An Awkward Meeting - Guy and Sandrine

[Sandrine nó Orchis]

I had been rather flush with patrons lately. If I had been using my money wisely, I might have completed my marque now. However, in my urgency to save for my trip, I had been putting quite a bit of my patron gifts aside. I wanted to be able to leave before Faolan did. Otherwise I would have to chase her across the sea.

Denis de Rouille was new to me. He was young, but he lived in the North Borough, so I knew he had plenty of money. It gave me pause to wonder how he had made so much money so quickly, but then it was not my place to think on such things.

After signing my contract at Orchis, we rode in the carriage together, back to his home. I wore a dress that was form-fitting across the bodice, fanning out at my hips into a full dress. It was new and custom-made, in a customary bright color, and it fit me like a glove. Unlike most patrons, Denis didn't move to touch me in the carriage, instead holding my hand, gently stroking it with his thumb. He explained that his wife was out of town, and his daughter hadn't been feeling well, so he needed some laughter.

He had come to the right person.

The house was gorgeous, tastefully done in rich fabrics and wood. I tried not to gawk. As soon as we entered one of Denis' servants approached and whispered something to him. I watched his eyes widen, and then he told me he would be right back before he ran into the inside of the house. I was left alone in the drawing room.

Having nothing better to do, I approached a mirror, appraising myself. Chuckling, I tucked a stray curl back into the hair that was piled atop my head. They would never stay in one place, no matter what I did.

[Guy de Layne]

Rochelle was still under the weather, and I had been reading to her from some horrible 'romantic' novel. It wasn't in my job description, but I found that even though the girl could be empty-headed at times, I liked her well enough, and I felt badly for her. Her parents were too busy with their own lives to pay much attention to her, and I could see that under her shopping trips, trashy novels, and silly attitude was a very sad, very sweet young woman. So, I read to her, and now I was headed down to the kitchen to get her a snack.

I was passing through the downstairs hallway, when I thought I saw movement in the drawing room. Frowning slightly, I paused and peered in through the drawing room door. For a moment I thought I was dreaming. I could hardly mistake those unruly curls, that dark skin ... Sandrine? What would she be doing here? And looking so amazingly beautiful in a dress that fit her like it was made for her; had she come to see me? My heart leapt at the thought, even though I knew it probably wasn't the wisest thing.

I had a moment of panic, wondering what to do or say. Before I could really think on it, our eyes met through the mirror, and I was mesmerized. I smiled, wanting her to know I was happy to see her ... and then I felt a presence behind me and Monsieur de Rouille cleared his throat.

"Excuse me, Guy, I don't want to keep the lovely young lady waiting." Automatically, I stepped to the side, allowing Monsier de Rouille to step into the drawing room. He looked at me and winked, saying, "I want to make certain I get my money's worth." And the door shut with a resounding thud, even as I felt my heart go to lead and my stomach twist painfully.

[Sandrine nó Orchis]

I was too slow to turn around when I heard the footfall behind me. But then, I didn't have to. I could see who it was in the mirror.

For an instant, I forgot why I was there. A huge smile crossed my face, matched only by his own. I opened my mouth to say something, started to turn and look at him, to walk over to him, to tell him how much I had missed him...

"Excuse me, Guy, I don't want to keep the lovely young lady waiting."

I turned then, to see Denis there behind Guy, and everything came rushing back.

I knew that being a Servant of Naamah was a sacred task, and that I was fulfilling one of Terre d'Ange's most sacred tenets. But yet, when I heard Denis say that he wanted to get his money's worth, my smile faltered and I trembled slightly, tears welling in my eyes. Guy knew that I lived in Orchis House. He knew that this was how I made my living. Still, I had never wanted him to see me like this, knowing clearly what I was about to do.

It was the first and only time that I had ever been ashamed of what I was.

Did Guy know how badly I wanted him? How I ached for a touch that would never come? At least I had some sort of release.

Guy had none.

"Did the Cassiline scare you, little bird?" Denis asked as he closed the door with a thud, causing me to jump. "I'm sorry. He's only here to protect the house." Quickly he crossed the room to stand in front of me, to cup my face in his hands.

I cleared my throat, aware that I was shaking slightly, and smiled as best I could. How dare he distill Guy down to such a level? Guy was more than just a Cassiline "No, Denis, I was just startled, that's all." I took one of his hands in mine, training taking over my actions. "Would you like to play a game first?"

Denis smiled. "Maybe later."

He was an inventive lover, trying different positions with speed and skill. Though I did not make the same mistake, calling out Guy's name, I could not focus on the task at hand. I kept seeing Guy's face. It was almost as if I had hurt him myself, and the pain had been written all over his face. I compensated for my lack of interest by being overloud, which thankfully Denis seemed to enjoy.

After a few hours, Denis finally tired, holding me tightly in his arms. I couldn't sleep at all. With difficulty, I disengaged myself from his grasp and grabbed his shirt, buttoning it around myself. It reached mid-thigh, almost like a dress.

"Where are you going, little bird?"

