my love, my Sergei... well, I didn't know how much longer I would be able to call him my own. And that knowledge sent shards of ice through my heart. I loved him. By the Mother, I loved him so much. And once more I faced the possibility of losing love. Not just love, but Sergei. The first time I had turned my back on love. But this was so much stronger, there was no way that I could leave it behind. If he left me, he would take my heart with him.
Maybe this fight between us had been the wake-up call that I needed. Stiffly I uncurled from my chair by the window, and went to clean up. He had said that he would return, and I couldn't look like a fright when he did. No, I told myself as I looked at my reflection in the steamy mirror after my bath. I still looked awful, dark circles beneath my eyes from lack of sleep, my skin even paler than usual, if it was even possible. But it was better than red eyes and wet cheeks. I can't look like the frightened girl that he left last night. And he left me for good reason. I have to be brave, I have to apologize for my behaviour. Maybe it made sense at the time, but it was unjust of me. Sergei deserves everything I can give him. More maybe. If I'm very, very lucky, he'll forgive me. Oh please Mother, let him forgive me.
A maid knocked on the door, informing me that he was here already. My entire being froze before I forced myself to breathe. Quickly I finished braiding the end of my hair, and went out to greet him. I paused in the doorway of the sitting room, taking him in. His unruly hair, the angle of his strong jaw, those strong arms that always seemed to keep the world at bay. Maybe it was the last time I would ever see him in this room. Oh Sergei... "Good morning. I'm glad you came," I said quietly as I entered, giving him the opportunity to speak first. I certainly didn't deserve it.
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Sergei Romanov
Royal
His Royal Highness, Prince of House Romanov
Posts: 366
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Post by Sergei Romanov on Jan 24, 2011 22:16:24 GMT -5
I'd waited only a few moments before Mercedes appeared, looking... Ah Svaros, like she'd been up more than I had the night before, but it was glossed over in the way women seemed to have. I opted to try to not see it, to not see anything but her, the walls around us, the lamps and furniture.
When she spoke, I nodded my head once, a motion that was jerky and curt by habit ground into me growing up. I hated that I was falling back into it, but it was who I was, the very base of me. "I promised I'd return," I said simply, my hands clasped behind my back.
I didn't know what to say. I didn't know where things would go from here, or what she expected of me. The silence hung for a moment as I continued to stand, unsure and trying to hide the fact that I was. I looked at her, my eyes on hers, trying to read her mind, her soul, anything I could to help figure out what came next. I was irrefutably lost.
"Did you sleep well?"
An idiotic question, but only a fool would tell a woman they looked as if they hadn't slept a wink for one, and two, I didn't know what else to say. Resisting the urge to rub the heels of my palms against my eyes, I watched her, wondering, quiet.
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Mercedes de las Aragonia
Royal
Princesa of Aragonia and Condesa de Lleida
Daughter of Rafael and Colette de las Aragonia
Posts: 1,546
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Post by Mercedes de las Aragonia on Jan 24, 2011 22:44:34 GMT -5
I promised I'd return, he said, and my stomach dropped even lower. It implied that he didn't want to be here, especially with the silence that followed his statement. The erie, uncomfortable silence that sliced into my heart and made me fear the worse.
"No. Not at all. I... I did a lot of thinking," I said softly, my voice almost a whisper. I met his eyes, then looked away again. "I want to apologize. You were right, I haven't been treating you fairly. I... I could always justify my actions to myself, but that doesn't make them right."
I risked another glance up at that face. That beautiful face, the one I wasn't sure I'd see again past today. I had to look, I had to steal the picture of him and imprint it in my memory in case. "I'm sorry. I don't know if you can forgive me, but I'm truly sorry Sergei."
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Sergei Romanov
Royal
His Royal Highness, Prince of House Romanov
Posts: 366
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Post by Sergei Romanov on Jan 25, 2011 9:46:33 GMT -5
Something about her seemed to fall after I mentioned I said I'd return, and it confused me; should I not have come? I didn't think that was what she wanted.. but oh, Svaros, women were difficult to figure out in the best of times, and this was far from the best.
