Mercedes de las Aragonia
Royal
Princesa of Aragonia and Condesa de Lleida
Daughter of Rafael and Colette de las Aragonia
Posts: 1,546
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Post by Mercedes de las Aragonia on Jun 21, 2010 13:47:15 GMT -5
Sergei had invited him out to a concert that night, which I thought was very sweet of him. One of the smaller orchestras in the capital was debuting a new symphony. The night had not gone well, and it had nothing to do with the music or the musicians. No, it was the other audience members. Somehow, the concert had drawn together the meanest gossip the court had to offer along with the Aragonian ambassador. I had tensed when I spotted them together, a smirk on the gossip's face.
Sergei had been trying to be affectionate, trying to distract me from the lingering grief of my cousin Nicanor's death. But during intermission we met with the ambassador, making small talk, and I grew more and more nervous beneath his judgmental gaze. With every one of Sergei's affectionate gestures - a hand at the small of my back, tucking a stray piece of hair behind my ears - it only seemed to get worse. The rest of the night was ruined, for I felt as if the ambassador was watching me through the concert, weighing and judging and planning out the report he would send to my uncle where he branded me little more than a strumpet.
I was afraid it all made me act terribly towards Sergei, cold and unaffectionate, even as we rode home in the carriage.
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Sergei Romanov
Royal
His Royal Highness, Prince of House Romanov
Posts: 366
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Post by Sergei Romanov on Jun 21, 2010 14:48:21 GMT -5
The night had been disastrous. For a while now, I'd been.. confused as to what exactly it was that Mercedes wanted from me, where exactly the lines lay, even when they were there, if at all. She was the sweetest, smartest, most beautiful woman I'd ever met.. and the most damnably confusing and frustrating one. It seemed no matter how I tried comforting her I was doing it wrong, tonight especially, always managing to misstep and have her draw away from me completely.
By the end of the night, I'd given up. The carriage ride had been cold in more than just temperature, and I exited the carriage ahead of her, holding my hand to help her down before letting go of it again. I'd walk her to the doors, but after everything else, I honestly didn't expect to do anything more than just go home to sleep.
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Mercedes de las Aragonia
Royal
Princesa of Aragonia and Condesa de Lleida
Daughter of Rafael and Colette de las Aragonia
Posts: 1,546
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Post by Mercedes de las Aragonia on Jun 21, 2010 15:19:31 GMT -5
He helped me down from the carriage, his hand falling away immediately as if he found my touch repulsive. Oh Mother, how had it come to this? I was near tears, angry at him and the ambassador and that little twit of a gossip. But mostly at myself for not knowing how to deal with it all. Thinking on it all, despair caused a single tear to escape down my cheek. I brushed it away hurriedly.
"Would you like to come in for a moment?" I whispered when we reached the front door. I was looking at my feet, trying to hide how upset I was until I got myself under control.
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Sergei Romanov
Royal
His Royal Highness, Prince of House Romanov
Posts: 366
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Post by Sergei Romanov on Jun 21, 2010 18:50:11 GMT -5
The tear hadn't escaped my notice, but Svaros, I didn't know what to do. I was frustrated, felt more than slightly pushed away after everything tonight, and anymore I didn't know if she wanted me to comfort her when she cried, or just leave her alone. That she invited me in came as a complete surprise, and I blinked with it before I answered, one hand picking off my hat so my other could run through my shaggy locks.
"I.. I could do that," I said, reaching to open the door for her. My fingers touched her back to guide her in, but I didn't do more than that, still utterly confused.
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Mercedes de las Aragonia
Royal
Princesa of Aragonia and Condesa de Lleida
Daughter of Rafael and Colette de las Aragonia
Posts: 1,546
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Post by Mercedes de las Aragonia on Jun 21, 2010 21:38:55 GMT -5
"Thank you," I managed as we went inside. I led him into the sitting room, sending the maid away who came to offer refreshments. I knew that I should sit and try to calm myself down, but I only got so far as taking my gloves off, my hands wringing at them.
"I wasn't expecting the ambassador to be there," I said abruptly, looking at the carpet beneath my slippers. I knew I needed to explain myself, but my thoughts were scattered.
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Sergei Romanov
Royal
His Royal Highness, Prince of House Romanov
Posts: 366
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Post by Sergei Romanov on Jun 23, 2010 8:53:13 GMT -5
She was fretting, not her calm self at all, and I bit back a sigh. I didn't understand half of what happened tonight, except a casual night out had broken down into pieces.
