Post by Juliette L'Envers de Montegue on Jul 28, 2008 1:20:12 GMT -5
I sat in the garden, at the edge of our small fountain. I stared down at the rippling waters, trying to let the rhythm soothe my mind. It had been weeks since the hunt fête, weeks since this fiasco had all started. And I was confused now as I had been then.
Gratien hadn’t tried to write again, and for that I was grateful. I was angry with him, but not so angry that it didn’t hurt to know he loved me still. I had been caught up with this pain for long enough, I just wanted it to end, to fade away.
I also hadn’t heard from Reese. Though I was still looking at the ruffled water, in my mind’s eye I could see his face as we quarrelled, both saying things we wished we could take back as soon as they left our lips. He hadn’t wanted to wait for me to get over Gratien, he had pushed. And I had pushed right back.
I had tried to send him a message after my recovery from the plague, to apologize for some of the awful things I had said, but the letter returned unopened. Reese no longer lived with his family. I had no other way to contact him, no way of knowing where to find him. My heart was heavy as I stood and turned away from my watery reflection. I had lost two men who loved me. I didn’t blame anyone for the first loss, not really. I blamed Gratien for how it ended, but not for the fact that it did end. He had been right. You needed more than just love, you needed love that made you more, that made you both more.
The second loss, well that I blamed myself for. Myself and Reese. We both had our pride, and it had caused folly. Did I love him? Even more importantly, did I love him in that special way? I didn’t know. And now I never would. He was lost to me unless he returned through his own decisions. And if he hadn’t returned by now, I was sure he never would.
My breathing was uneven, but I held the tears at bay. The time for tears was before I fell asleep, in the darkness where no one could see them. In the daylight I had to appear strong, appear healthy in mind and body. As my mother’s last letter had reminded me, our people needed me. Even if I was miserable, even if I was unable to forget, I needed to put on a smiling masque and continue with my life.
Gratien hadn’t tried to write again, and for that I was grateful. I was angry with him, but not so angry that it didn’t hurt to know he loved me still. I had been caught up with this pain for long enough, I just wanted it to end, to fade away.
I also hadn’t heard from Reese. Though I was still looking at the ruffled water, in my mind’s eye I could see his face as we quarrelled, both saying things we wished we could take back as soon as they left our lips. He hadn’t wanted to wait for me to get over Gratien, he had pushed. And I had pushed right back.
I had tried to send him a message after my recovery from the plague, to apologize for some of the awful things I had said, but the letter returned unopened. Reese no longer lived with his family. I had no other way to contact him, no way of knowing where to find him. My heart was heavy as I stood and turned away from my watery reflection. I had lost two men who loved me. I didn’t blame anyone for the first loss, not really. I blamed Gratien for how it ended, but not for the fact that it did end. He had been right. You needed more than just love, you needed love that made you more, that made you both more.
The second loss, well that I blamed myself for. Myself and Reese. We both had our pride, and it had caused folly. Did I love him? Even more importantly, did I love him in that special way? I didn’t know. And now I never would. He was lost to me unless he returned through his own decisions. And if he hadn’t returned by now, I was sure he never would.
My breathing was uneven, but I held the tears at bay. The time for tears was before I fell asleep, in the darkness where no one could see them. In the daylight I had to appear strong, appear healthy in mind and body. As my mother’s last letter had reminded me, our people needed me. Even if I was miserable, even if I was unable to forget, I needed to put on a smiling masque and continue with my life.