She broke the silence of sorts, kickstarting the reason we both were here, the reason we both were uncomfortable, unsure. It reminded me of the time that I was dared to go out on a lake in midspring; there was still ice, but it was thinning with the gradual warmth... I remember watching it crack under my feet, spidering outward, and the terror in me, not being sure if I'd be able to get back to shore without falling under.
Her apologies were heartfelt, I knew it. I knew it, blast me, and I knew the pain that was in her face. My fathers face swam before my eyes again, and I thought of Fydor, off to Ruskovia with Alexei with his failed relationship with Sabrina.. Fydor, who was with a d'Angeline Sovereign, happy as a clam and excited. No walls existed as far as I knew with him and his red-headed girl. Then Vlad, with his beautiful bride, already having children to continue the strong Romanov line...
And it didn't matter. Numbly I sat in the closest chair, my elbows leaning on my knees and my palms rubbing into my eyes. Whatever happened today, we'd still both be scarred; there was no going back from that. I looked at her from where I sat, taking her in.
"I know, Mercy... I know. I don't know what to do though, I don't know where to go from here. I know what my father would say if it were him.. but then, I don't think any of us are like him except Vlad. Weak, he'd call us." It chaffed at me, but I sat up anyway, straightening my posture. "I don't know what to do.. I don't know if it'll happen again, if it'll never change. I love you, Svaros! I love you more than I ever hoped I could love a woman, but you were raised one way, and I another. Can we ever make it mesh? If you traveled to Ruskovia and met my father, could you be the meek woman? Could you take being cut down on a whim?"
I sighed, running a hand through my unkempt hair. Father would cut her down too, if he saw any flaw in her, real or imagined. I'd defend her, but there would be nothing that I could do to take away the fact that Father had done it.
"And that's only half our families. But... I love you Mercy. I always have, I always will." I looked at her; I didn't expect her to understand my ramblings when I didn't really understand them myself. I was confused, my heart bleeding. The ice had spidered under me, and I didn't know which way to turn for safety.
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Mercedes de las Aragonia
Royal
Princesa of Aragonia and Condesa de Lleida
Daughter of Rafael and Colette de las Aragonia
Posts: 1,546
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Post by Mercedes de las Aragonia on Jan 25, 2011 12:42:34 GMT -5
I listened, trying to discern what he was truly telling me beneath his uncertainty, beneath his fear. I knelt at his feet, carefully taking one of his hands in mine. His touch reminded me why I was doing this, why it was worth the pain. "I love you too Sergei. And I trust you. I'm going to let myself trust you, if you'll still have me." I looked up into that face, that beautiful face, and saw the pain in his eyes and mirrored my own. Mother, how I wanted to wipe that pain away.
"I won't beg like I did last night," I whispered, holding his hand like the lifeline it was. "But you hold my heart Sergei. I realized how terrible it would be to lose you. I'll do anything to try to make it work. You're too precious to me not to try. I'll brave your father, I'll relax when we're out in public. I don't deserve a second chance, but I'm asking for one. Let me show you how much I trust you. Let me show you how much I love you and care for you. Please." A tear escaped to slip down my cheek, and I bowed my head. I didn't want to cry, I didn't want to seem the emotional woman. I was already asking for far more than I deserved. I didn't want to add tears on top of that, but I hadn't been able to stop that one. Maybe I wouldn't be able to stop any of them.
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Sergei Romanov
Royal
His Royal Highness, Prince of House Romanov
Posts: 366
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Post by Sergei Romanov on Jan 26, 2011 23:54:47 GMT -5
Svaros, what have we come to? I was sitting, my heart warring, walls falling and building stronger only to fall again, while Mercedes knelt before me like I held the key to her life and freedom. There was love in her eyes, but more than anything there was fear, and I didn't know what to do to erase it forever. Could I? If I stayed with her and things didn't work out, would she be hurt any less than she is now? Would it be better to break clean right now? The pain from it would cut both of us deeper than could be explained, but the clean break would allow her to heal quicker. I couldn't tell her I didn't know.. I couldn't tell her I needed a break either. It was all or nothing, and she'd laid the ball completely in my court. My fingers closed over her hand, and I raised it to press between my eyes as I tried to figure out what to do. The climatic events last night had shaken me, if not broken me, and I didn't know if I could trust anything anymore.
