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Post by Naia Shahrizai on May 22, 2010 1:00:22 GMT -5
Third week of winter, Year one of Queen Sabrina's Reign
The morning after my natale, I woke up, sprawled across my bed, still in my clothes of the night before. My head was aching and as I rolled to sit up, a wave of nausea passed over me that made me grip the side of the bed and take deep breaths, trying to still the roiling of my stomach. Gods, I did not think I had drunk so much to feel as sick as this; indeed, last night had been rather tame by my standards, aside from the opium, but thus far I had not found that to make me overly sick either. Well, as long as I did not wait too long to get more, but it had not been so long as that.
Sighing, I managed to make it to the small bathing room that adjoined my room, emptying my stomach into the chamber pot, which was clean, thankfully. As I sank down onto the cool stone floor, resting my head against the wall and wiping my mouth with the back of my hand, more things from last night came back to me. Azriel. He was angry. I felt the shame rise up, along with the familiar self-loathing, worse than the sickness in my belly.
I rose on unsteady feet and walked to my bedroom door, opening it to find one of the servants approaching with a tray.
"Miss Naia, I was just about to see if you wanted some breakfast, it's past midmorning, you must be starving."
I was about to protest, when my stomach growled and I realized that I was starving. I bid her place the tray on a small table by the window, and then asked for a bath. I was determined to shake off this malaise, get dressed properly, and go find my cousin and apologize. Hopefully he would forgive me and I would not be out looking for a place to live - again.
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Post by Azriel Shahrizai on May 22, 2010 14:24:25 GMT -5
The morning after Naia's natal I woke up with a rise of frustration at the situation I had been presented with last night. I dressed in casual attire, broke my fast, then went to Naia's room once I had been informed that she was away.
When I reached her door I knocked, waiting for a reply to enter.
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Post by Naia Shahrizai on May 22, 2010 21:46:49 GMT -5
I hadn't yet had the chance to bathe, though I did manage to eat a few bites of breakfast, though I was still queasy, when someone knocked on the door. I assumed it was a servant or something, so I simply called out, "Come in," and did not bother rising from my chair, only leaning forward with my head in my hands. I had seen myself in the glass, and it was not a good look: I was paler than usual, with circles under my eyes, my hair was still halfway up and completely disheveled, and my gown, well one could tell I had slept in it, and I think I had some bruises on my arms from God knows what. I hoped that whoever it was at the door wasn't going to look too closely at me!
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Post by Azriel Shahrizai on May 24, 2010 0:00:43 GMT -5
I entered into her rooms and found her in quite a state, I felt bad for her, but not at the same time; she most likely deserved the mess she was in. "Morning." I said very loudly, knowing she likely had a head ache. "How are you feeling?"
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Post by Naia Shahrizai on May 24, 2010 0:52:13 GMT -5
I was surprised when it was Azriel who entered. My face colored slightly as I remembered the night before, and though I had planned to apologize, I had hoped to be feeling less like death warmed over when it happened.
"Terrible, which is odd considering I barely had a drink last night." I gestured to the chair across the table from me. "Breakfast? I was meaning to come see you soon, actually." I regarded him and wondered where to begin, chewing at my lower lip the way I did when I was nervous or thoughtful.
"Look, Azriel, I'm sorry about last night. I didn't mean to get so carried away. I've never thrown a party before, and the Shahrizai are known for their parties so I felt like I had to keep up... it started with something small, but then it just snowballed, one thing after another... into quite a disaster." I slumped down in my chair, resisting the urge to add, like everything I touch.
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Post by Azriel Shahrizai on May 24, 2010 12:59:13 GMT -5
I sat down at the table and waved off her offer of breakfast as I listened to her speak. "Yes well," I said softly and then sighed as I looked away and then back to her. "I'm very disapointed in you Naia." I continued as I shifted in my seat to look at her more fully, then clasped my hands together and leaned onto the table with my elbows.
"Look, I know you have not had an easy life growing up, I know you're father was... absent," Absent was probably the kindest way to say it. "Its why I feel so connected to you. Truth be told, you're the closest I have to... well I'll be honest I see you like a daughter or a niece then a cousin." I sighed a little. "Thats why I'm so disapointed, and extremely concerned about your behaviours. I want you to understand that, I want you to know that I care about you deeply and theres nothing I'd like to see more then to see you flourish and grow and make a real life for yourself. Not just waste it drinking and sleeping around." I looked down and the table and took a breath before I ran my hand through my hair as I thought then finally looked up at her.
