The Homecoming

[Kendrick Deveroix]

"I cannot be there now," I said through my teeth, my breath hissing out in the small spaces. "I cannot! The estate functions well enough without my presence - you and I know that. Father is there, ailing in health but strong in mind, and it had you, too, until you left." I turned my gaze away, watching a breeze kick up from an unknown source and ruffle the silken petal of an ever-blooming rose upon the table.

"You do not understand, Jules, and I cannot expect you to... Not yet. I cannot be there."

[Julie Deveroix (D)]

That was a low blow, and I was thankful the servant came with the first order, forcing a diversion.

I walked slowly back to the table, taking the time to reflect on what I should reply to such a harsh accusation. I had abandonned my responsibilities? What about his?

I took in a deep breath as I sat down before I replied to him. Silently, I took a sip of wine, but outrage was all that filled my mind.

"And how would you know how the estate runs, from here?" I asked dryly.

[Kendrick Deveroix]

I blinked at the myriad of looks that crossed her face; surprised that faded almost immediatly into hurt, then from hurt into an obviously deep anger. What in the seven hells had I said? Reaching up, I scratched at the hairline of my neck, giving her a confused look as she began to sip her wine.

"Correspondence," I said, still looking at her strangely. "Between myself, Father, the financial advisor and the head of the household staff. It all goes well; the last such letter came to me not four days gone now."

[Julie Deveroix (D)]

"And you are satisfied with what they tell you?" I replied coldly. "You never did understand how deeply Father loves you, Kendrick." Or how much I do.

"All of the management of the Estate has fallen into Benoit's hands. Though he may be a good man, his hands are full. Father has taken the bed in the last fortnight and can barely do much. Every day that goes by takes its toll on him, and he will soon be incapable of it. As for myself...." my voice trailed off. I took a sip and concluded, "you know full well I am unfit for it. The only thing I can do on the Estate is roam it. I can't do more. I'm just not the person for the job, though I wish I were."

You were made for it, Kendrick. Not me.

"Beside, do you hate us so much that you can no longer bear to be home?"

[Kendrick Deveroix]

The sound of her voice fairly dripped resentment, a cold, untouchable anger that, had it been directed to anyone else, I'd have immediatly have acted upon for causing my baby sister to feel such a way.

But now... It was as if her words were a red-hot poker, searing through me and into my heart, twisting and turning and boring a hole that pained me beyond words. My confusion melted away instantly, and I filled that hole with the first raw emotion my body came across: Rage.

"Do you think I am happy, Julie?" I asked, my hands holding a white-knuckled grip upon the chairs arms. "Do you think I am pleased with my life? Do you think I enjoy living here, being alone in the City while you and Father are alone upon the estate?" I leaned forward towards her, then immediatly shifted my weight back, keeping it pressed for safetys sake against my chair. "Do you think I do not wake every morning wondering about you two, how Father is fairing, how you are coping? Do you think I do not go to bed every night hearing her laughter in my ears? Is THAT what you think? I am heartless and cruel, caring only for my own self-indulgent whims, and you are left to pick up the pieces behind."

My features hurt, I realized, though I didn't have the strength or will to relax the enraged frown I held. "I hear her voice in every breeze, Julie. I see her face everytime I turn around, on every servent, in every peer. Her scent is always fleeting, and I find myself wandering about the halls trying to catch it again! You do NOT know my pain! You do NOT know what I have been through, and you do NOT know what my intentions are."

I couldn't take it anymore - Julies face of rage and disappointment were blantant before me, and Fallas smile hung before my inner eye. Standing so quickly my chair toppled over backwards, I leaned forward on the table, keeping my hands upon the edging of my side. "You are my family, Julie. Father is my family. If I thought either of you couldn't handle being alone for a few months, then I never would have left." Turning, I left her at the table, pausing at the doorway to say one last thing.

"Falla was my only love - the only one I have ever had, and the only one I shall ever want. If you came only to bully me around and throw Fathers health in my face as a guilt trip to return home, then you can leave."

Never before had I ever spoken to her in such a fashion, but never before had she caused me to want to break down in tears. My voice broke at the last and I hid it as best as I could by steeling it again, bracing myself.

Without bothering to look at her again, I walked out, letting the door to the front entrance slam behind me.

[Julie Deveroix (D)]

When Kendrick's rage blew out of him like an endless sea of pain, I blanched. Gaping as he showed me what was inside, I struggled to keep pace of his words.

Poor Kendrick! Keeping it all inside, for so long and made his hurt, his pain, turn from wine to vinegar.

I hadn't wanted to tell him these things, but when he said the Estate had me, until I'd left, it had hurt my pride that he should throw his responsibilities on me.