"You shouldn't have to beg," I said softly, not moving from how I sat. "Never; not to anyone. You shouldn't have to change who you are either, and that's the kick of it."
I pulled her hand away, though I didn't let go as I looked at her. She reminded me of a fawn I found once; its leg was broken, and it was half frozen and scared to death when I came upon it. I had a choice that time too; to put it out of its misery, or wrap its leg and hope it healed right. "You're the brightest, funniest, most beautiful woman I've ever known, Mercedes," I said softly, brushing my fingers across her forehead to clear a few strands of hair. "And you shouldn't have to try to be someone else just to make another person happy."
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Mercedes de las Aragonia
Royal
Princesa of Aragonia and Condesa de Lleida
Daughter of Rafael and Colette de las Aragonia
Posts: 1,546
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Post by Mercedes de las Aragonia on Jan 27, 2011 18:20:45 GMT -5
He raised our hands, and at first hope flared within me. But then the motion turned into one of frustration, the back of my hand pressed against his brow. At least he didn't let go. That in itself was a blessing, or at least something I took as such. I didn't want to contemplate the alternative.
"I am nothing without you." The words came out haltingly as I looked up into his eyes, dredged up from my Ruskovian lessons. It was difficult to think of anything right now, anything past the present emotional turmoil. I switched back to D'Angeline for my next words, wanting to make sure that I said the right things. "We all change for those we love Sergei. Maybe it's something as simple as taking the heel slice of bread because you know the other doesn't like it."
"I won't lie to you, and tell you that the change I need to make is as simple as that," I said, looking down for a moment before meeting his eyes again as I continued. "I have to let myself be happy with you. I've been alone for so long that I had nearly given up hope before I met you. But I'm not very good at this yet, I've been sabotaging myself because I've never been this happy for this long." I laughed a little, at myself. "Mother, that sounds so stupid, doesn't it? I've caused this because it's so hard for me to believe that life can be so good. I have been acting like a selfish fool, and you've suffered from it. I'm so very sorry."
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Sergei Romanov
Royal
His Royal Highness, Prince of House Romanov
Posts: 366
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Post by Sergei Romanov on Jan 29, 2011 17:56:44 GMT -5
I listened to her, really listened, knowing with the strength of her pride how difficult admitting she was wrong must be, but knowing too how difficult the situation was on me as well. I'd bent for so long that sometimes I didn't know who I was anymore, if I was utterly whipped -- and the thought of that infuriated me, angry at myself.
For the moment though, my mind wasn't there but here, watching her as she spoke with as much clarity, her words first coming in Ruskovian and then in d'Angeline. "I know you are sorry," I said, sighing softly with the words. "I'm sorry too, for not saying something before, but I always believed it was temporary, that you'd come out of it and see how bright the day really was. That you'd believe how much I loved you instead of just knowing it. I won't lie either Mercedes; I can't stand to be like this anymore, I've gone past my breaking point. I want to believe you, Svaros I do! But it's hard for me. Words come easy, actions do not. You love me? If I asked you to move to Ruskovia knowing you'd never see your family again, knowing your place as equal or ability to state your opinion will be gone forever in everyones eyes but mine, and only then in private, could you handle it?"
Hard questions, but ones that needed to be asked. I watched her, not flinching away, my gaze troubled but clear as I studied her. I knew right now she'd be willing to agree to near anything, but I had to ask anyway, had to make her believe I wanted to go back. Part of me did.. part of me understood exactly how Alexei felt when he fled Terre d'Ange.
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Mercedes de las Aragonia
Royal
Princesa of Aragonia and Condesa de Lleida
Daughter of Rafael and Colette de las Aragonia
Posts: 1,546
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Post by Mercedes de las Aragonia on Jan 29, 2011 18:40:47 GMT -5
His words brought me back to that day in Amilcar, to that spot in front of the fireplace where I had turned down Walid's proposal for the same reasons Sergei now offered. I shook my head, both as a response and to try to clear out the old memory. Why must it always come to this?
