A Very Distant Cousin

[Therin Shahrizai de Leveque]

I rode my horse away from my home and toward a thatch of forest that was north of the main residents. I rather liked it there and knew that if I rode in deep enough there would be a quite stream and no one around.

I let my stead ride as hard as she wanted toward the stream. It pooled at one area and I rather liked soaking my feet in it. I fell asleep in such a manner once and when I awoke I thought my feet were going to never gain feeling due to the coldness of the stream. Thankfully they managed to righten themselves.

When we arrived I jumped off my horse and let her drink. I reigned her loosely to a tree, trusting her loyalty, and laid out on my back. I watched her drink and then roam around, holding back the painful memories that always tried to crowd in at times like these. I knew I would give in eventually, but for now I would simply enjoy watching the simple pleasures that my horse always found here.

[Asfandiyar Azarkevanejad]

Another pleasant day, though cool. I had awoken, bathed, tied the kusti fastidiously as always, and dressed in a transparently woven linen qamis shirt in the purple of cochineal shells. As I buttoned a snug blue-grey quaba jacket across my chest, I had just realized I was without a particular engagement for the day. So I adjusted the high arched collar, stepped into my riding boots, and retrieved my horse from the inn stables, resolving to ride the districts of the city.

It was time I began to educate myself about this place as though it were my home; trying to imagine it thus was a trial for I was so used to the fragrant breezes of Drujan. But in a manner of speaking, Terre D'Ange was my motherland, a great unknown track of experiences to stage the mysterious drama of my lost father's life. I had trouble visualizing myself if I had been raised with him, rather than by Darsangan magi. Would I be the creature I was now if it had been my mother that vanished? It was always in the back of my mind as I traversed the City of Elua… a murmur of promises. But I did intend to stay here for a long while. So I must come to feel kinship with the land.

I set my gelding to a smooth, leisurely jog and headed toward the residential district - a place I had yet to see. Fine townhomes rose up in my vision as we came under the wide decorative gate, and people as lovely and varied as hybrid roses clustered the streets, distracting my eyes. Navid too was perked to panting attention, slung happily over my lap. I would run him alongside my horse later on, but for now my agreeable hound was content to ride.

He sniffed the air to the north west with his long black muzzle and I followed his interest, to see broad-branched trees rising up at the end of a cobbled road. A forest, situated within the city walls. How lovely to have this small escape in one's day to day life! I turned my horse toward the trees and it wasn't long before we were covered by the dappled shade of those varied leaves.

"Ajaleh kon, Dakhan," I urged my horse, and he cantered at speed down the path, his starry rose grey flanks taut with the perfect tension of his breed. It was sweet to feel the wind in my long hair as it spread out behind me, and I wondered how I ever lived without Dakhan. We followed a wending brook away from the open path, hopping over deadfall, admiring the verdant green of the woods, until Dakhan chewed anxiously at his bit and I knew he needed a drink. We emerged into a quiet clearing as I slowed him to a walk, and his dark head with it's bright white blaze shot up as he gave a whinny. I looked about, and sure enough, there grazed a mare, who then raised her head and answered Dakhan. Navid leaped down before I, and scampered off toward a dark-haired man who was lounging at the stream-bank.

"Bebakhshid, my lord" I began apologetically, looking sheepish. I pushed a snarl of black curls out of my face, tangled and windblown fetchingly from the ride. "It seems Dakhan's interest in your mare has caused me to disturb your peace."

[Therin Shahrizai de Leveque]

I had started to drift a little when I heard the sound of a horse. I kept my eyes closed hoping it would go away, but instead it stayed and was followed by the sound of a animal running toward me. I opened my eyes to see a canine, who seemed to be one who was happy to see anyone. I was glad, at least, that it was not going to attempt to take out my throat.

I sat up, ready to hold back the dog if it was going to try and cover me with it's slober, and looked for the owner. He spoke and I saw one of the most feminine looking men I had seen, or at least I thought it was a man. I couldn't rightly be sure, but since the person wasn't supporting a large bosom I decided it was a safe assumption.