"Were you unhappy to see him?" I watched her as I stood, my coat still on. The fire warmed the room, and I stood off to the side of it, letting its light wash over her instead.
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Mercedes de las Aragonia
Royal
Princesa of Aragonia and Condesa de Lleida
Daughter of Rafael and Colette de las Aragonia
Posts: 1,546
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Post by Mercedes de las Aragonia on Jun 24, 2010 1:01:02 GMT -5
"No. Yes. He makes me nervous. My uncle respects his opinion," I said, though even as I spoke I didn't know if it was a good enough explanation. Sergei hadn't sat down, hadn't even taken off his coat. Gods, how had I ruined everything?
No. No, it wasn't just my fault. He had been pushing me, ever since Kusheth, being more demonstrative in public. And the stupid ambassador... Another tear escaped as I tried to get control of myself.
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Sergei Romanov
Royal
His Royal Highness, Prince of House Romanov
Posts: 366
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Post by Sergei Romanov on Jun 24, 2010 14:28:27 GMT -5
I listened to her without comment, my hands stuffing themselves inside the pockets of my ebony coat. She was nervous, her uncle respects his opinion. Was that why she was so cold to me, pulling away, edging from me when I tried to show affection? Even something so simple as a hand on her back had made her stiffen, and it stabbed at me, flaring pain in my heart that only made my face draw closed off to emotion.
"I see."
I didn't know what else to say; she was ashamed of me, or at the very least, not proud of our relationship to those from her country. She'd always acted as much, not wanting to show we were together past friends. It made much sense, now.
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Mercedes de las Aragonia
Royal
Princesa of Aragonia and Condesa de Lleida
Daughter of Rafael and Colette de las Aragonia
Posts: 1,546
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Post by Mercedes de las Aragonia on Jun 24, 2010 16:24:00 GMT -5
His noncommittal answer caused a spark of anger in me. The one tear became two, and then three. "No, I don't think you do. You're a man, you could sleep with half the women in the city and not be judged for it." The words spilled out in a flood. I was too upset, my control lost. "I'm supposed to be this chaste, modest, silent woman who obeys her father. I'm good for nothing but needlepoint and baring children. Just the baring mind you, we have nannies for the raising. I'm not supposed to think for myself, just marry whoever my family choses for me and pop out many fat sons." The tears were flowing freely down my face now, and I threw my gloves down on the couch beside me. "And maybe if my husband is indulgent, he'll take me out to society events where I can only speak of inane topics like fashion and what the reya had for breakfast. That's the world I'm trying to fit into Sergei, that's the world I'm trying to survive in. Except, I'm not just an Aragonian princess, oh no. I'm half D'Angeline. At any given moment, I'm expected to fall into sin. They watch me twice as closely, and judge me twice as harshly. And if I fall from grace, my uncle will have me married off before either my father or I can protest, so that I don't bring any more sh-shame to the family." My voice broke then, and I dissolved into sobs, sinking down onto the couch with my face in my hands.
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Sergei Romanov
Royal
His Royal Highness, Prince of House Romanov
Posts: 366
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Post by Sergei Romanov on Jun 25, 2010 16:00:40 GMT -5
At first I was taken off guard by her sudden rant, but the more I listened to her, the more she said, the angrier I got. My features drew down, and I watched her, as tears slid down her face, but I knew they weren't tears of sadness. She was mad at ME? Me?!
"That is not my fault, Mercedes," I said, my voice cold and low, where hers had been fast and emotional. "You're Aragonian, but you are also d'Angeline, or have you forgotten? You stand here, in a city of angels, in a land whose inhabitants run the blood of gods. That blood is in you, but instead of embracing it, you choose to uphold your Aragonian side alone."
Normally, I was slow to anger, and I supposed I had been tonight as well, but everything had broken down at once here. My face, used more to smiling, held a deep frown, as she sat on the couch with her hands covering her face. Protocol said I should go hold her, or give her a handkerchief, but I felt little compassion in me at the moment, not when she'd done all this to herself with her damnable stubbornness. I'd bent over backwards for her time and time again, and yet still it came to this.
