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Post by Douleur nó Shahrizai on Aug 22, 2009 0:25:38 GMT -5
Slowly and carefully I walked out into the back gardens, the warm sunlight washing over me and trying to sweep beneath my skin. The sun felt nice and I moved towards a rock bench in full sun, gently sitting. I was healing, I knew it and the healers told me so, but those were just the surface wounds that they saw.
Inside, I didn’t know if I would ever heal. I kept expecting to hear word of Dominic turning himself in of his execution, but none came. Of course that didn’t mean it hadn’t happened. I was living with a guilt so deep it nearly drove me to the ground with every breath. Everyone that I loved and that loved me, I had betrayed. I had betrayed the House that had taken me in and showed me what I truly was, I had betrayed the gods. And I couldn’t tell anyone, I couldn’t confess. The whipping had been a punishment, but not a cleansing.
Never had I been so unsure of what I was going to do with my life. How could I serve my House now? How could I serve Naamah? She knew that I loved Dominic, twisted and sick as most would think it, I had loved him. I still did to a point. There had pleasure between us, in more forms than most would ever know in their lifetimes, and pain just as varied.
I felt old far beyond my age. I’d lived too much in this last year. I felt thin and scraped, enough so that it was surprising the sunlight didn’t shine right through me. I shifted a little to ease the ache in my back and watched the shadows move across the ground.
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Post by Douleur nó Shahrizai on Aug 30, 2009 18:45:14 GMT -5
The sunset shone through the windows on the opposite wall, painting the library in rose and purple. Everything seemed to glow around the edges and I found myself smiling softly as I looked up from my work.
I was copying a story from a Hellene text. I’d been tasked with producing fifteen copies and I was nearly finished with the twelfth. The copies were going to be distributed in one of the classes, not one I was currently in. My clear penmanship had once again won me the task. I didn’t mind though, it was good work and I felt like I was accomplishing something.
As I looked around the room, I straightened up and set down my quill. I stretched my back a little, trying to keep it from stiffening up. The whip marks had healed and now only reddish-purple wheals on my flesh bore testimony to what I’d felt.
I flexed my hand as well, not wanting my fingers to cramp. It seemed I’d waited too long though as a bolt of pain shot through my hand and my fingers curled involuntarily. Whimpering, I cradled my hand against me, gently rubbing it with my other hand. The pain wasn’t easing though and it took me a moment to realize I was rubbing far harder than I needed to, making the pain worse.
I gasped, my mind clearing enough to take stock of myself and recognizing all the tell-tale signs of my need. My pulse had quickened and I felt the pain flowing through me, like when you drink strong liquor and you can feel its path as it warms its way through your body. My eyes swept closed as I nearly wept. The need was still there, pushed aside but only just and now no longer willing to be quiet. The ache within me had nothing to do with the pain, the pain was sweet and pure, it had to do with who I was at my core.
A soft rustling reached my ears and I opened my eyes to find Trinette standing in the doorway watching me. My hands fell to my lap and I blushed deeply, my gaze dropping as well. I’d only had glances of my Dowayne since the whipping; we’d not spoken at all. I heard her move deeper into the room and stop next to the table where I sat.
“I came to tell you that you can finish the transcribing in the morning,” she said softly.
“Thank you, Dowayne,” I answered, my voice even softer than hers. I wondered at why she’d come herself and not sent an initiate.
Silence between us drew out for a few moments, and I never lifted my gaze or moved more than to draw breaths.
“What am I going to do with you, Douleur?” she said finally, sighing. “You were quite the little star, bringing patrons of such position to your bed, but now what’s become of you? Sitting here copying texts instead of out seducing your next patron.” She sighed again, but softer this time. “I never imagined I’d have to have you punished so. Perhaps it was just too much too quickly for you. You have gone through quite a lot since your debut.” There was another rustling and I felt her hand softly caress the top of my head. “This is still your path, you know it. It is time for you to be an adept again.” I could feel the tears running down my cheeks. “Prove to me, to the gods, and to yourself that you can be trusted again. This is where you belong Douleur; it’s time to come home.”
Her thumb brushed my cheek, wiping away tears, and then she left. My gaze lifted and I looked at the doorway she’d exited through. My heart ached and my chest felt tight.
Naamah whose service I am in, Kushiel whose hand has shaped my soul, Elua whose love I know has guided my life, please help me do right; help me not let down those I love.
Please.
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