As the flow of his hurt came out, as his rage came to me, I felt my lower lip tremble. Leaned on the table, I cried the end of the world, the end of our world. I cried for my beloved brother whose pain was beyond words.

I don't know how long I cried, but a hand rested itself on my shoulder, grounding me back to the City of Elua and out of the dark well of my tears. I looked up to find Jonas looking down at me with kindness.

Without a word, I flung my arms around him, and cried again, the release of the pain. What am I going to do? His hand placed itself gently on my head, stroking it to a calm, and I found my bearings again.

I have got this all wrong.

I placed a tear stricken kiss on Jonas' cheek. "Thank you, my love," I said to him. Deep in thought, I left the dining hall and made for my room. The weariness grew on me, and I cried myself to sleep.

[Kendrick Deveroix]

It was late in the night when I made my way back to the townhouse, stumbling and as drunk as any general carouser, and I had had to stop and ask directions twice. Finally I saw the townhouse looming before me, rising above the ground like the surly Gates of Hell, and my stomach churned at the thought of going inside. Churned? Wobbling backward on unsteady legs, I sat hard on my rear in the middle of the drive, my clothing disheveled and my hair sticking wildly up. No, no thoughts of churning. I didn't think I had anything left in my stomach to vomit - I'd done it the entire walk home.

Sitting on the ground gave me a new perspective of the townhouse, my city home, and I merely sat and staring at it, knowing what was behind the doors... Or what might not be, if I had managed to completely drive her out. Her words had left me in such a rage that I'd fled the townhouse for fear of striking her, and that was not something I would ever, ever do. Shuddering just thinking about it, I bowed my head, ashamed beyond belief at how I'd let my emotions go. Falla has been dead for almost half a year now, yet the pain of it was still like an open wound, festering and leaking fetid juices that seared me wherever they touched... That didn't compare to the self-loathing I held for being angry enough with my baby sister to harm her. I didn't ever want to bring her harm. I didn't to any woman, in all truth.

Sighing, I laid back on the sharp rocks of the drive, welcoming the razor-edged stabs as they pressed up through my clothing. I wanted Falla so badly I hurt, but I knew she'd never come back. I had to accept it. I had to, before I turned into any more of a monster.

My eyes closed with that thought, listening to the gentle sounds of early-spring night life. I have to accept it... I have to acc...

Sleep claimed me, and I fell into it blindly.

[Julie Deveroix (D)]

I was walking and the night was dark. The wind blew wildly and the trees were grabbing at me as I scrambled to make my way home. A hand shook me gently, and I found the maid staring at me wild eyed.

"You were crying in your sleep, calling. I'm sorry, but I could not let you go on," she apologized.

I looked at her in puzzlement. "Who are you? Where am I?"

"My name is Nicole, and you are in Lord Kendrick Deveroix's home," she replied, and with Kendrick's name, it all flowed back to me.

A wind of panic struck me. Where did he go? "Nicole, did Lord Kendrick return?"

She did not dare look at me and I knew something was amiss. "Nicole, where is he?" I insisted as I grabbed her by the shoulders and grabbed her like a apple tree until she told me.

I ran down to the drive, still dressed in last night's breeches. There he was, sleeping in the drive, his body broken from all he'd taken, likely so.

I walked to Jonas' room and woke him, no thinking a moment of admiring his strong body as he promptly dressed. Together, with Nicole holding the lamp, we took him to his room.

Oh Kendrick ! What have you done to yourself? He did not so much as fidget when we moved him, he must have drunk so much.

My body ached as I helped Jonas carry his body up the stairs, and I did not complain. It was why I'd come, and I was not budging. There would be no way I would abandon Kendrick, I thought as I pained up the stairs.

I'm not letting you go, brother.

When Jonas had laid him on his bed, I cleaned his face of the muck, worried he might stifle himseld in more. Very gently, I removed his boots, and tucked him in with my lightest touch, for fear of waking him.

His waking would be painful. Sitting at his desk, I wrote a letter and gave it to be sent to the Estate, then wrote another note which I set on his nightstand.

"Kendrick, brother dear,

I'm sorry I pushed you beyond your limit. When you are ready, call for me and I will come.

I have resolved not to ask you to come home again for now, but there is still much for us to discuss.

Rest assured of my best intentions,

Your loving little sister."

I left it where he would see it and brushed his cheek with my eyes and left the room. I have a lot of work to do.

[Kendrick Deveroix]

The walls were white around me, a bright, searing white that made me shield my eyes. Pain laced through me, weariness, anger, frustration, resentment... An entire mixing pot churned through my body, and I gritted my teeth, fighting to keep standing.