I looked toward my horse has he mentioned the animal. I stood up then, "I don't think she's in season, but I hope that we won't be attempting to pull apart some heated horses." I did not want her put out of commission due to pregnancy, though one could question the intelligence between trying to get between large mating beasts.

[Asfandiyar Azarkevanejad]

I smiled abashedly at the thought, already quite guilty for having interrupted this man's quiet reverie. "Ah, luckily Dakhan has the manners of a gentleman in these matters; regardless, he is no danger to your mare's honour." I slid deftly from my horse's back and patted his shoulder. He did look a stallion, but it was only because he had been gelded so late. I gently removed his bridle and looped it over the pommel of my Umaiyyati saddle, and had to give my parched horse a little shove to assure him he was allowed to go sate his thirst. The Umaiyyati were consummate trainers, and produced such perfectly loyal and intelligent mounts as Dakhan as a matter of course. I often wondered what a truly schooled war mare must act like if Dakhan was so obedient. He wandered off calmly toward the mare to exchange scent.

Navid was grinning his doggy grin, and did a few circles around the young man as he rose, but galloped back to my side as I moved across the grass. I was happy to see that his puppyish inclination toward excitability was mellowing into a more placidly magnanimous mien.

As I approached, I pressed my spidery white hand to my chest and gave a graceful bow. "My name is Asfandiyar Azarkevanejad," I began, my indigo eyes meeting the man's. "I am fairly new to your city and I must again apologize for breaking your solitude. I am just beginning to find my way around the city, and tend to bump into its residents at inconvenient moments."

[Therin Shahrizai de Leveque]

I watched in silence, though of some interest as he took his horse to drink. He then came over to make his greeting. "My name is Therin Shahrizai de Leveque," I told him. I nodded slightly in acceptance of his apology and then said, "I do not recognize the location of your name, where do you hail from?"

[Asfandiyar Azarkevanejad]

"The city of Darsanga, in Drujan," I replied, hoping that whatever tales of my people that had reached his ears would not colour our interaction today. I smiled warmly in case he needed reassurance that all Drujani were not criminal sadists. "Well met, Aghaye Therin."

But wait. His family name was Shahrizai. A little rash of goosebumps went up my forearms, beneath my jacket sleeves. He was the first of my father's family that I had encountered thus far, and suddenly I wasn’t quite sure how to act.

"It surely must have been fated that I interrupt you today, my lord," I said, eyes downturned for a moment before flicking back to his. "For I have travelled this great distance… largely in search of Shahrizai." I searched his face for resemblance, for some sort of mirror of my unknown father.

[Therin Shahrizai de Leveque]

I was a little surprised to hear of his origin but even more surprised to hear of his interest in my clan. Thankfully I have a knack for hiding my thoughts and I did so here.

"That is interesting," I said, as if it was an everyday occurance, "why have you been searching for us?"

[Asfandiyar Azarkevanejad]

I took a deep breath, the words I had come hundreds of leagues to speak. "Because I am one of you." I seemed to sigh the words, relief lapping over me at having found one of my lineage. But a new anxiety was prickling up. Now my other life must begin. The other self that shadowed me scratched at the back of my brain as though digging.

"My father, who I never knew, was - perhaps still is - one of your kin. My mother, peace on her scarred soul, told me he came from Terre D'Ange, saved her from death, and stayed with her a number of years before vanishing back to his homeland. He never contacted her thereafter, and never knew he left a son in her womb."

Sensing my emotions, Navid wandered to my side and delicately pressed the tip of his tongue against my fingertips. I stroked his fine head and straightened my shoulders, attempting to maintain a neutral expression.

"And so I left my homeland and journeyed here alone, to learn of this mysterious blood that has always run through my veins. Perhaps even to find my immediate kin and come to know them."