"Heres the thing, I want you to stay here permenantly, I want you to come live with me in a proper fashion, but if you do it must be under the right terms. Your fete last night... well I will get to that in a moment. If you want to stay here, and I hope you do, then there will be some... guidelines shall we say. First of all, I'll expect you to treat my home as you would treat some one else's property. My staff and all thats within my home should be given the proper respect; I think that goes without saying and with the acception of last night I know that you will be able to do this. Secondly, you will not be allowed to say out all night when ever you feel; you've made your majority so I will not enforce a curfew, nor would I impune your ability to self govern by making you do so. But I will not accept night after night of drinking and... what ever else you've been doing." I took a breath as I continued to look at her.
"Also, I would like you to take some classes at the academy, I don't care what they are in, and I will pay for them on the basis that you must attend and you must pass. Beyond that you are free to decide when and where this happens, you can take one or you can take ten, I don't care, but you're a smart girl Naia and you're wasting it by doing what you're doing." I leaned back in my chair then and crossed my arms over my chest.
"Now, as for last night, this is where you will likely be very unhappy with me. You haven't been down stairs yet, but when you go, you'll notice that I've instructed my staff not to clean up; this will be your job. And since you apparently gave people free reign to fornicate within the rooms of my house, you will go to each room and clean any... stains... that you find. And just so we're clear, this will never happen again, if you wish to throw a fete again, you will do it with me. This was supposed to be my fete too Naia and you embarrassed me deeply in front of our family. You took advantage of my kindness and it will not happen again, you can be sure of that." I cleared my throat then and rose.
"Speaking of which, I apparently had the pleasure of meeting one of you guests, a Marquise Soleil Belfours. Turns out she was one of those under the impression that she could use my rooms at will was was taking advantage of said opportunity when I kicked her out. I will be writing an apology letter to her today, and you will be giving it to her in person. You will then explain that you made a mistake and that you're sorry as well." I took one last breath and crossed my arms against my chest.
"Now, is this all understood Naia. I want to make if very clear to you that I will not let you continue on this path. You're father may not have had the desire to build you up and give you a life, but I'll be damned sure that I don't sit back and watch you waste this life you've been given."
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Post by Naia Shahrizai on May 25, 2010 22:05:46 GMT -5
I stared down at the table when Azriel started to speak, losing my appetite as the food turned to ashes in my mouth. He was disappointed in me? It hurt, more than I thought it would, given that everyone in my life had been disappointed in me at one time or another. I felt the familiar wall going up.
But that wasn't all he had to say, and my jaw dropped as he began to give out a litany of rules that even my father had never bothered with. My first reaction was to get defensive .... go to the academy? clean up after last night? apologize to some brainless idiot from the party? I felt my breathing quicken as I snapped my mouth shut and tried to select one of a hundred ways to lash at him for being so incredibly presumptuous. I would pack up my things and go stay ... where? With Leighton? Beg my sister to have me back?
Then some of the other things he said began to sink in. He saw me as a daughter? He wanted to give me a good life? It was such an astonishing thing to say that I raised my eyes and just stared at him for a good long time before nodding curtly, not trusting myself to speak at first. My heart was pounding suddenly at the idea of doing these "responsible" things, it was terrifying to contemplate. If I did this, if I took a chance at actually trying to do something with my life ... well, what if I couldn't? What if I failed? Wasn't it better to cut my losses now, before it hurt too much?
Maybe another time I would have said yes and gone quickly, but what he had said about being a father to me struck me so much more than anything ever had. I wanted a father. I wanted a father who cared about me, who cared enough to impose limits and be there. A father like Azriel.
"I have to go apologize to her by myself?" I asked in a voice that was so small I hardly recognized it. I could only imagine how humiliating that was going to be. Everything else he'd asked I could do, but this would be the hardest by far.
