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Post by Azriel Shahrizai on Jan 1, 2009 20:12:24 GMT -5
I looked to the shelves. I had an answer, but not one that I would want to admit to her. "Because, you're all the same. Same desires, same twisted sense of loyalty. Like everythings a game...braiding hair, the night court, all in an attempt to prove one has deeper lineage over the others." I kept focused on the shelves.
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Post by Sarielle Shahrizai on Jan 1, 2009 21:20:54 GMT -5
"Twisted?" I asked, a little hurt by his words. "I for one have never viewed loyalty as a disgraceful value to embody. And should we be all lumped into the same boat? We do not all have the same desires, and even still as much as I hate to say it, not all have the sense of undying loyalty either. Braiding hair is something we do to teach each other patience. Yes, the patience it teaches is often used in an ill manner, but it is not always bad. Think, having the ability to have the patience to school yourself, to use in more amiable things, like work, or in dealing with people who are highly volatile." I shook my head looking away from him. "The night court," I said, shrugging, "all partake in it." I turned back to him, watching his face. "And mayhap you forget, cousin, your last name is the same as 'ours'. By saying we are all the same you have lumped yourself in the same boat as those you don't esteem."
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Post by Azriel Shahrizai on Jan 1, 2009 22:23:37 GMT -5
"Loyalty becomes disgraceful when it comes at a price, and truth be told you're absolutely right that those things can be seen as a good...if, in the right hands." I leaned against the books, and looked at her, my brows furrowed. "But the truth of the matter is that more often then not the pursuits of our Shahrizai kin are lascivious at best." My words were perhaps a bit more intense that I had intended it and I relax, leaning back off the shelves and turning to my gaze back to the books.
"I, for one, am sick and tired of having people turn their noses up at my name....aren't you." My manner was calm and soft, my voice gentle. I glanced side long at her knowing it was truth enough since I was doing the very same as many others, and we both knew it. And I at least knew why. I turned toward her and then brushed passed her to the books on her other side. But as I past I said softly, my lips brushing her hair; "And I don't partake in the Night Court, never have, never will." I made it to the other books and began to read their spines, searching for another book.
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Post by Sarielle Shahrizai on Jan 2, 2009 5:43:01 GMT -5
I listened to him, and watched him as he moved from one side of me to the other. When he leaned in to whisper, his voice was low and soft and beautiful, making me shiver ever so slightly. I turned to face him, wondering if his seeming search for another book was just a facade so he didn't have to face me.
"I have never known the loyalty of the family to come at a price, at least not those that I have encountered. Yes, I have heard of stories with our family name, many of them may be unsavoury, especially to those who are outside of the family and do not understand. Do you fault a Camaeline for being faithful and loyal and a fighter to a perfect T? Do you fault a Namaresse for being sensual and loving? Do you fault a Siovalese man for doing anything in the pursuit of knowledge? We are what we are Azriel. Some people take it a mite far, yes, but who are we really to judge them? Mayhap they are the ones with more courage because they give in completely and purely to their wants, their desires, to the way they feel they are supposed to be. Mayhap they are more honourable because they are complete representations of who they are. I don't know if that can be all bad. If anything it is the purest form of love, to be able to know yourself, and not be afraid to show it to others." I stopped looking up at him now. He had no idea how many times I had had this conversation with those of the family who felt the same as he for some reason or another. Those who could not come to grips with who they were, the feelings inside them, or the lack thereof.
"It hurts to have people look at me like I'm something they despise, yes. It is especially hurtful when it comes from those you would think would be loyal and understanding. But, it gives me a sort of pleasure if I can help them understand. Understand us, understand themselves, and maybe not hate us as a whole so much, and certainly be able to at least 'tolerate' me." I said, a little bit more venom in the last part. The irony in his words was not lost on me.
"As for your lack of visits to the Night Court, you mean to tell me you have never visited any of the other houses? Alyssum? Gentian? Jasmine? None of them? Well, to each their own." I said, shrugging. "Visiting the Night Court is nothing to be ashamed of, regardless of the House one visits. I will not lie, I have been to Valerian, I have partaken in the games there, and I will not cower under someone elses weight of judgment on the matter."