"Kendrick..." For a moment I forgot to cover my eyes, forgot the emotions battling inside of me as I whipped around, my eyes gone wide at the voice. Falla.

It repeated, causing me to whip again, my vision beginning to go black around the edges from the pure inability of being able to withstand the light, but I dared not stop looking. There! A figure, just barely within sight, soft and supple, everything I remember. My lips trembled, and though I fought, I found I couldn't move from the spot I was rooted to.

"Heal, Kendrick. Heal." No more would she say, no closer would she come, but as the blackness closed in around my vision I could see love in her features, compassion and caring, and slowly I understood. Crying out to her as the last vistage of my sight left me, I fell, falling when I should have hit the floor, falling into an abyss that was not hellish in making.

Clang!

With a groan, I opened my eyes again, trying to find her faint outline once more... Where in the seven hells was ... My townhouse. Glancing around the room, I found a scarlet-faced maid in the corner staring at me in horror, utterly ashamed of having awaken me with the noise. Before any apologies could be murmured, I opened my mouth, calling for water with a voice that didn't sound like mine. The maid, Nicole I think her name was, - everything was fuzzy at the moment - brought me the water, and a note from my sister. Thanking her quietly, I groaned as I struggled to sit up, my head pounding like an Eglantine musician was seated behind my temples. Sipping at the water with one hand and reading the letter with the other, I sighed inwardly, then looked back to Nicole.

"Please," I said, handing her the letter back, "Bring her to me."

[Julie Deveroix (D)]

I'd been up early, and was trying to find something on which to spend my energy when Nicole came, panting like the devils from the nine hells were at her heels.

"Lord Kendrick is calling for you," she said.

I thanked her and grumbled something about toughening up the staff, and made for the stairs. I'd undone my braid for comfort, and had passed on clean pants.

I pushed the door open softly, and stood in the door.

[Kendrick Deveroix]

Pushing aside the headache that had to be splitting my very skull apart, I stood up as Julie came in, realizing for the first time that I was still dressed in yesterdays clothes. Oh well. At least I wasn't nude and unconsience.

I stared at her for a long moment as she stood in the door, one hand leaning against the bedside table. I didn't know what exactly should be said, for women could be strange creatures, and I honestly didn't know if either of us said anything that warrented an apology. Instead, I looked at her breeches, then back up at her.

"Tan isn't your color."

A crude attempt at a joke, but my wit was in a sorry state right now.

[Julie Deveroix (D)]

I smiled softly and walked over to my big brother.

"Easy there, Tiger. No need to stand up for me, I'm no royalty," I said as I walked over to him. I pushed him gently so he would sit back on the bed and asked "How do you feel?"

[Kendrick Deveroix]

As much as sitting sounded good, I held my standing position, preferring to try and clear my head out with small movements. "Like my head is breaking in two," I said truthfully, then gave up and sat down. "It's my own fault, though. How are you doing?"

[Julie Deveroix (D)]

"Like I unleashed the legions of hell. But I knew to expect that when I came," I replied with a wink.

"I'm annoyed that you took it all out on yourself though. Please don't do that again," I added with all the worry of the night in my voice.

[Kendrick Deveroix]

I blinked, looking at her in mild confusement. "I didn't take it all out on myself. I took it out on you too, to which I shouldn't have. Not to that extent, anyway."

[Julie Deveroix (D)]

I shrugged. "I deserved at least part of it. It was awkward of me to let us fall in that line of discussion."

I put my hand behind my neck, rubbing the stiff muscles as I thought aloud, "Part of me knew you couldn't come home yet, and although I wouldn't admit it to myself, I was prepared to stay as long as it was necessary. I should have made it clear to you, but I didn't."

I sat next to him and added "You are hard on yourself, Kendrick."

I looked at his face, hoping he would understand what I was trying to tell him. It was clear to me, but saying it was difficult.

[Kendrick Deveroix]

I looked her in the eye, knowing without having to be told what she referred to.

"I know." Turning my gaze elsewhere, I stood again, hissing slightly at the throb the small movement sent through my temples. "I know." The repeated words slipped out of my lips as I walked past her, heading to my closet to get a clean set of clothing to don after she'd left. I didn't really care what they looked like, but my fingers chose for me, picking out a soft wool shirt and a pair of drab grey pants.

Glancing over to her as I emerged, I sighed, letting the clothes drop into a crumpled heap on one of the sitting chairs. "I'll try not to be from now on, I promise." Fallas voice rang in my ears, and I shook my head to clear it for fear of reliving the dream.

[Julie Deveroix (D)]

"You don't need to promise, Kendrick," I said as I got up from the dress and walked to the door. I'll be there to keep that in check, brother.