I froze. "To get a glass of water."

"My servants can get that," Denis said, beckoning to me.

"I...I'd rather get it myself."

Too sleepy to protest, he nodded and rolled over.

I padded quietly through the halls, looking in each room. It was possibly the worst idea I had ever had, but I had to say something, had to tell Guy that I was sorry.

Sorry for what?

[Guy de Layne]

I managed to get to the kitchen, give the cook instructions for Rochelle's snack, and have someone else ready to deliver it without falling apart, though by the odd looks people kept giving me, I wasn't doing very well.

When I finally made it to my room, I sank to my knees in front of the large bay window, where I liked to pray. I wasn't praying now though, I was trying to find some sort of peace with all of the emotions that were threatening to tear me apart. I had been so happy to see Sandrine, it never occurred to me that she wasn't there for me. And Denis... she was lying with him right now, he was touching her the way I ached to touch her, the way I never could; it was maddening. The very thought of it caused a rage inside of me that was both satisfying and terrifying at the same time, I wanted to strangle Denis with my bare hands.

And yet ... Sandrine was a Servant of Naamah. I knew some Cassilines looked down on the occupation, but I never had. I hadn't thought less of her for it, or even thought much about it at all, really. But seeing it with my own eyes was something else entirely. Knowing that a pompous windbag like Denis de Rouille would have his hands all over her; it was more than I could bear. As if I had a choice.

I reached up to brush wetness from my cheek. Tears? I hadn't shed a tear in ... I didn't even remember when. I had to get past this infatuation I had with Sandrine. It was unnatural, ridiculous, foolish beyond compare, and it had to stop. I would have to keep my distance from her, it was as simple as that. If the dreams hadn't been enough to strengthen my resolve, this had to be.

[Sandrine nó Orchis]

Would this house ever end? It seemed like I would never find Guy. Maybe it was better that way, I couldn't really tell. Every time a servant passed, I flattened myself against the wall. Luckily the house was dark enough that no one noticed me. Natural camouflage, I supposed.

And then I poked my head in a door and stopped.

Guy was kneeling silently in front of a window. The moonlight shone down upon him, framing him in silver.

He was so beautiful, even with his back to me. I hesitated, not sure if I should interrupt him, but just like always I couldn't stop myself. I slipped inside the door, padding on silent feet over to him.

I stopped in the middle of the room, unsure of what to do, how to say what I felt. And then I decided that all that didn't matter, and I crossed the room in an instant, wrapping my arms around his neck gently.

"I'm sorry," I whispered into his hair. "Truly, I am..."

[Guy de Layne]

I heard the sound behind me and for once didn't automatically tense. I don't know how I knew, but I sensed it was Sandrine behind me, hearing the soft padding of her feet across the hardwood floor, feeling her arms around my neck. Cassiel, give me strength, I prayed, her whisper against my hair melting my resolve in an instant.

"You've nothing to be sorry for." I said, my voice hoarse with emotion. Gods, her touch was magnificent, and if this was all I ever had, I would find a way to make it last me through every empty night hereafter. I let my hands drift up to touch hers, to wrap around her arms as if I could hold them against me for all time.

I knew what I had to do, but could I? Untangling my arms from hers, I rose but kept my face toward the window. I couldn't look at her, fresh from Denis's bed, and was it a conceit to think that it was hurting her the way it was hurting me? I looked out at the silent street below us while I forced myself to say the words.

"It's best if we don't see each other anymore, Sandrine. I know I said we could be friends, but I don't think it's fair to either of us."

There, the words were said. I felt like my chest was full of lead and even as the words left my mouth, I wanted them back. But no, there was no going back now.

[Sandrine nó Orchis]

I sighed softly when he returned my touch. Thank Elua he wasn't mad at me.

And then he stood and said words that I couldn't really understand. It didn't make sense to me, and tears sprang to my eyes as I turned his statement over in my mind.

I clenched my fists at my side, nails cutting half moons into my palms. I wanted to scream then, shriek that he was wrong, so wrong.

Instead I trembled slightly.

"Fair?" I echoed, my voice shaking in the quiet room. "Who are you to decide what is fair for me, Guy de Layne? You...you're a Cassiline. You are used to denying yourself things." I took a deep breath, trying to calm myself and failing. "I'm not as strong as you, Guy. I don't know how to stop myself from thinking about you." A sob escaped my throat, but I kept going. "I can't keep myself from calling your name at night, I can't erase your touch from my memory, I can't..."

I started walking toward him, one foot in front of the other, unable to stop the inevitable. "But maybe you can. So before you tell me we can't see each other, teach me how, Guy. Teach me what it is you do to stop these feelings." I stood right behind him now, so close I could touch him.

"Tell me how to..." I trailed off, because I couldn't say what I wanted to say.

Tell me how to stop loving you...

[Guy de Layne]

I suppose I might have expected it, but then again, I had never been in a situation even remotely similar to this one in my entire life. The words that spilled forth from Sandrine's lips were a mixture of pain and anger, my feelings brought to life by her words.