"You may judge me if you wish, Azriel," I said quietly, "but I still say regardless, I have followed Elua's will, and loved how I wanted, and in the ways that I personally feel fit and right, and I will not wrong others for doing the same." I said this and then turned away from him, the passion in my face being too much for me to want to reveal, calmly passing my fingers over some of the books, I shook my head, my hair moving over my shoulders as I shuddered gently, letting out a sigh before I was able to turn back to face him.
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Post by Azriel Shahrizai on Jan 2, 2009 19:02:28 GMT -5
I turned to her and narrowed my eyes at her. "Its not about shame." I bit back. "You might find it acceptable to bind a person to such a fate as the Night Court, but I do not wish to condone it." I said softly and trying not to let my anger get the better of me. "And I personally don't wish to pay for the pleasure of some one's company. If I take a woman I want her to come to me because she loves me and not because I pay her. The act of love making is a religious experience to some, but to others its all they have, all they are. Lost with out identity." I thought of Isra and knew that the reason she didn't know what to do with her life was exactly why I hated the Night Court. I found my anger increased and turned to the books to take a breath. "You would know that if you were friends with adept, instead of just using them for your pleasure." My last sentance was calm and almost wistful as I thought about the life that Isra lived.
"You talk of me judging you, but are you not doing the same. Condeming me to a fate of your choosing simply because I don't want to be like every other Shahrizai in this province." I turned to her, still calm. "Whats wrong with the fact that I have a better chance by improving the Shahrizai name by not being like everyone else, by showing people that we aren't all the same?" I asked before turing back to the shelf, my hand runing through my hair as I calmed myself further.
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Post by Sarielle Shahrizai on Jan 2, 2009 20:58:20 GMT -5
I was near fuming now, even though the sadness was overwhelming. His words bit hard at me, not because they were right, but moreso that they couldn't have been more wrong, and that was an injustice I would not let slide.
"First off, I did not nor will not condemn someone to a life that they do not choose. Many have chosen it, or enjoy their lives in the Night Court that others have chosen for them. Have you ever looked at it from another standpoint? If they are so condemned there, they cannot leave without having their marque paid, going and paying for their time is the best thing you could do, or buying their marque outright. Or have you ever thought that mayhap they enjoy what they do? That there are those that exist who have paid off their marques and still stay there because they enjoy it, take pride in it?" I shook my head moving so that I stood infront of him, forcing him to look at me.
"Love and sex can be separate, or they can be the same. Like I said to you, to each their own." I shook my head again, my frustration mounting with every word.
"And what do you pretend to know about me, Azriel? 'If I had friends in the night court.' I will have you know that I have made bonds, those that are not purely sexual, with adepts. It is one thing to try and judge me in an area you know me, but do not put your own boot in your mouth by generalization. I have never used someone for pleasure, Azriel, that is near tantamount to rape. Two people participate in a sexual act because both have something to gain from it, whether it is the feeling of love, or the feeling of belonging, or just pure sex for the reason of animalistic fulfilment.
"Mayhap if you gave me a chance instead of condemning me, you would know, and you would understand. I gave you a chance, even after you so cooly showed dislike for 'my kind'. I have not condemned you to any fate, Azriel. I have simply tried to show you that every coin has two sides. The dark does not exist without the light, or vice versa. Do you understand me?" I stared up at him, my eyes and face full of emotion. I had learned to school myself against this, against these sorts of onslaughts, but to hell with lessons in discretion and patience.
"I never told you to be the same. Gods, Azriel, it is like you have not heard a word I have said, or mayhap you misunderstood? I am saying there is something to admire in everyone, even those who are unsavoury. I applaud you for being good, if this is what you are striving for. I do not know the relationship you have with yourself. All I know is that for me, and for others, we know ourselves, we take the good with the bad, the light with the dark, and do not condemn ourselves necessarilly to every societal universal definition of good or bad. If who you are really IS who you are, then I am glad that you are who you are. Do you get it? I don't care your background, anyones background, so long as they are true to themselves. That is the most important thing. This is why I do not judge you, mainly because I do not know you, and you have not let me know you. I ask questions, I make statements, that does not mean I sit here and have made a judgment against you, have formed you in my head decisively based on a few words coming out of your mouth. If that were the case, we would no longer be standing here, talking." I got quiet then. "Mayhap that would have been for the best." I could feel my nerves wound so tight I was starting to shake.