"I've never once asked you to be modest for me, or chaste, or silent, and I really don't care if you know how to sew or not. All I've ever wanted was you Mercedes. Just you. Svaros! But you don't even let me touch you in public without flinching. Heavens forbid I kiss you, because I don't know if you'll turn scarlet and pull away from me, and pretend like nothing happened and no one saw. If you're embarrassed of me, or if you'd prefer no one know we're together, then please let me know, so I can stop this facade once and for all."
My words had a bite to them born of the hurt I bore in my chest, the little stabbings that wreaked across my heart. I'd not yet shouted, not as my Father was apt to do, but my voice had raised, and I no longer needed the fire to keep me warm. No, I was hot enough already to do it myself.
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Mercedes de las Aragonia
Royal
Princesa of Aragonia and Condesa de Lleida
Daughter of Rafael and Colette de las Aragonia
Posts: 1,546
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Post by Mercedes de las Aragonia on Jun 26, 2010 2:06:00 GMT -5
I was shocked out of my sobbing by his words, and the tone to them. I looked up, my wet hands falling uselessly in front of me. He sat there across from me, his eyes cold as he labeled our relationship in the cruelest way possible. "Facade?" I asked, my voice soft and raw. "You think this is all just a facade?"
I sat there for a moment, knowing this was all spinning out of control and not knowing how to stop it. "I am doing my best to try and assimilate two opposing cultures without being disowned or given away to an old man like a piece of chattel. Sometimes I don't do it very well. And if that's... If that's too much for you to deal with..." I had to take another moment to swallow back the tears that threatened once more. I stood and went over to the side table, unable to look at him glowering at me anymore, the look on his face piercing arrows through my chest. Instead my eyes gazed out the window to the garden, unseeing. "Then you're not the man I thought you were. The one that I love, the one that I would gladly spend the rest of my life with, if he ever got around to asking me. But that's not going to happen now is it? You've decided that I'm ashamed of you, that you're my dirty secret."
I wanted to pour myself a measure of brandy, but I was afraid of spilling it everywhere. "It's not you I'm ashamed of," I whispered, almost to myself.
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Sergei Romanov
Royal
His Royal Highness, Prince of House Romanov
Posts: 366
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Post by Sergei Romanov on Jun 30, 2010 9:55:58 GMT -5
I could have sighed as she latched onto one word of everything I said, every last thing. As it was, my frown deepened, listening to her continue on, taking what I'd said out of context. Had I blundered and misspoke with these gods be damned language barriers? But, no, I didn't think so. I'd come far indeed with my speech, and if an accent still lay thick in my voice, my words were still correct.
"Svaros Mercedes! If you are embarrassed to be with me, then it is a facade! You shouldn't feel embarrassed at being with the one you love, nor should you pull away just because some man," I sneered at the word, "might say something to your uncle."
Anger threaded through me, my fists knotting at my sides. I'd grown in a country where women did as they were told, just like Mercedes had spoken of, but I'd never treated her as it, not once, and right now I had to struggle not to fall into it and throw the delicate glass figurine next to my elbow against the wall. I didn't think I'd ever been this mad before, but neither had I been this hurt, felt like she'd trampled across my heart no matter how I offered it.
"Our entire relationship, I've had to fight to get anything from you. Even in the beginning, at the market, do you remember? I kissed you when you didn't want it, and you slapped me. I told you I'd never do it again til you asked, and even since then I've done my best not to make you do anything you didn't want, and if you pull back, I didn't force you, like my father would have, or my eldest brother." Forcing my fingers out of my fists, I stared at her, cold and hard. She whispered something, but I didn't hear it, so loud was the roaring of my own fires in my ears.
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Mercedes de las Aragonia
Royal
Princesa of Aragonia and Condesa de Lleida
Daughter of Rafael and Colette de las Aragonia
Posts: 1,546
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Post by Mercedes de las Aragonia on Jun 30, 2010 17:37:03 GMT -5
As upset as I was, as we both were, some little part of me knew that he was right. That he had every reason to drop me and never talk to me again.