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Post by Azriel Shahrizai on May 25, 2010 22:21:53 GMT -5
I could see it in her eyes, I could see it in every line of her face, that triumphant resolve to tell me to go to hell, to rise up against order and play the game of undo hurt, to be the undo child. I could tell it, and not because I was Shahrizai, but because I knew the feeling; my parents abandon me, and though I had known in the back of my mind that they hadn't done so on purpose, that they never would have chosen it if they could have, they had left me all alone. Except no one had wanted to take their place, no one had wanted to do what was best, I certainly wasn't going to let Naia go through that. I would try, or I would die doing so. When she asked about going to apologize I almost relented, almost gave in and told her I'd go with her, but what would she learn? "Yes." I said finally as I looked at her. "Naia, what's going to happen when theres no one left in this world to take care of you?" I asked and pulled my seat around to where she was and sat next to her; I reached out and took her hand in mine. "I know you think you're independant, that you take care of yourself, but its just not true. You're no independant, you're....amused, you're living off of everyone else and calling it freedom. What if me, and your sister, what if everyone close to you died tomorrow, how would you surrive?" I asked softly. "You're an incredibly strong young woman Naia, I know you would find a way, but at what cost?" I reached up and tucked a lock of hair lovingly behind her ear. "You can be wild and free, and still know how to take care of yourself... properly. You can still have what you want, and be responsible." I sighed a little. "Don't you want more for yourself... because thats what you should be asking, don't you want a good, safe life that you've given yourself? Don't you want to achieve something great, not for your family, or your sister, or even me, but for you?" I continued to hold her hand in mine. "This is the first step Naia, a journey of a thousand miles, starts with a single step."
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Post by Naia Shahrizai on May 26, 2010 21:47:23 GMT -5
I had really been hoping he'd come with me, but I supposed I couldn't fault him for not doing so; I was the one who had made a mess out of things, after all. I was surprised when he pulled his chair around to mine, self-conscious even, because although Azriel was like a father to me, it was still embarrassing to have him see me like this. He took my hand and began to speak, and for once in my life, I listened.
He was right, about everything, and I wanted to hate him for it, but I couldn't. Instead, I did something even more mortifying - I started to cry. Not just a trickle of tears, but really cry, unable to hold back the sobs that seemed to come out of nowhere, from somewhere that I thought I had successfully buried. I turned my face away, trying to stop the shaking of my shoulders and the sudden pain and longing that writhed in my belly. Gods, where was this coming from? It was as if by opening the door to Azriel, everything I held inside for all of these years was pouring out.
If I had been embarrassed before, now I was positively mortified!
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Post by Azriel Shahrizai on May 26, 2010 23:17:25 GMT -5
She didn't respond, not in the way I thought she would, instead she just cried and it broke my heart. I pulled my seat up even closer to her and wrapped my arms around her, holding her tight to me. "Its alright." I said softly as I rocked her a little and kissed her head. "Go ahead and let it out." I whispered as I continued to hold her. "Its alright." I continued to murmur, feeling tears of my own sting my eyes and I closed them as I held onto her, knowing just how she felt.
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Post by Naia Shahrizai on May 31, 2010 0:46:52 GMT -5
I did as he said, curling into his arms as if I were still a child, which I often felt like, and let it all out, crying for every hurt inflicted on that sad little girl that I had been since the day that Sarielle had left home. I cried for her loss of innocence, for the slights and blows that she had suffered everyday; I cried for the loss of her mother, her sister, for the fact that she had never been loved by her father, not even for one day of her life. I cried for the person that she had become: for every time she had lain with a man she loathed, for every drunken mistake she'd made, for every decision that led to more pain.
When the tears finally slowed, my face soaked with them, and Azriel's shirt besides, I felt hollow, but not in the usual way. I felt exhausted and empty and oddly lighter. The pain of all these years was not gone with a few tears, but it was lessened. I sensed that something had changed in me, shifted, but I didn't know what. I just didn't have the energy to keep my pain and anger fueled.
"I'm sorry," I said, finally pulling back and wiping my eyes, kohl coming away on the back of my hand making me think that my face must be a frightful sight. "I don't know what came over me." I felt my cheeks heat; finding this entire thing to be suddenly rather embarrassing. I was sure that Azriel was not in the habit of having troublemaking girls throw wild parties and then sob all over his shoulder.
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Post by Azriel Shahrizai on May 31, 2010 20:23:48 GMT -5
I held her softly, stroking my hand over her back as she cried, letting it all go as she did. When she finally pulled back and ran my hand over her head and sighed a little. "I do." I said softly. "Years of holding in your feelings and thoughts." I murmured. "How do you feel now?"