[Therin Shahrizai de Leveque]

I didn't really have any expectations to his answer, but the one he gave me would probably not have been on that list if there had been one. I looked him over a little closer then, his hair was unmistakably from our lines, at least in color. I have always been very loyal to my kin, even those who are not full blood. If one of ours was lost than he should be brought home, though I knew that some of my kin may not feel the same.

"What do you know of your father?" I asked. "Both of my parents have Shahrizai blood lines and have many connections."

[Asfandiyar Azarkevanejad]

"Absolutely nothing," I replied with a sigh, one which was tinged with both regret, and relief at his reaction. To be spurned now… ah, it would have torn me.

"Nothing, at least, that is sure. My mother… well. She lived a very difficult life before my father came to her. She was addled from it. The things she said were rarely reliable, when they were intelligible."

I couldn’t outright tell him just exactly how damaged her mind really was. To intimate that I might have arisen from truly insane stock could colour Therin's trust in the veracity of my tale. But lying to him would be just as terrible.

"The little I know of him comes from the lips of my neighbours and other loved ones, who knew my father while he remained with her. They said he was noble of carriage, somewhat grave. They said he acted much as though he had been a lost knight looking for a quest, when he found my mother. It was not much for him to choose her as his damsel to rescue… she presented him with an opportunity to save her very life their first day of meeting." I petted Navid idly as I reran these hazy thoughts. It was strange to hear them outside my head… I did not often speak of these things with others.

"My neighbours verified what my mother said of him, that he was from distant Terre D'Ange, and that his name was Shahrizai." I must admit, I had always found the name so romantic. A little like something from 'The Thousand And One Nights' of the Umayatti. The thought brought a soft smile to the corner of my mouth. "They described him as tall, though that means little coming from my people, to whom I am a virtual giant. Though they never made him out to approach my height. They said his hair was straight and shining black, and that his eyes were the blue of the clear dusk sky… Brighter than mine, but darker than yours, Aghaye Therin."

Looking him over, I had the immediate thought that these family traits must be rather common amongst the Shahrizai. I was a little cowed that such strong and specific features would not help me identify my father. A sick sensation passed over me at the thought that I might be as lost in this foreign land as I had always been in the land of my birth. Doomed never to find where I belonged.

"They did say he sometimes behaved as a man pursued. That he would never speak of his homeland except to explain the origin of his own name. But many strangers came from far away places when my homeland was opened after the Deposition. So he could have come there for any number of reasons. He did, however, make haste to return to Terre D'Ange. No one knows why he went back. But he left my mother with barely a word about it."

[Therin Shahrizai de Leveque]

I listened to his story without interuption. Riding into a forriegn country and being swept away by love sounded just like something a d'Angeline would do. I was not that surprised to hear left as quickly.

"Do you know the years in which in showed up and left? If he did leave due to trouble but was allowed back then that is something to go off of."

[Asfandiyar Azarkevanejad]

"He was with my mother for two years before my conception. As I am now roughly twenty-two or -three, he would have arrived in Darsanga twenty five years ago." I paused, looking slightly sheepish. "Ah… I know it may seem odd that my age is in question. But as I said, my mother… her memory was tainted along with her wits. She never could recall precisely when I had been born." I tangled a curl around my fingers embarrassedly as I admitted this information, a terse chuckle in my throat.

I did love my mother. But it is true she was never much of one. I had always thought of her as less of a parent and more like my own child. But she had always been sweet, generous, demure, and absolutely beautiful; a perfect lady, when not absorbed in all-encompassing reverie or taken by her dark fits. I often wondered what she was like before, or who she could have been were it not that my grandfather made her mad.

"My father left before she was aware that I was growing within her. And never spoke of why he came in the first place, as though to avoid thoughts of Terre D'Ange completely. I know not how he came to be that way. But I often wonder whether he was in the midst of dire circumstances. Perhaps, if he yet lives, he still is; perhaps I could give some kind of aid."