"You want just me right? That's what you said, just Mercedes," I said, my voice mostly even. I was struggling to regain some sort of calm as I turned around to face him again. One look and I knew he was furious, and I faltered before I continued at a whisper, knowing I had to at least try to explain it to him. He deserved that much. "This mess, this is me right now Sergei. I have this... this thing inside me, and I'm afraid of letting it out, afraid of what I'll become. If we were anywhere else, if you were someone I didn't care for, it wouldn't be an issue. But I love you so much and I want... I want things I'm not supposed to want until we're married." I shook my head. "And saying that isn't fair to you, but it's the truth. And it's also the truth that if I... give myself to you completely and you leave me, it could well be the ambassador's opinion that decides my fate." Gods, saying these things to him might well have been the most difficult thing I had ever done. "So please don't mock me. I'm not embarrassed of you, and you'd never say that if you had read some of the letters I've sent my mother. I was just trying to be careful. Of my heart and my reputation. It's all I have."
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Sergei Romanov
Royal
His Royal Highness, Prince of House Romanov
Posts: 366
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Post by Sergei Romanov on Jul 19, 2010 13:51:54 GMT -5
I listened to her through the rush in my ears, and though I heard every word, I had to force myself not to answer right away for the words that might otherwise have snapped off my tongue. When I did respond, my voice was low, tightly controlled, much as my posture and features were.
"I've never once asked, hinted or expected you to sleep with me." Blunt, but there was little eloquence in me right now. "I've never once tried to touch you inappropriately, even when we were alone - picnicking outside the Cities walls, the trip out to see your family, the night after Midwinter. I've respected you and all your walls, all your rules, and still you grow cold with me the moment you see someone who might damage your reputation with your family. No."
I shook my head, and in my hurt, the next part came out in Ruskovian before I caught myself and said it in d'Angeline. "You may love me, but you love your reputation more. You love me, Mercedes, but you love your reputation more. I will not be a secret, or a fear, a source of happiness and constant worry. If you love me, you will be proud to be with me, and you'll trust me."
Pulling my gloves from my belt, I tugged them on; I couldn't stay. This was not going to go anywhere but south, continuously south. I wasn't a man who could constantly be pushed down like this; whether it was my rearing in Ruskovia or my temperament alone, the gruffness in me was coming out whether I willed it or no, overruling every other part of me while anger swarmed my system.
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Mercedes de las Aragonia
Royal
Princesa of Aragonia and Condesa de Lleida
Daughter of Rafael and Colette de las Aragonia
Posts: 1,546
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Post by Mercedes de las Aragonia on Jul 27, 2010 16:09:14 GMT -5
"Don't give orders to me," I snapped. It was nearly impossible not to react to his anger, and I had a feeling that it didn't matter what I said anymore. Anger was making him blind, and his blindness was making me angrier. Oh Mother how did we come to such a vicious circle?
But then he started to put on his gloves, and everything changed. The thought of him leaving like this... Fear filled me. The way things were, he could walk out that door and never come back. "Please don't," I blurted out. "I'm sorry, just don't leave, please."
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Sergei Romanov
Royal
His Royal Highness, Prince of House Romanov
Posts: 366
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Post by Sergei Romanov on Aug 25, 2010 14:45:37 GMT -5
She snapped, and my anger spiked, enough that my hands stopped moving on my gloves while I stared at her. "Orders? Orders! I give no orders! I never have! Svaros Mercy, a relationship is nothing without respect and trust! If I wanted a woman to order around, I'd have picked out a simpering d'Angeline, or let Father arrange my marriage, something he assuredly will do within the next few years anyhow, if I don't find a suitable bride first." My gloves were already in place by the time she started speaking, and I looked at her, angry and hurt, as her mood suddenly switched, begging me not to leave.
"What good will staying do?" It was a simple question, because at this point, I honestly didn't know. For me, leaving didn't mean the end of everything, it meant space for us to cool down - I knew I needed it. Tugging on the bottom of my coat, I adjusted it into place, though my movements were done with a snap, a harshness born of emotions. "I'll come back on the morrow, after we've both had time to cool down."
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Mercedes de las Aragonia
Royal
Princesa of Aragonia and Condesa de Lleida
Daughter of Rafael and Colette de las Aragonia
Posts: 1,546
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Post by Mercedes de las Aragonia on Sept 1, 2010 0:36:39 GMT -5
Tears began to stream down my face, the despair to great. If I had cared, I would have been embarrassed, I must have looked like a sopping mess. But nothing was more pressing right then than what was going on between us. "You promise you'll come back?" I whispered, my voice raw. I wrapped my arms around my torso, a poor substitute for his embrace. But then, I might never feel that again.
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