Silent Conversation: Adin and Sid

[Sidonie Raviver (D)]

We walked in complete silence all the way to Caisse de Pomme. Strangely enough I didn't mind it, it saved me the trouble of trying to think of things to say. I did glance toward him when ever I could; sidelong glances when ever I thought he wouldn't see me, but I still looked. Once again the urge to weep pulled at my heart and caught in my throat, I did the best to push it down and focus on other things.

When we arrived, we were escorted to a small table and shown the menu. Sitting was becoming dificult and I only just managed to sit down without looking like a sac of potatoes.
"I hope you don't mind, but I'm starving, I plan to eat.... and probably a lot." I said softly. Honestly, I didn't care if he minded or not, I was going eat, I figured it was the least of my worries to wonder if he would find it unlady like or not.
But I still blushed at the thought, feeling almost embarassed after thinking such a thought. I smiled gently, trying to duck my head as I looked down at my menu in attempt to hid the warmth that was spreading across my cheeks.

[Adin nó Alyssum]

Usually I didn't mind quiet. But the silence between us felt long and strained as we made our way to the tea house. At least we weren't saying anything awful to one another. Things could always be worse.

"That's fine. I ate at my parents," I replied when we were settled at a table. "I'll just have a cup of tea."

[Sidonie Raviver (D)]

I nodded gently.
"How are your parents?" I asked, partially curious, partially just trying to be polite.

[Adin nó Alyssum]

"They are well," I replied. I took a menu and opened it before thinking that I should say something else. "They are preparing for winter. The season is quite busy for them."

[Sidonie Raviver (D)]

I nodded a little as he spoke.
"Why's that?" I asked, feeling stupid for not knowing. I felt like I should know everything about Adin.

[Adin nó Alyssum]

"The harvest is in, so everyone's coming back to the City for the social season," I explained. "Part of the social season for some is my parents' salon."

[Sidonie Raviver (D)]

"Oh, I see." I replied and nodded, it was then that the server came over to me and I ordered a stew, sandwich, and a cracker and cheese plate as well as a pitcher of water for the table before looking to Adin to order what he wished.
Elua, he was so handsome; again I had the urge to reach out and touch his face.

[Adin nó Alyssum]

She really hadn't been kidding when she had said that she was hungry. I ordered the vanilla tea, and the server went off again. I tucked the menu away so that I would fiddle with it, and fell into silence.

[Sidonie Raviver (D)]

Adin was quiet, and so was I, trying to think of things to say, things that wouldn't cause old hurts to be reborn anew; I cleared my throat and tried for something neutral.
"Anything new happening with you in the last few months?" There that was fairly neutral, it didn't mention anything that could cause issue... I hoped.

[Adin nó Alyssum]

The silence was still awkward, our gazes seeming to dart everywhere but to meet each other's. At her question, I thought of all the possible things I could say. Most of them would hurt her too much, so I settled for a piece of news that might not have been the most modest, but at least it wasn't negative. "I was named Second," I said, looking down to where my clasped hands rested on the table.

[Sidonie Raviver (D)]

His response was a surprise and I smiled widely, genuinely pleased to hear the news.
"Oh Adin," I said in a breath, happily. I reached out and touched his hand without thinking, as though nothing had passed between us.
"I'm so happy for you, congratulations, you deserve it." I continued to smile before I realized he most likely didn't want me to touch him; so I withdrew, settling my hands in my lap, encircling around my bulging stomach.

[Adin nó Alyssum]

"Thank you. It was quite the surprise, and quite the honour." For a moment, for one golden, brief moment, it was as before. But then she pulled away and left me cold again.

[Sidonie Raviver (D)]

I nodded a little as I lookd at him, unsure as to what to say next.
"I'm... I'm sure you'll do marvolous." I replied in a gentle voice. "I can speak from experience; you're a good person and a good teacher. You'll make a wonderful Dowayne one day."

[Adin nó Alyssum]

You'd think I'd be used to not having the woman I wanted by now, but it was still so hard. "Thank you," I repeated softly, her words touching something deep inside me.

[Sidonie Raviver (D)]

Such raw emotion, despite having only said two words; I opened my mouth to say more but my food arrived and I lost my thought.
"Oh thank the Gods." I breathed as the meal and drinks were laid out. The girl nodded and then left us be.
"I'm so hungry I could eat a horse." I said absently as I started with my sandwhich, bitting into it with out a care in the world and began to chew.