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Post by Azriel Shahrizai on Jan 2, 2009 21:22:26 GMT -5
As she spoke I found myself getting mader and mader, my hair feeling like it was on fire. I slammed my hand to the shelf behind her, the wood shaking as I almost pressed myself to her, my face mere inches from hers. "First of all, I have paid off an adepts marque...cousin..." I almost hissed the word. "And now she has no idea what to do with herself because the Night Court has robbed her of any potential to be anything else but a woman who lays with people for money." I said harshly. "You have no idea about anything, you are nothing but a child who walks around thinking that just because she allows herself to be who she wants to be, that she knows all about the world. You know nothing about the places beyond here, you know nothing of love and truth and you think that because you've cared about an adept or two, or happen to be friends with them, that you have any idea what its like to be them. You're a hypocrite and you've raised you're self so high in the air you can't even see your own smug self satisfied ideals, speaking about how you don't care about anything as long as their true to themselves. What do you know about that? You do judge, you judge worse then any I have ever met, and its mostly because you pretend like don't, that you're better then those that don't want to be in their own catagory." I said, my eyes locked with hers, staring her down with the anger I felt inside. "How old are you Sarielle...about twenty four?" I asked curiously. "How much of life have you seen? Have you even been outside the walls of the City? Have you ever spent time with people not of your class....Baronesse?" I scoffed. "You don't ask questions, you assume and you judge me and others, chiding those that may have another view then yours and pretend that you know what it is to feel loss, love, and guilt. And you're so wrapped up in your own ego that you have no idea how you sound." I pulled back and straightened my shirt, looking at her for a moment before bowing and turning, making my way to the shoppe keep to pay for my books and appologise for my out burst.
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Post by Sarielle Shahrizai on Jan 2, 2009 21:32:22 GMT -5
When his hand slammed into the shelf, I shook, hugging my books to my chest, listening to his words as cut through me. None of it was true, none of it at all, and I could not reason with this sort of unfathomable want to see. He turned after he berated me with words, walking towards the shoppe keep. I dropped my books, my hands shaking as I went to bend over to pick them up, going down to my knees, my hands fumbling as I tried to stop the stinging in my eyes.
Just give up, just let it go I told myself as I tried to pick myself up, shaking away the tears.
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Post by Azriel Shahrizai on Jan 2, 2009 21:39:33 GMT -5
I heard the books drop and quickly paid for my things. I was on my way out when I saw Sarielle kneeling and looking as though she was crying. I sighed, knowing I had been harsh, but she had hit a tender spot for me. I shifted the books in my arm and walked over to her, reaching down I picked up the books and tucked them under my arm with my other books. After that I reached down and took hold of her hand, trying to lift her to her feet.
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Post by Sarielle Shahrizai on Jan 2, 2009 22:07:35 GMT -5
I pulled my hand out of his grasp, the tears rolling down my cheeks now as I turned my head away from him.
"Just leave them as they were Azriel, please. I don't..." I stammered. "I don't need your pity. Just tell me this," I said, quickly wiping away my tears as I looked up at him, "did that make you feel any better? I was just trying," my voice broke, making me clear my throat. "I was just trying to explain. I meant no harm, and yet you attack me. So, did it? How does it feel to do something so us, so apparently, not you? Do you feel good? Maybe feel like laughing looking at me slumped here like a bawling child? As stupid and unworldly as I am?"
My defiance was returning even as the tears continued their course down my cheeks. "Do you know what its like to be unwanted, to have the only person who has ever made you feel like a person snatched away from you? Have you ever been discarded, thrown aside, like you are nothing? I didn't grow up with the charactersitic pampering, I didn't know who I was, I defined myself by other people. Do you know what that is like, Azriel? Do you?!" I yelled now trembling, the tears coursing down my face yet again. He had opened that chasm deep inside me that had been so expertly sealed over, the one that I had tried to hide, the pain of hope and then abandonement was devastating.