"Used to denying myself things?" I said, a mirthless laugh escaping my lips. "I've never felt denied anything a day in my life until I met you. Tell you how to stop these feelings? As easy to tell you how to pluck stars from the sky or stop the ocean tide." My words were coming more harshly than I'd intended, I was trembling at her closeness and it came to me that I was actually afraid of her.

I turned around to look at her, knowing even as I did so that it was a mistake. She was so close to me that I could feel her breath against my chest. I don't know what came over me then - insanity? I grabbed her shoulders and pulled her close to me, pressed my lips against hers and threw every bit of pain, frustration, and anger into a kiss that would have to last both of us a lifetime. My hands gripped her arms tightly, and there was nothing sweet or sensual about this kiss; it was raw, it was powerful, it was real.

When it was over, I pulled away from her, stared down into her eyes, wet with tears. "I don't have any answers for you, Sandrine, I only know that this is too much for me to bear."

[Sandrine nó Orchis]

I almost took a step back as he started speaking. There was only one thing that made this situation better and I slowly realized it. He cared for me as much as I cared for him, if not more.

And then he turned and looked at me, and the intensity I saw in his eyes caused me to tremble with longing.

When he kissed me, I stopped thinking, unable to resist the powerful wave of emotion that washed over me. Of course I kissed him back. How could I not? If only he wasn't holding me back at the same time, if only he wasn't...

And then it was over and I looked back up at him. It took me a few seconds to recover. "Maybe it doesn't have to be," I said, taking his hands in mine. "Maybe...this will pass." I paused and took a deep breath. "Sometimes one thinks that they have deep, meaningful feelings for another person, and then they realize that...it's all just infatuation. Maybe that's how it'll be for us."

I was lying. Badly. I lifted one of his hands to my mouth and kissed it, softly.

"We just need time, that's all. And then one day we'll look at this and smile." I stood on my tiptoes, kissing his cheek, and then his lips again. I wished I could kiss him like he kissed me, and yet I was frightened of those emotions, scared that if I kissed him the way I wanted to we would never stop. I was crying, tears rolling silently down my cheeks, and yet I forced a laugh, smiling up at him. "See? I'm laughing already."

[Guy de Layne]

It made my heart ache, the way she was trying to put a brave face on it. She was so young, so full of hope, and by Elua, I wanted to believe her. We both knew this wasn't something that would pass - at least anytime soon, and would I have the strength to resist her for long? I doubted it. I was already teetering on the brink of going too far to come back from, how many more times could I be in her presence without giving in?

Yet how could I say those words to her? I didn't want to be the architect of her pain, the reason for those tears. She kissed me again, softly this time and I let her, then pulled back, wiping the tears from her check with the backs of my fingers. I smiled softly as she spoke, a sudden calm coming over me.

"I hope you're right, Sandrine." I said softly, knowing she wasn't, but unable to disappoint her with the truth. "You should get back." I said, forcing the words out around the lump in my throat. "It would be awkward if Denis comes looking for you."

[Sandrine nó Orchis]

I really did laugh, then. "Denis is sound asleep," I whispered. "But you're right, of course." I clenched my fists again to avoid touching him. I didn't want to tempt him...us...any more tonight.

I stepped away from him, curtseying, and smiled. "It'll work out, Guy," I said, because it had to. "I promise."

And then I slipped out of his room.

Denis awoke as I slipped back into bed. "Have you been gone long, pretty bird?"

"No," I lied. "I couldn't wait to get back to you."

He positioned himself over me as I tried to push all thoughts of Guy out of my head. "It's funny," he said, chuckling, "but for an instant there I thought you might have gone to the Cassiline."

I laughed automatically. "What makes you say that, Denis? There's nothing interesting about a Cassiline. Except maybe trying to tempt them into breaking their vows." I smoothed my face into the picture of innocence. "And I would never, ever do such a thing."

"What a silly vow," he said, entering me unexpectedly. I cried out in surprise and, to my utter shame, pleasure. "Who would deny themselves this pleasure?"

I knew exactly who would do it, and I had to fight down the tears that threatened to spill over. Soon I threw myself into my work, trying valiantly to keep thoughts of Guy from distracting me.

I failed every single time.

[Guy de Layne]

I watched her go, bemused at her optimism, not believing it for a moment. I knew I had to keep my distance from her; at the very least, not be alone with her again. I turned back to the window, looking up at the full moon that shone in the sky. Cassiel, give me the strength to keep my vows, to stand by what I believe, and not to hurt Sandrine in the process. I had a feeling that would be impossible, however, and it was with a heavy heart that slipped into bed that night.

I tossed and turned for quite sometime, feeling Sandrine's lips on mine ... had anything ever felt better? Of course, I couldn't shake thoughts of her and Denis together, and my emotions ranged from full of desire to anger at the thought of Denis touching her. How could I work for the man everyday after this? I knew that I had to, and that I would, and nothing would ever show on my face.

I finally fell into an exhausted sleep, visions of Sandrine's face in my head and the taste of her kiss on my lips.