[Therin Shahrizai de Leveque]

"Even if we don't have the exact years, I think that information is close enough. Some of the older members of the family would know of a person that fits. Especially if he did, indeed, come back to Terre d'Ange. Though, I would hope, that by now he has had some conclusion to his troubles." I then thought of my own recent past, one of which I would have no conclusion.

I brooded on it for a few moments, absently watching Asfandiyar's canine. I had left the home I had grown up in, though it had been on my father's bidding and not mine. I looked back at him and said, "perhaps a death drove him out."

[Asfandiyar Azarkevanejad]

I had a rush of warmth when it hit me - this might be leading to the culmination of a mystery that had hovered just over me all my life. It was almost absurd to think on it thus. I had become so accustomed to the version of my life that I knew.

"If you think you know of anyone who may have heard of him, I would be forever indebted to you for your aid. I am yet a stranger in this city and would have no conception of how to go about seeking such information. I know virtually no one here," I scratched behind Navid's ear absently - my boon companion. "And as you know, am cut off from your… our… family." It felt so strange to say it. Though it was true that I had never really had one.

"I should very much like to meet the Shahrizai. I believe I have made a particularly fine start with you, Aghaye Therin. Do you think it would be a possibility to introduce myself?"

[Therin Shahrizai de Leveque]

I had not heard of such a story myself but I knew a good place to start.

"Would you want to follow me back to my father's townhouse? My mother is probably there and she seems to enjoy staying on top of the gossip. She would probably have an idea if anyone does. If not her, maybe my father."

[Asfandiyar Azarkevanejad]

My heart tripped at the invitation. Not only might I learn something about my blood, but would be afforded the chance to make the acquaintance of my clansmen. Perhaps even make a favourable impression upon them. To think, only a relative handful of days before now, I was unthrist, nameless but for those titles bestowed upon me in my old life. Now, I felt prodigal, beginning my return to a nest I had never known.

"Yes, I would be honoured to meet your esteemed parents," I said to Therin, unable to quash the hope in my voice. "If you are certain I am not imposing upon them, of course."

[Therin Shahrizai de Leveque]

I heard the hope in his voice and I wondered if I could really help him. It seemed strange that I didn't know of such a story myself. I wasn't as well versed as my mother in Shahrizai gossip as my mother, but it seemed like a story that would get around.

"My mother would probably enjoy the company," I said. "My father has been in and out a lot lately, so not sure if he'll be home." I walked toward my horse, gathering her reins and leading her in the direction we would take to leave and go toward my house. I paused before mounting and said, "I should warn you though, don't tell my mom anything you don't want everyone else knowing. I am sure she will find you a bit of a curiosity."

The only good thing about my mom's wagging tongue is that if word does get around it might find Fands father, who would hopefully want to meet his long lost son.

[Asfandiyar Azarkevanejad]

I followed Therin's example and went to Dakhan's side, gently giving him the bit before replacing his bridle. With an easy motion I was up on his back, and looped the reins through my hands. Navid bounded alongside, and I thought it might do him good to get a run while we rode back to Therin's family home.

I gave a small laugh at his comment, and Dakhan jostled with a squeak of the saddle. "She would not be the first, refigh; But I am well immured to gossip. It is not something of which I am proud, but I have spent my life in my country as a person of some renown." I grinned sidelong at him, a touch sardonic. "Perhaps that information will fall sweetly upon your Mother's ears? It would please me to impress her somehow."

[Therin Shahrizai de Leveque]

When I had the horse away from the trees I prepared and settled on top of her back. I then looked toward Asfandiyar when I was ready. I returned his smile at his comment, "my mother would probably find it rather impressive to find herself in the company of someone with some status." I had a thought and chuckled shortly before adding, "she has been complaining of a lack of companionship here, if you impress her to much she might try to friend you."

[Asfandiyar Azarkevanejad]

I admired the fluid movement of his well-made body as he got up into the saddle. Only people with a certain combination of grace and kindness could so easily and considerately settle astride a horse. I found most people far too rough with them, little respecting the countless thousands of years of companionship the species had granted us. Even some of the Umaiyyati were too curt with their mounts for my taste. But Therin was clearly a more composed sort, and it was too soon to pronounce him precisely gentle.

