Post by Juliette L'Envers de Montegue on May 12, 2009 22:08:46 GMT -5
It was a reoccurring nightmare that had been plaguing me since my letter to Reese returned from the Somerville’s unopened, with the report that he no longer lived with his family. They came every few weeks, long enough between them that I would hope they had left me alone. But it was not to be.
The image was Reese as I had known him years ago, fourteen or so, before a failed dalliance in the Night Court had hardened the lines of his mouth. He used the same words that he had spoken to me when we quarrelled at Beltane, only this time the anger was replaced with false mocking laughter. “You’re still not going to give me a chance, are you? You’ve made up your mind about me, you made it up years ago.”
My voice came out of the very earth of the meadow it seemed, as the words I spoke in return were repeated by my subconscious. Don’t push me Reese. It was fair pleading, every time I heard myself speak those words, I winced.
“Can you even hear yourself Mouse? This is what he’s reduced you to, this is why he never deserved you. I don’t either, but at least I’ll admit to it.” His smile was gay as his blue eyes, so much like his brother’s, sparkled in the summer sun.
And that somehow makes you better Reese? Not in my books. He might have hurt me more, but you’re not blameless. You’re obsession helped to ruin a relationship I dreamt of for years.
His hand brushed against mine, for once my imagination free of my gloves. “Gods you’re beautiful like this.” Even in my dream, my skin tingled at his touch and as much as I felt safer now than I did that night, my voice still whipped out in anger, the plot unchangeable.
Are you even listening?
“Oh, I’m listening. But you’re not. I was never out to hurt you. Maybe I wanted to hurt Gratien, but that was secondary. It was always and still is always you. All I’m asking for is a chance. But you took him back before you would even give me that.”
I went up to this young Reese, my hand gently stroking his cheek. But reality was remorseless as my voice replied without my consent. I wanted to- I had wanted to marry him. I can’t just give that up at the wave of your hand.
“I’m not a patient man Mouse. I won’t wait forever.” Now the words were gentle, not the harshness of before.
You can either wait until I’m ready, or you can get the hell out of my life. My words never softened in this dream.
The merry smile now faded, and he began to grow older before my eyes as frustration and pride crept into him. “Fine. But if I’ve gotten over this insanity by the time you’ve come to your senses, that’s no one’s fault but yours.”
You are not pinning this on me. My voice retorted, and I remembered glaring at him. Remember what happened the last time I thought it was all my fault. Don’t you dare try to blame me. You’re the one who’s pushing, who won’t give me time to heal. You’re the one being a selfish prat. Even now I couldn’t figure out whether to hold onto my anger, or cringe at the pain I could see bloom in his eyes as I played the guilt card.
“Mouse – Juliette, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean… I just want… I just want you. In whatever state you’re in. I’m so sorry.”
Tell someone who believes you. Now get out of my way.
But in my dream it was he that turned and left, and I fell to my knees, weeping with loss. When I woke, my cheeks were still wet. I wondered if I would ever forget him.
The image was Reese as I had known him years ago, fourteen or so, before a failed dalliance in the Night Court had hardened the lines of his mouth. He used the same words that he had spoken to me when we quarrelled at Beltane, only this time the anger was replaced with false mocking laughter. “You’re still not going to give me a chance, are you? You’ve made up your mind about me, you made it up years ago.”
My voice came out of the very earth of the meadow it seemed, as the words I spoke in return were repeated by my subconscious. Don’t push me Reese. It was fair pleading, every time I heard myself speak those words, I winced.
“Can you even hear yourself Mouse? This is what he’s reduced you to, this is why he never deserved you. I don’t either, but at least I’ll admit to it.” His smile was gay as his blue eyes, so much like his brother’s, sparkled in the summer sun.
And that somehow makes you better Reese? Not in my books. He might have hurt me more, but you’re not blameless. You’re obsession helped to ruin a relationship I dreamt of for years.
His hand brushed against mine, for once my imagination free of my gloves. “Gods you’re beautiful like this.” Even in my dream, my skin tingled at his touch and as much as I felt safer now than I did that night, my voice still whipped out in anger, the plot unchangeable.
Are you even listening?
“Oh, I’m listening. But you’re not. I was never out to hurt you. Maybe I wanted to hurt Gratien, but that was secondary. It was always and still is always you. All I’m asking for is a chance. But you took him back before you would even give me that.”
I went up to this young Reese, my hand gently stroking his cheek. But reality was remorseless as my voice replied without my consent. I wanted to- I had wanted to marry him. I can’t just give that up at the wave of your hand.
“I’m not a patient man Mouse. I won’t wait forever.” Now the words were gentle, not the harshness of before.
You can either wait until I’m ready, or you can get the hell out of my life. My words never softened in this dream.
The merry smile now faded, and he began to grow older before my eyes as frustration and pride crept into him. “Fine. But if I’ve gotten over this insanity by the time you’ve come to your senses, that’s no one’s fault but yours.”
You are not pinning this on me. My voice retorted, and I remembered glaring at him. Remember what happened the last time I thought it was all my fault. Don’t you dare try to blame me. You’re the one who’s pushing, who won’t give me time to heal. You’re the one being a selfish prat. Even now I couldn’t figure out whether to hold onto my anger, or cringe at the pain I could see bloom in his eyes as I played the guilt card.
“Mouse – Juliette, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean… I just want… I just want you. In whatever state you’re in. I’m so sorry.”
Tell someone who believes you. Now get out of my way.
But in my dream it was he that turned and left, and I fell to my knees, weeping with loss. When I woke, my cheeks were still wet. I wondered if I would ever forget him.