"Permanently? No," I answered, my voice trembling. I knew with my answer that I was likely signaling the end, and it caused more tears to spill from my eyes. But I had to be honest. He deserved, we both deserved, that much at least. "No, I wouldn't be able to handle it. It would break me Sergei. I could visit, even for an extended period of time, and keep quiet and modest and act like a doormat. But I wouldn't be able to do it forever. I'm sorry," I whispered, looking down as I tried to control my tears.
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Sergei Romanov
Royal
His Royal Highness, Prince of House Romanov
Posts: 366
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Post by Sergei Romanov on Jan 30, 2011 15:21:49 GMT -5
At first I was surprised. She didn't agree as I expected, didn't nod and tear up and say she'd move wherever I wanted her to. I wouldn't have made her, not under these conditions, but I'd expected the answer out of her anyway, and instead she turned me down. Visit for an extended period? Was I to live in Aragonia, or were we supposed to live elsewhere? Part of me wondered if she'd be happy anywhere but in Aragonia, or mayhap here, in Terre d'Ange, but I was having a difficult time of late picturing myself forever in a land where its Queen had broken my brothers heart.
I closed my eyes for one brief moment before looking at her again.. her eyes, the delicate sweep of her face and hair, her little hand held in mine. It didn't change things, but I wanted to savor it a moment longer; I knew the chances of it ever happening again were likely too low to count.
"And I think it'd break me, knowing I'd never have the option to move back to my homeland," I responded at length, my voice quiet and grave. "To never feel the embrace of Ruskovia and know my place isn't there, but elsewhere. To choose between the land where ones heart lays and the family he has created is an easy decision, but that doesn't mean living it comes as smoothly."
Abruptly I let go of her hand, my hands moving to cradle her face. I had to struggle with myself to keep my emotions under control, and I kissed her forehead while I warred within, my lips lingering on her skin before I pulled back. "You know I'll always love you, Mercy," I whispered, the unspoken words hanging in the air thickly between us.
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Mercedes de las Aragonia
Royal
Princesa of Aragonia and Condesa de Lleida
Daughter of Rafael and Colette de las Aragonia
Posts: 1,546
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Post by Mercedes de las Aragonia on Jan 30, 2011 15:49:34 GMT -5
Maybe I should have lied. Maybe I should have promised to live anywhere, as long as it was with him. But I couldn't, I simply couldn't do it, and the worst thing I could do was to try to talk myself into such a life. A life where I would have to be silent at all times in public, a life where I would have no rights of my own, no estates and people under my care. I would have been miserable, no matter how much I loved him.
Love wasn't always enough.
I had never intended to speak of our maybe future residence like this, with all these heightened emotions. I had always thought we would have been able to discuss things, explain our points of view, the ties that we had to various places. Just not like this, not all or nothing. His lips pressed against my forehead, and it was the worst touch of my life. Pain lanced through my chest, so strong that I thought I might scream. "But not enough," I whispered, the only screaming happening inside my head. I rose, shedding his hands, and turned to walk away. I actually managed to get three steps before my knees gave, and I had to catch myself on a nearby chair. My entire body hurt, throbbed with every rushing beat of my shattered heart. I tried to force myself back on my feet, tried to gather the last shredded rags of dignity around me to at least make it to the door, but my body would not respond. The stress, the pain, the humiliation, the heartbreak... it was all too much, and I crumpled to the floor with it, unable to see past the tears. I sobbed silently, afraid if I made a sound that I would start screaming and not be able to stop.
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Sergei Romanov
Royal
His Royal Highness, Prince of House Romanov
Posts: 366
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Post by Sergei Romanov on Jan 30, 2011 16:32:26 GMT -5
I watched her rise from where I sat, numb with the course of emotions that had raged within me since last night. She left me and tried to leave, but stumbled and buckled til she was on the floor; the only way I could tell that she was crying was by the shake and shiver of her shoulders.