I grinned back at him as he brought his mare about. "To be frank, I would not repel her attentions. I know few enough people in the City of Elua as to make any offer of friendship quite welcome. Of course, any woman who has given rise to such a man as yourself is certain to be a fine lady, and I should probably wish to beg for her praise, once I have come to know her." I smiled sweetly and touched Dakhan with my heels. "Besides, I find I have liked all of the D'Angelines I have met so far, and therefore maintain high expectations."

We rode side by side for a moment, under the dappled sunlight, and I watched Navid trot along the path in front of us, casting a smiling canine glance back from time to time to make certain we followed. "Is every day in Terre D'Ange so lovely?" I wondered aloud. "I am quite unable to stay in my room for any length of time. And yet I keep wandering into such fated meetings as this. I'm continually reminded of the machinations of destiny. But what is it that brought you out this afternoon, Aghaye Therin?

[Therin Shahrizai de Leveque]

"Terre d'Ange is blessed," I told him, "the land of Kushiel is also just as lovely. The Shahrizai family originates from there though many of us have townhouses in the city of Eula."

I had not realized how much the man distracted me until he asked me about myself. I did not answer him right away. He had told me his story. Though part of me was unsure about revealing that which affected me the most I decided to sa the truth. "I like to come out here to get away from everyone," I said, looking forward and not at him. "I lost my best friend to the damned plague and I am still quite sore about it."

I then glanced over at him briefly, to see if he would have any reaction to my answer. It supposed it made me sound like a whiny child, but I could not help myself.

[Asfandiyar Azarkevanejad]

I found I couldn't imagine the land of Yazata Kushiel, motherland of half my blood. Certainly, there was always a fantasy of one's perfect home; mine was a cool and vast place inspired by the northern mountains of Drujan, not at all like the stifling heat and closed walls of Darsanga. My thoughts invoked it now - severe cliffs always in view, a vast ocean blowing salt-fresh air, green moors cleaved by cold rivers, stretching toward sunset; a place to run my horse at speed, to be high above the crashing ocean, just a small speck that no one would notice.

"I would like to see that land someday," I said. "It would be nice to know the wellspring from which this Shahrizai blood runs. Men are molded by their homelands. Centuries of adaptation must leave their mark." 'I wonder if it has offhandedly marked me?' I thought, swaying with my horse's slow and even gait.

I looked at him when he said he enjoyed his time alone. Hm, perhaps we were alike in more ways than our lineage. But… such a tragedy. I was stilled for a moment.

"I… my deepest condolences, Aghaye Therin." I made a concerned expression, suddenly understanding the grave grace of this man. I was no stranger to tragedy. One can always sense it somehow, even unwittingly as I had, lingering like a scent on those who have suffered. "I do hope I have not intruded upon your meditations of this friend. Grieving is… well. Sacred. To trifle with it is to do great damage."

[Therin Shahrizai de Leveque]

I could not help but a small bitter laugh at his apology. My parents had not seen my morning as sacred, mostly as an annoyance for it interfering with their plans. Or at least that is how my father saw it. My mother was happy enough to stay out of the way. I think she had given up on trying to figure out my moods long ago.

"Sacred," I said, tasting the word. I thought then to my visits to the Temple of Kushiel, of the fire caused by the whip. I had found a strange solstice in it, though unlike some of my family, I did not find pleasure in receiving pain. I then asked, "how much do you know of the Shahrizai lineage?" Our family's blood ran as a strange and dark river, beautiful to look at though not everyone dared to take a dip in it's cold water.

[Asfandiyar Azarkevanejad]

His laugh betrayed his jaded view on the point of grief. It was easy to become so, if no one around understood. I felt he must have been ill-heeded through his ordeal, to have such an acrid tone.