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Post by Naia Shahrizai on May 31, 2010 21:12:58 GMT -5
"I'm not sure..." I said, letting my hair hang forward to obscure my face. I was not one of those women who could cry and still look beautiful - my eyes would be all swollen, my nose ran, and I knew that I had to have kohl all over my cheeks.
"Empty," I said finally, "but not, like it's still there, waiting." I leaned against him again, burying my face in his neck. "I don't want it to come back... how do I get rid of these feelings?" I didn't know if Azriel had the answers, but I did know that I was beyond tired of carrying around all of this pain.
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Post by Azriel Shahrizai on Jun 1, 2010 23:33:13 GMT -5
I sighed gently as I stroked her hair, looking at her as she searched for answers within me and within herself. "Time.. and patience." I said with a faint smile. "Its going to take time Naia, I won't lie and say it will be easy. But I'm here to help you, you know that, you can count on me for anything." I leaned forward and kissed her forehead. "You can do this Naia, I believe in you, now you have to believe in yourself."
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Post by Naia Shahrizai on Jun 3, 2010 22:20:57 GMT -5
I sighed too, heavily, smiling a little through my tears. "Bet you didn't know you'd signed on for fatherhood when I asked you if I could stay here," I said, laughing a bit. His words made my cheeks flush, I felt almost embarrassed by them.
"Um, I guess I should get cleaned up if I'm going to see the Marquise," I said, trying to run my hand through my hair, but it got caught up halfway and I had to tug my fingers out. "And wash my hair..." I added, though I had to close my eyes for a moment as another bout of nausea washed over me. So much for my original plan of spending all day in bed!
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Post by Azriel Shahrizai on Jun 9, 2010 21:09:46 GMT -5
I smiled fainted and ran my fingers through a lock of hair. "Probably a good idea." I said softly, thinking about her words. "And I don't mind the idea of fatherhood, not with you as my... daughter" I added, smiling a bit wider and gave a little chuckle. "I'll go write the note, when you're ready come knock on my door." I rose then, cupping her head gently with a smile before I pulled away and turned, walking toward the door and then out, closing it behind me to give Naia her privacy.
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Post by Naia Shahrizai on Jun 9, 2010 23:38:04 GMT -5
I felt myself flushing hot and cold as Azriel left the room. Me, as his daughter. What an odd idea. I remembered the first time I'd seen him, in the sitting room of Sarielle's with two Valerians between them, and now here we were, sharing a house and with me sobbing all over his shoulder. Stranger things had happened, I was sure, but I certainly couldn't think of any!
I bathed, taking my time as I tried to soak away the queasiness. Also, it took quite some time to wash my tangled curls, a task which was tiring in itself. When that was all done, I dressed in a sober navy blue affair, with a black cloak to keep the cold away. I had determined to walk rather than ride, hoping the fresh air would do me good. In the glass I appeared much paler than usual, with dark rings around my eyes that had nothing to do with the kohl.
I rapped at Azriel's door when I was ready to go, already rehearsing what I would say to the Marquise when I arrived. I hoped that she would accept my apology without dressing me down too terribly much, I felt bad enough as it was!
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Post by Azriel Shahrizai on Jun 14, 2010 20:10:12 GMT -5
I went to my room and immediately wrote out the letter to the Marquise;
Dear Marquise Belfours;
Please forgive my rude behaviour the other night. I'm afraid that it was very unbecoming of me and not acceptable. My cousin Naia took a few liberties when arranging the fete and did not speak with me in regards to the posibility that those in attendance would wish to have privacy.
Once again, I apologize.
Azriel Shahrizai, Marquis Le Mons
When I heard the knock at the door I sealed up the letter and rose, moving to the door where Naia was behind. I opened it and gave her a bit of a stern look but not too much and held out the letter. "Good luck." I said softly then give her a soft smile before closing the door and turning into my rooms once again. The madness of children was certainly lost on me.
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Post by Naia Shahrizai on Jun 14, 2010 22:03:24 GMT -5
I took the letter and Azriel's wish of luck and headed downstairs with a sigh. I had continued to hope that he would relent, but in that I had no luck at all. I decided to walk to the Marquise's home, hoping the fresh air would make me feel better, and also using the time to compose my apology. I was still smarting over my talk with Azriel, still out of sorts and awkward and full of emotions I had no name for and the walk was as much to clear my head as anything else.
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