"Mmmm," I moaned with my mouth full, chewing away at my food with satisfaction. For a long while I just enjoyed the taste before swallowing and sighing softly.
"So good."

[Adin nó Alyssum]

I took my time doctoring my tea, for it was obvious that Sidonie was otherwise occupied. The vanilla scent was soothing, letting me relax a little in the quiet between us. My gaze went back and forth between her radiant face and the window overlooking the street. It was hard not to just stare at her and let the tears well up.

[Sidonie Raviver (D)]

I chewed for a moment, in bliss with my food, but as I looked up I saw his face dart between mine and off to the window; how disgusting I must look right now I thought.
"Forgive me," I said with my mouth still a little full, thinking after I said it how stupid I was to be talking with my mouth full. My hand came up and I held it over my mouth as I chewed, glancing between my plate where I had placed down my food, and then back up to his face.
"I'm afraid when one is this hungry, its hard to be polite." I then said once I had finished swallowing. My brows fell a little, knit in sadness at the look on his face, a look I couldn't quite puzzle out. I don't know what he was thinking, or what he felt for me, but I wanted to talk about that day, to maybe find some ending for us.

"Adin..." I started, opening my mouth to speak, but I couldn't say much more, it was like I was caught, waiting for some sort of sign, or perhaps my strength to return.

[Adin nó Alyssum]

She said my name, and that one word was drenched with pain and loneliness. I looked at her with sad eyes, not know what to say. Or if I should say anything.

[Sidonie Raviver (D)]

The way he looked at me, I swallowed, but not because I had food in my mouth, but because I felt like I was ready to cry at that look he was giving me.
I looked down, smoothing my napkin over my lap as I took a breath and then looked up at him, metaphorically swallowing my pride.

"That day... I... I said some very mean things." I shook my head a little. "I need you to understand that... that I am thirty years old, and I was in need of something more in my life. When I decided that I should make the next phase in my life a child, I hadn't even met you yet." I wasn't sure if I would make things better or worse between us, but I had to try something.
"And then... Elua," I breathed out a breath I didn't know I had been hold. "When I met you, I... I fell in love, in a way that I didn't think was even possible. But by the time I had realized how I felt about you, I had already proceeded with my plans, and I didn't even think about how you would feel about it." I shook my head a little and took another breath.
"I'm sorry that I didn't tell you sooner, about it, about my plans, but I was so driven to complete my life and have a family. I had just given up any hope of meeting any one that I could have a real family with that I became... desperate." I felt my emotions well inside me and I looked down at my hands in my lap once again, tears rising so that they tumbled over my lids and fell to dot the white napkin, making small opaque circles in the fabric. When I had came a measure of composure I looked back up at him, taking a breath to try to finish.
"I've thought of nothing but you these last months; where you are and what you've been doing, thinking about... about whether or not you'd ever forgive me. A dozen times I thought to write you, a thousand times I've fallen asleep, wondering what it would be like if I hadn't have opened my big mouth and been so cruel to you. I'm sorry Adin."

[Adin nó Alyssum]

I was holding my cup when she started to speak, and I had to replace it in the saucer before I spilled my tea or broke the delicate china. It felt as if someone was grinding pebbles of glass into my heart. "You weren't honest with me," I whispered. "You waited until I had told you how I felt about you before dropping this... cannon ball on me. Damn it Sidonie." I rarely swore, but I think I could be forgiven in this situation.

"You broke my heart."

[Sidonie Raviver (D)]

Tears flowed more freely then and I had this sinking feeling that I had simply done too much damage to repair what had been... broken. I stared down at my napkin, which I was now wringing as I fought back all my needs to break down, my heart feeling as though it was torn from my chest anew.

"I know." I breathed through my tears, feeling all the world like an idiot, sitting in the middle of a cafe, crying.
"And I'm sure that theres nothing I'll be able to do to fix it now.... I'd like to try but, but I have a feeling you don't want me to." I looked up at him then.
"How was I to know you loved me Adin, I never thought you would even care for me the way I cared for you." I shook my head, looking down again.
"I'm sorry," I bit my lower lip. "I really want to stay here, and talk to you. I'd really like to do something to make things right." I said, trying even harder not to sob.
"But I... I think that I'm about to vomit. Excuse me." And I was, the stress of the moment proved too much, the emotions so strong that an empty stomach, combined with my fragile pregnancy, and the few bites I had managed to get into me, was hurtling upward and about to make me even more of a public idiot.