It brought up old hurt and sympathy in me to think no one had been there for him. I knew all too well the damage that kind of isolation could wreak. But I was not amenable to cheapening his honesty with my own comparators. I gave out only my companionable energy and, possibly, some sense that I understood the gravity of it.

He seemed indisposed to maintaining the subject anyway. I had to answer honestly, for I didn't even have the slightest rumour to go by with regards to my family. "Again, absolutely nothing," I replied, an abashed chuckle woven into the end of the admission. I transferred the reins to one hand and pushed my hair back off my face, turning my eyes into the sunlight. "I didn’t even know there was a Shahrizai homeland. Nor that there are many. I should like to know more. What can you tell me, Aghaye Therin? ...Is there anything I should be warned about?" At this I gave him a sly grin and raised an eyebrow curiously.

[Therin Shahrizai de Leveque]

I laughed again at his last question, though this time without the bitterness. It was strange, though not in a bad way, to speak to someone who didn't have a view of our family.

"Well," I said, "If you asked a person on the street he would probably say that we are a cold people who are not to be trifled with. We enjoy nothing better than to weave our webs of pain." I paused for a moment to let that sink and then said, "which is of course only partially true. We do have a strong heritage and don't take kindly to those who would dishonor us. We also tend to enjoy dominance and playing with pain, but only to willing companions. At least most of us." I looked over to him, I was not sure how the subject of sex was in his culture. I was not shy about it so I said, "though there are a few who don't enjoy such things, but in this family, they are very few." I also started to wonder where he stood on that subject, but decided not to ask him at this time.

[Asfandiyar Azarkevanejad]

I pursed my brow slightly and turned my face to look at him again as he spoke. Playing with pain. The thought made me shiver deliciously, and I had to choke down that urge in me to admit aloud the black stain that marred my soul. Therin would surely think less of me for it.

But I had to wonder then… Could it be that my blood had somewhat to do with my needs, my means to purity? It was never a game for me, though. It was ritual, sacred and profound. Yet I did not find myself repulsed by the thought of these 'games'. In fact it was all I could do to stem the wave of curiosity that swept me.

Gratefully, Dakhan felt my conflicted tension through the saddle and sidestepped with a toss of his head, bringing me back to focus. It was too easy for me to become lost in thought.

"The Shahrizai sound… somewhat dangerous, by your description," I said, easing Dakhan back into his place beside Therin's mare. "Like proud predators, of a sort." I paused for a moment, debating whether or not I should offer any such information about myself as he had. But in the end, what did I have to lose by admitting it? There was a wellspring from which I derived. Perhaps I was only pursuing the urgings of this blood in my veins.

"I… I admit to a certain familiarity with the rites of pain," I finally muttered, blushing slightly and turning my eyes down to inspect the braided leather reins that I toyed with embarrassedly. I was not really prepared to speak of this in full detail. It was not the same for him and the other Shahrizai as it was for me, I could tell that immediately; not to mention my shame. But I never was able to lie or obfuscate the truth. "My people do not understand or encourage such things. It's strange to be amongst people who accept so many forms of congress. The Drujani are not exactly suppressed, since our prophet injured us to be free as long as we act out of pure intent. But such… games of pain… are not well looked on. They are considered to be taboo, ill deeds, since the Mahrkagir's rule." I glanced up at him sidelong for an instant, wondering if my own inner conflict regarding the subject was plain in my voice and mien. I certainly felt as though begging sanction from one more learned than I. And yet, I could not let go the ingrained sense of revulsion I had whenever I even considered accepting my own nature.

[Therin Shahrizai de Leveque]

I looked at 'Fand as he told me of his plight with his feelings amongst his people. I had of course heard the stories of the Mahrkagir, most d'Angelines had and probably every Shahrizai.