Was this what love was supposed to be like, gone wrong? Was this what poets felt when they wrote their sad songs? I rose smoothly, not knowing whether she wanted me to touch her or not, but in the end not caring. I knew there would be someone nearby; there always was, doing their household duties and spying on their masters, and raising my voice I called for a tot of brandy for her, and hot towels to wrap 'round her, anything to help comfort her. Kneeling by her side, I brushed her hair back from her face, trying to keep myself strong, not to show my broken heart.
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Mercedes de las Aragonia
Royal
Princesa of Aragonia and Condesa de Lleida
Daughter of Rafael and Colette de las Aragonia
Posts: 1,546
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Post by Mercedes de las Aragonia on Jan 30, 2011 20:10:40 GMT -5
I knew, even through all the pain sending my mind spinning, that he hadn't left yet. But I never expected to feel his touch. Maybe of his boot as he brushed past me on his way out, but never the sensation of his callused fingers against the sides of my face. I didn't want kindness from him right then, I wanted to be able to hate him, to blame him, to curse his name even if I knew that I'd regret it later. But he was being kind.
It undid something in me. I hadn't known that a person could break more than I already had, but I found myself sobbing loudly and uncontrollably against his chest, one hand clutching at his shirt and the other weakly beating at him. Later I would be mortified by my lack of self-control, but that was later. Now, all I knew was that I loved him with all my heart and it would still never be enough. Now, all I could think of was how Elua had failed me, how the Lady Mother had failed me. It didn't matter how much I prayed, right then, I couldn't fathom that either of my gods had ever listened.
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Sergei Romanov
Royal
His Royal Highness, Prince of House Romanov
Posts: 366
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Post by Sergei Romanov on Jan 30, 2011 22:10:42 GMT -5
I wasn't sure what I expected... most of me was ready for her to push away from me, to slap me across the face or some other move like it, but instead she cried harder, half clinging to me and half beating at me. I wrapped my arms around her, holding her tight, not letting her back away until she began to calm. Soothing noises came from me, but I didn't speak any words; what could I say? That everything was going to be alright? As cliche as it came, and from a man who had just hurt her and put her in this state. I felt my heart become a stone in my chest, weighing at me; it was that or lose control of myself completely, and that wouldn't benefit either of us.
I had to go; I knew I had to, to let her begin to heal and rest. I couldn't seem to peel myself away yet though, not until her servants arrived with towels hastily warmed by a fire, a basin of warm water and a cloth for her to dab at her face with. The brandy was there too, as well as a little tot glass, but I didn't give it to her when they held it to me; that was Mercedes to decide if she needed.
"Be strong, Mercy," I whispered against her ear in the last few seconds we were together. "If you ever need me, send for me; I'll come without delay no matter what it is. Be strong."
And with that I began to pull away, her servant taking the cue and leaning down with soft murmuring words, wrapping a warmed towel around her. When I stood finally, I hesitated, then turned and made my way from the house before the anguish could show on my face, calling a curt order for my horse.
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Mercedes de las Aragonia
Royal
Princesa of Aragonia and Condesa de Lleida
Daughter of Rafael and Colette de las Aragonia
Posts: 1,546
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Post by Mercedes de las Aragonia on Jan 31, 2011 0:12:32 GMT -5
He held me tight as I sobbed as if it was the end of all things, and I hoped that he would never let go. It was not to be, but that didn't mean it hurt any less when his arms left me. I couldn't get over how much pain it caused, but I forced myself to let go of his shirt when he pulled away. The servants came, trying to care for me, but I only ignored them. I was too wrapped up in what had just happened, and I watched him stride away, his walk stiff, before I burst into a fresh set of tears. Be strong. How could I be strong? How, in all the seven hells, could I be strong? All I felt was the pain as I let the servants bundle me up and take me to my room, where I wouldn't be an eyesore to anyone coming to call. I couldn't even get angry at them, all I could do was curl up into a little ball on my bed and hope that sleep would come for me soon. It was either sleep or the bottle of brandy that waited temptingly on the side table. I closed my eyes against the sight. Drinking wouldn't being Sergei back. Nothing would.
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