I lowered my voice, whispering now, a weak laugh coming from me. "And yet here I am, still explaining, like I need to give you some sort of explanation when I have done nothing but tell the truth from my own eyes. Put my books back and just leave. Why should the fact that I am sitting here like a fool warrant you coming back. Just shrug, look appologetically to the shop keep and leave with your books." I continued to wipe my tears as I tried to stop shaking, trying to bring myself to my feet, but not really having the energy. I had dealt with many like him as of late, and it was as though these encounters were draining my reserves.
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Post by Azriel Shahrizai on Jan 2, 2009 22:17:16 GMT -5
I sighed, reaching down and taking her hand once more before pulling her up again. "You hit a sore spot and though yes, it is not characteristic of me to be so upset, its is not uncharacteristic of me to try to fix what I have ruined." I said softly. "And no it didn't feel good." Truthfully it felt a little good but I wouldn't admit that to her.
"Just incase you're not aware Sarielle, I lost both my parents when I was fifteen, I wasn't raised by anyone. No family took me in, no one wanted me." I felt a little annoyed at the thought that I should have a care for her feelings...her background...but she didn't care anything to know about me.
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Post by Sarielle Shahrizai on Jan 2, 2009 22:30:50 GMT -5
I let him help me up this time, bracing myself against the shelf once I had gotten to my shakey feet.
"Azriel, I am sorry, I would have asked more but... It is funny, I have been thinking up all these questions, and not asking them, because I didn't want to pry. I should have gone with my gut instinct instead of what would have been socially acceptable for two people meeting for the first time. I should have told you what I saw, but I was so afraid of messing up." Then I looked in his eyes. "But then I saw something... like... you were guarding things. I didn't want to pry, I didn't want to rip anything open, I know how it feels to have a sore spot rubbed with salt and vinegar. Then, lo and behold, I did, without even trying." I worried my lip between my teeth. "Even when we use our gifts for good it seems to turn against us." My head was hurting terribly as I let my hand wander to my temple, pressing it gently. "I can't see why no one would want you, it just doesn't make any sense," I whispered, more to myself than to anyone else. "Then again I should understand more than most." I continued to whisper. I shook my head, not feeling at all well at the moment, and extremely embarassed in front of those in the shoppe. I had more integrity and control than this. I decided to tell him more. "When my mother died... it was as if everything ended for me. She was the one who cared about me, she loved me, she made me feel like I belonged, and I still tried to please my father in everything that I did, never succeeding. He only tolerated me for her, and when she died," I said, my voice nearly inaudible, "that was the end of his tolerance. It was as if my presence sickened him, like he hated my very existence, and then he told me why. Something so simple, so not my fault, because I had not been born a boy, like I was a curse. It is one thing to have someone stripped from you by an accident, or natural causes, but to have yourself denied love because you are something you can't change. Do you understand why mayhap you struck an ill-tuned chord with me as well?"
I figured, since I was coming compeltely clean, I would continue. He had already done the worst damage, the only thing he could do is walk away again. Now that I knew he was capable, I'd be ready. "I understand now, thinking on it, that there must have been something about adepts, as well, that I said that bothered you. I didn't mean to insult any one that you know, nor pass judgment. I always try to show as many perspectives to the same situation as I can, because I believe that knowledge is power. I am not as stupid as you think," I said meeting his gaze once again, my fingers still massaging my temple.
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Post by Azriel Shahrizai on Jan 2, 2009 22:36:01 GMT -5
I listened to her and sighed once more, my free arm wrapping around her and pulled her to my chest, my lips finding her head and kissed her gently. I didn't say anything, I just held her to me, breathing steadily.
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Post by Sarielle Shahrizai on Jan 2, 2009 23:04:18 GMT -5
His arm went around me as the tears threatened to return, the truth out in the open, making me feel utterly vulnerable and raw. I cried softly into his chest as I felt him press his face to my head, kissing it. I didn't want to be weak, I didn't want him seeing me like this, I didn't want to be reduced to a snivelling child. I had already spent years crying, wanting to die. I couldn't have a strange man reopening those feelings, making that yawning gap gape relentlessly to swallow me in, but I couldn't pull away. I huddled closer to his warmth as I slowed my breathing, stopping the sobs, smelling his scent. "I'm sorry," I whispered. And here I was, being the child all over, appologizing.
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Post by Azriel Shahrizai on Jan 2, 2009 23:08:57 GMT -5
"Don't be sorry." I whispered softly. "Lets just chalk it up to a misunderstanding." I murmured, holding her to me still. "Come, lets go some where more private and we can talk more."