"There is an important difference between the Mahrkagir and the Shahrizai," I said, "we only take on willing partners who want those attentions, it is not forced." I studied him for a moment, he had not really said which side he enjoyed, though rites of pain sounded more like the one on the end of the lash. "While most enjoy being the dominate there are those who like to play on both sides. Its just a matter of personal preference." I was not sure how long he had been in Terre d'Ange or how much he knew so I added, "just remember, love as thou will."

[Asfandiyar Azarkevanejad]

"Ah, so your people are aware of our histories," I said. "Sometimes my people wonder that we are judged by the acts of that sadistic despot, in the outside world. Drujan has only been open to foreigners for a couple of generations, so the rest of our story hasn't had time enough to disseminate. But everyone knows about the Mahrkagir. On the caravan, people like myself are treated… well. There are those who see past the tales… they protected me from it, thankfully."

"To love as one wills…" I muttered wistfully, looking off down the distance of the path into my own reveries. "To be able to choose. To be willing and have a preference and power over one's own decisions. My people's prophet, Zarathusht, said in essence to love as thou wilt, but gave the proviso that all must be done in pure spirit. I fear… it is not so simple. The consequences can be grave. Particularily for those driven by ambiguous forces. Druj - the Lie of evil - lurks in the strangest places. I and all of my people try to be vigilant in the watch for it. But for some it is more difficult than others." I looked down, brow pursing with frustration for the weight of the gods' will. To be in this land where so much was accepted, but unable to put down that load regardless… I hoped coming here had indeed been a good idea. This Will of my body towards sin. Would it only become heavier in this place?

[Therin Shahrizai de Leveque]

I listened as he spoke, he was right in that most of the tales of Drujan involve the experiences that Phedre had there with the poor Prince. It would be difficult for him here, I thought, not because of his background and the stories, but because the evil he spoke of was everywhere, especially among this family.

I didn't speak for a moment, wondering at the correct response. "Did your prophet come before or after the evil rule of the evil Drujan," I thought for a moment, trying to think of the right word. It did not come so I said, "ruler?"

[Asfandiyar Azarkevanejad]

"Long before. It was Zarathusht who brought the ancient Drujani people, the Persians whom I physically take after, out of the blood-sacrifice, tribal warfare and fractured worship of the old gods, the Yazatas." I paused, thinking of how to frame the way my people had come to think of that heretic ruler. "In a way, the Mahrkagir was trying to return my people to an old way of life. Mind you, a twisted, evil version. His belief was that all life stemmed from chaos and death… which is true. But to enact chaos and death in order to hold power over life… absurd. Not only the atrocities he committed made him an apostate king, but also his hubris; that any mortal man could think to be capable of wielding a god's powers, whether gentle Ahura Mazda's or fearsome Angra Mainyu's, is an unforgiveable sin of pride."

I thought then of my grandfather, how he sinned in precisely the same way by taking lives, leaving lives in ruin, subsuming lives through his dark magic. He had been in league with the Mahrkagir, believing the same things. To actually believe that torture and death were in his purview, his choice… it gave me a shiver. I did not want to think about the things he had done to my mother. It was bad enough to know that he had murdered my uncle, his own first son, by flaying him alive, and sacrificed his own wife on the altar of Angra Mainyu. I wished my mother had never let slip these things. But I could not be angry at her for blindly raving in her sickened state. At least she was at peace now.

All that was left of my grandfather burned like a kernel of blackness within me. I did not want these powers. I did not want to know the deepest sins of man. I wondered how I had once justified and lived with it, touching all those people that way… reaching inside them with profane alter-limbs, seeing their darkest hearts like some voyeur. I shuddered a little at the memory of that evil contact, and at the arousal it gave. But I supposed it was what had bought my way to this country… bought my way to a kind of liberty, if not freedom. I would never have to use it again, here.

I shook off those thoughts and looked at Therin. "It must be reassuring to feel the hand of a peaceful ruler over your people… To know that her line itself is renowned for goodly rule. To not always live in fear that some zealot will cause your land to be subsumed in unholy terror and carnage. My people still hold that old fear, generations later. It is a mark on us, like a visible scar."