With one hand pressed to my mouth, and the other pressed to my stomach, I dropped my napkin and rose as quickly as I could from the chair, and sprinted very ungracefully to the door, only to make it out into the street were I proceeded to empty the contents of my stomach on the sidewalk. Doubled over, I sunk to my knees, another wave of illness rolled through me and a second bout of bile and food poured from me, the sound of voices murmuring around me only made me cry harder at the sheer embarrassment of what was happening.

[Adin nó Alyssum]

I didn't know what to feel. I couldn't let myself hope. She had already proven to me that hope was a painful thing. I so wanted to hope though. I wasn't over her yet.

I followed her outside and knelt beside her, holding her hair up out of the way. And when it seemed her stomach had quit rebelling, I handed her my handkerchief. But my mind was spinning round. I loved her, that hadn't changed. It would never change. But could we be together after we had hurt each other so?

[Sidonie Raviver (D)]

I felt his presence at my side, his hands on my hair as he helped and then he handed me a handkerchief. I murmured my thanks and took it, wiping my mouth as I rose awkwardly, my eyes watery and my cheeks surely stained with my embarrassment as I looked at him.
"You shouldn't be here right now." I said glancing around to see that a few people had stopped.
"Its bad enough I embarrassed myself, I don't want to embarrass you too." I looked up at him, his beautiful face and how it seemed to shine with kindness. And though I knew the last thing he needed as Second of his house was gossip, and even though I said the words, I didn't feel it. All I wanted to do was fall into his arms, all I wanted was to press my body to his and have him till me that it would be alright.

"I've ruined everything haven't I?" I asked in a whisper as I blinked and the tears fell down my cheeks.
"Its my pride, it gets the better of me."

[Adin nó Alyssum]

I ignored her words encouraging me to leave, knowing that she didn't mean them. If she had, she never would have invited me to eat with her. "Sidonie," I sighed, my fingers tucking a stray piece of hair behind her ear. "I would like, very much, if you tried. I... I still love you. But I can't pretend like this will all be alright immediately. We need to work some things out."

[Sidonie Raviver (D)]

My hands went to my chest and clutched at my heart as tears began to fall over my lids.
"You still love me?" I echoed, my lips quivering as a gently smile formed and then I had to look down for a moment.
"I wanted to," I said softly and looked up at him. "I want to try, to work things out. I'm so sorry Adin, that day, I was cruel." I shook my head.
"I don't know what came over me, too many years of being alone and then the thought that I had lost you." I chewed my lower lip a bit.
"I though that my life was over; I hated myself and I took it out on you." I wanted to lean into him, to wrap my arms around him despite my growing size.
"I still love you too Adin."

[Adin nó Alyssum]

Damn it... I brought her to me, wrapping my arms around her and burying my face in her hair. I could feel the bulge of her stomach. What were we going to do? I couldn't help but remember what a mess that my last serious relationship had left me in. I wanted so hard to think that things with Sidonie would be different.

"Then we'll try alright," I whispered against her hair. "We'll try together." I couldn't walk away from her, from love. Even if she was going to leave me ever more broken than I was now.

[Sidonie Raviver (D)]

My arms wrapped tight around him, holding him to me as I buried my face into his chest and began to cry; it was almost too much, it felt like a dream, but the best sort of dream one can have. I didn't want to wake up, I didn't want this to be just one moment, I wanted Adin and I wanted him for the rest of my life.
"Thank you." I murmured against him. "Thank you Adin."

[Adin nó Alyssum]

Naamah knew that I could never stand tears. All a woman had to do was cry and I melted like butter. Not that I had much of a backbone to begin with.

"Come on, let's get you inside," I murmured. "We'll get you a cup of chamomile tea, and you can clean up in the ladies' room while it's brewing alright?"

[Sidonie Raviver (D)]

I shook my head, my hand slipping into his.
"No... I can't." I said swallowing. "I'm so embarassed right now... and exausted. I need to lay down." I looked down for a moment as I ran my hand through the loose locks of my hair then looked back up at him.
"Will you take me back to my town house?"

[Adin nó Alyssum]

"Yes, alright. I'll just go back in and settle the bill," I told her. I squeezed her hand and then let go of her to head inside. I found our server and explained that my companion wasn't feeling well, and left a tip on top of the bill for the mess outside. A few minutes and I was back for Sidonie. "All taken care of," I said, offering her my arm.