Post by Raen Shahrizai on Jan 1, 2011 19:23:14 GMT -5
The days after Lei's death passed in a haze. One day bled into the next, until I hardly knew which way was up anymore. If it were not for Asha, I don't know if I would have survived it. She forced me to eat, coaxing and cajoling and outright threatening. She prodded me into bathing, though I remained unshaven and rumpled, there was only so much she could do. Her presence was a reminder of my loss, because I kept going over things in my head: If grandfather had never pushed me into marrying her, Lei never would have had that townhouse in the first place, I never would have gone back to Kusheth for those weeks, Lei wouldn't have been left alone ... it all went around in circles in my mind. If, if, if ... the most painful word in the D'angeline language.
I'm not sure how long it was before Asha started creeping into my bed at night. Not to take advantage, as I thought at first, but to soothe me when I woke up sobbing. I wanted none of her comfort at first, but I would be lying if I said that I didn't need it. And when that comfort turned physical, well, she was my wife, after all. The guilt was all-consuming at first, and I banished Asha, keeping clear of her for weeks, but she was patient and eventually she was there again, soft words and soothing balms ... I was forced to admit that she was a wonderful person, a great wife, all of my dislike for her stemmed from Lei. I felt guilty about that realization too, but when Asha told me that we were having a baby ... that's when things began to change.
It was slow at first, but watching Asha with Pascal, I knew she was a good mother, and I wanted to be a good father. I wanted my children to know that I was there for them , not wallowing in the loss of my sister. It was too late for Lei, my beautiful, sun-kissed love and all the children she might have had, but not for this child of mine. Not for Pascal, who would never know his real father, but could still have a happy childhood; who was I to hold his parentage against him? Hadn't I seen the damage that could do?
Almost half a year after my sister's death, I felt myself crawling out of the bleak pit of despair where I had resided. Whatever else there was to say about my wife, I knew that it never would have happened without her, and I owed her a husband who was present.
I'm not sure how long it was before Asha started creeping into my bed at night. Not to take advantage, as I thought at first, but to soothe me when I woke up sobbing. I wanted none of her comfort at first, but I would be lying if I said that I didn't need it. And when that comfort turned physical, well, she was my wife, after all. The guilt was all-consuming at first, and I banished Asha, keeping clear of her for weeks, but she was patient and eventually she was there again, soft words and soothing balms ... I was forced to admit that she was a wonderful person, a great wife, all of my dislike for her stemmed from Lei. I felt guilty about that realization too, but when Asha told me that we were having a baby ... that's when things began to change.
It was slow at first, but watching Asha with Pascal, I knew she was a good mother, and I wanted to be a good father. I wanted my children to know that I was there for them , not wallowing in the loss of my sister. It was too late for Lei, my beautiful, sun-kissed love and all the children she might have had, but not for this child of mine. Not for Pascal, who would never know his real father, but could still have a happy childhood; who was I to hold his parentage against him? Hadn't I seen the damage that could do?
Almost half a year after my sister's death, I felt myself crawling out of the bleak pit of despair where I had resided. Whatever else there was to say about my wife, I knew that it never would have happened without her, and I owed her a husband who was present.