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Post by Sarielle Shahrizai on Jan 2, 2009 23:27:18 GMT -5
I nodded against his shirt in quiet agreement, not wanting to pull away. His arms were comforting, despite the bad foot we had gotten off to. I pulled away gently, the sadness still showing in my eyes, on my face as I looked up at him, his shirt damp with tears and smudged with coal, which could only attest to my own dissheveled appearance.
"Drat," I uttered shakilly. "I've ruined your shirt." I looked up at him apologetically as I wiped the tears from my eyes, hopefully getting whatever smudged khol may have been there. I sniffled softly, straightening myself, holding my hands out for my books, a sad smile coming to my face. "I should pay for those first. Heavens knows the only thing that would make this day complete would be to be locked in a prison sell for theivery."
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Post by Azriel Shahrizai on Jan 2, 2009 23:37:37 GMT -5
I smiled, running my hand through her hair for a moment as she spoke and composed herself. "Let me buy them for you. Stay here I'll be right back." I said taking her books and going to the front. I paid for them too, appologized once more and then returned back to Sarielle.
"Come." I said softly, taking her hand in mine and began to lead her from the store.
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Post by Sarielle Shahrizai on Jan 2, 2009 23:44:31 GMT -5
His hand went softly through my hair. I found myself leaning into it as he did, snapping back to awareness, realizing he was not a lover, and stopping myself. The last thing I needed now was to have him be sickened by my actions again.
Before I could stop him, he took my books to the counter and was paying for them, exchanging a few words of apology before coming back to me. His hand grasped mine gently, but surely, as he uttered one word and I followed beside him out the store. I smiled weakly to the shop keeper who just nodded in our direction, probably very happy to have us out of his store.
"Where..." I stuttered for a moment. "Where are we going?" I asked, my voice hoarse and hardly appealing as we walked into the street, the bell of the shop door jingling behind us.
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Post by Azriel Shahrizai on Jan 2, 2009 23:47:49 GMT -5
I turned to her once we were out in the street. "My place." I said smiling softly. "Come for tea." I suggested. "We can talk and what not." I added squeezing her hand. "In less you don't want to." I released her hand and reached up, rubbing a bit of a dark smudge from under her eye and then slipped my hand into hers once more. "I walked, do you have a carriage?"
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Post by Sarielle Shahrizai on Jan 2, 2009 23:58:27 GMT -5
"No, I mean yes, I mean," I laughed a moment. His soft touch had flustered me inside, making my stomach move in what seemed like an awkward turning motion. I wasnt used to such care. "Tea sounds delightful, and so does talking. And I do have a carriage, but I walked, I enjoy the fresh air and the thinking time it allows sometimes." My blue dress swished around my calves in the mild breeze as if in emphasis. I let out a light laugh then, looking down, then looking back up at him.
"Thank you, Azriel. For the books, for inviting me," I said, trailing off as I gazed up into his eyes.
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Post by Azriel Shahrizai on Jan 3, 2009 0:02:36 GMT -5
I smiled and nodded, squeezing her hand a little more. "You're welcome." I said softly. "After all, thats what family is for." I chuckled a little and raised her hand kissing the back of it before glancing around. "Shall we walk then?"
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Post by Sarielle Shahrizai on Jan 3, 2009 0:06:24 GMT -5
His sweetness was so endearing as he kissed the back of my hand, his lips soft and warm against my skin. I too laughed at his family reference, it being the topic that got us into trouble in the first place. It felt good to smile without forcing it, or feeling the weight of sadness in it.
"Yes, let's." I replied. "So, shall we start the chat now? Or wait until we reach your home?" I asked softly.
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Post by Azriel Shahrizai on Jan 3, 2009 13:48:19 GMT -5
I smiled and released her hand slowly. "Lets just walk and see what happens." I said with a soft wink and then pointed in the direction we were going, leading us back to my town house.
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Post by Sarielle Shahrizai on Jan 3, 2009 14:00:21 GMT -5
I laughed as he winked at me. I grasped my hands, turning in the direction that he pointed.
"Alright, that sounds fine to me, Azriel," I said softly.
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