Escaping

[Malabelle Shahrizai]

It was growing dark by the time I sank to my knees next to Dominic’s grave. I knew he wasn’t here, but I didn’t know where he really was and this was as close as I could get.

The time since I’d fled the house was a blur of memory. Pounding through the streets and then through the gates, leaving the city. I’d given my mare her head and let her run until she’s drawn herself up. The wind and her mane had lashed my face raw, stripping away my tears before they could really fall. Slowly we’d made our way back to the city.

Once through the gates, she’d stopped at the turn that would have taken us home, seemingly reading my pain.

“No,” I whispered, turning her head away and down another street. “Not there.”

We wandered for awhile, with me paying no real attention to where we were or who we were passing. I roused though when the normal din of the city seemed to fall away and I realized we were in the temple district. My gaze went to the indistinct shape of Kushiel’s Sanctuary, but I felt no draw. Gazing upon all the temples, all I felt was abandoned.

I was about to turn us back when my gaze fell on the cemetery and I felt the pull. I sobbed softly, knowing what was drawing me there. I slid from the saddle and led my mare inside. When we neared where he’d been buried, I dropped the reins and went on alone.

Now I was here, gazing at the nearly bare marker that I had once thought was all that lingered of my brother. I didn’t know where he was or if he was still alive. I did know that for all the horrible things he had done to me in my life, he was the only family I’d had for as long as I could remember.

“I miss you,” I whispered, sobbing. I laid my hand on the marker, my finger tracing the rough edges of his name carved into the stone.

By the time I rose, darkness had fallen. I made my way back to my mare by the soft sounds she made. I led her out again and turned us towards the temples. Slowly we made our way to Elua’s temple. I handed her to a young stable lad, pressing my face to her neck for a moment and she nickered softly. “Take good care of her,” I whispered to the lad, who nodded and led her off.

I entered the temple and was greeted by a priest garbed in blue robes. It was the same priest who had counseled me before, the one who had told me that love could heal me if I let it. Had I not remembered how true his words had felt at the time, I would have hated him for lying to me.

“Kushiel’s child,” he said in his serene voice, inclining his head slightly.

“Elua’s priest,” I replied, bowing my head deeply, beginning to cry again as I did. “I seek shelter.” I lifted my head and met his surprised gaze. “Please,” I whispered.

He held my gaze for a moment then inclined his head again. “Be welcome and find peace,” he said, motioning me inside. An acolyte took my shoes and I made an offering to Elua. Then I was led to an inner chamber where another acolyte helped me bathe and wrapped a soft white robe around me. She tended the angry, festering wound on my hand before showing me to the bed. I lay down and she drew the covers over me, smiling peaceful as she leaned in and kissed my forehead.

I was asleep before her lips left my forehead, exhaustion and my surroundings keeping dreams at bay.

[Malabelle Shahrizai]

Dawn was just beginning to wash night from the sky when I woke. Sitting up, I tightened the robe around me as it had loosened while I slept. Then I rose and slipped from the room and out into the open temple. I stood on the edge of the grassy area, the grass grown dormant, and stared across at the effigy of Elua.

“Do you wish to speak of it?” came the soft voice of the priest beside me.

“I don’t know that there is anything left to say,” I answered, not looking at him. “Love didn’t heal me. Love has made me scared and desperate not to lose that which I love. Love has ripped my soul apart and no matter how I try, no matter what I do, love cannot bring happiness.”

“Love does not assure happiness,” he said in a calm voice.

“The man I love has born a child with another woman,” I told him. “We had a fight as a result of me having to deal with my brother raping me and during the short time we were apart he made a contract with a patron to get her pregnant. The child was born two days ago and already he’s drifting away from me. He loves that child so much. Never has anything I’ve done brought the look to his eyes that was there when he came home from the birthing. Even were I to give him a child, it wouldn’t change how much he loves his first child.”

“Your man sounds as if he has enough love for many people,’ the priest said. “Love is not is not a limited resource. Love is like a hole, it only grows the more that is taken out.”

My eyes swept closed and tears rolled down my cheeks. “If only that were true,” I whispered, my voice shaky. “I’ve only loved two people, one who raped me and the one who has a child with another woman.” My legs gave out and I began to sob as I crumpled to the ground. The priest knelt beside me and I felt his arm go around me. I pressed my face to his shoulder, my tears wetting his robe.

“Ah, Kushiel’s child,” he murmured, his hand stroking my hair. “Listen to your heart, to what it tells you. Do not listen to the fear nor to your past. Your lover is not your brother, do not judge him by the same standard.”

“He’s going to leave me,” I sobbed. “He swore he wasn’t going to, but it will happen. I am not fit to be loved and he will see it. He will leave me.”

“Everyone is worthy of love. You found it in yourself to love the brother who violated you, are you so much worse than that that you believe you cannot be loved?” he asked. “Everyone is worthy of love.”

I cried until my tears were gone and then I took a tremulous breath. “You may stay if you wish,” he said. “But I would counsel you to go home, to your love.” He placed a soft kiss on my forehead and then rose, slipping away.

After a time, I rose as well. The sky was now a rosy shade of pink. I returned to the chamber and dressed again in the garments I’d worn yesterday, though during the night they’d been cleaned and pressed. Taking the pouch, I left it on the side table and then went out to the stables. I waited as my mare was saddled and then I swung astride her once more.

We headed out the gates and headed home through the city that was just stirring.