I stopped in the door frame and looked down at my pants. I frowned, then shrugged. Tan wasn't my color, he was right, but it didn't matter much to me.

"When you're done bathing and changing, would you join me in the garden? It's a beautiful day, and there will be a large mug of coffee with your name on it waiting for you," I said, my hand on the door frame. "Lifting my eyebrow in a comical stance, I added "And by the way, those pants look awful."

Without waiting for his reply, I left him to his intimacy with a smile and and a chuckle. My big brother had had enough emotions for the day, and I intended to make it easy on him.

[Kendrick Deveroix]

With a groan as she left the room, I immediatly locked the door behind her should any other servents attempt to pass through, then unclothed myself. Bit by bit, piece by piece, I stripped down, standing finally in naught but natures blessings.

A stale basin of water stood on the stand beside my bed, a bar of caked soap in the drawer below, and without hesitation I began to sponge bath, washing away the grime of yesterday. Did I have to promise? Not to her, specifically, but saying it aloud helped strengthen my resolve, and as such I very much did have to.

Within a few moments I was clean enough to pass, and I dressed with languid ease. My head throbbed, though I immediatly pushed aside thoughts of herbs to relieve it - it was my own pennance, self-given and well deserved. Exiting the room after my boots had been strapped on, I went to the kitchens to beg a partial loaf of bread from the cook on staff, then walked to the garden with it, eating gingerly.

[Julie Deveroix (D)]

I'd been striding around the garden, trying to find a tree worthy of my attentions, and was in the process of climbing up a solid willow when Kendrick showed up. Not waiting for him to tell me to get down, I jumped to the ground lightly and came to him, picking up my half drunk mug of coffee as I went.

"You and I both have terrible taste in pants, this morning," I said by way of greeting. He looked better, and I was happy that he did.

"Here, as promised", I observed as I handed him the largest mug in the house, filled with a frothy coffee instants before he came.

Settling down idly, my leg lazily hanging from the armrest, I held the mug with both hands and smiled at my older brother. "So, Tiger, what will it be? May I stay for a while?"

[Kendrick Deveroix]

Giving Julie a level look as I took the mug, I sighed, sipping gingerly at the liquid. "I suppose," I said reluctantly, teasing though I did as I could to keep it out of my voice. "On two conditions: One, when you leave the house, you dress properly - not for me, but for the Deveroix name." Taking another sip, I hid a grin behind the rim. "And two, you shall address me as Sir at all times. My Lord will work, too."

[Julie Deveroix (D)]

I arched my brow in interest. Dress properly? "If you mean I should avoid looking as dusty as I did yesterday, that is something I can garantee you," I answered toughtfully. Then I added "My Lord-Sir," and stuck out my tongue, before I broke out in a light laugh.

[Kendrick Deveroix]

I grunted at her, a responce I'd taken to as a child when she said something that she knew damn well wasn't to the heart of what I had meant.

"That too," I said around a mouthful of the bread, grinning.

[Julie Deveroix (D)]

I groaned. "You can't possibly suggest?" My eyes stared at him in bewilderment.

My big brother knew how I hated to wear dresses. I shuddered at the thought.

[Kendrick Deveroix]

I took my time in replying, rather enjoying mix of astonishment and repulsion that played across her face.

"You know it," I said, not bothering to hide the open grin that came out on my face.

[Julie Deveroix (D)]

I picked up a stray spoon from the table and threw it at him with a chuckle. "That is out of the question. Don't ask a bird to swim when all they can do is fly. Besides, this is so much more comfortable," I said as I settled myself, heels under my thighs, hands on my knees, feigning utter concentration.

[Kendrick Deveroix]

Had I not had bread in one hand and coffee in the other, I would have been able to catch the spoon, however as laden as I was it bounced off my chest, clattering noisely to the decorative cobblestone below. Ignoring it, I gave her a wry look, setting the mug down in the case that she wanted to throw something else at me in the near future.

"Had you read books in our youth rather than climbing trees and causing mischief, you would know that there are some birds who do swim." My voice was dry, though I couldn't help the humor. "Besides, it is not as if you cannot as you claim. You simply chose not to, which lends more to the stubborn streak in you rather than any sort of ability." Bending down to retrieve the spoon, I waggled it at her. "Breeches are fine for country estates, but are awkward at best for the City. What of our soon-to-be Queens coronation celebration? Do you honestly plan to attend wearing a pair of mens pants?"

I gave her an incredulous look, serious, though not upset with her. She was who she was and I did not want to change it, but that did not mean that I didn't want to head off any unpleasantness for her if I could. Let her be angry with me - it was better than suffering any humiliation that might come from the peers of the realm and public eye.

[Julie Deveroix (D)]

Arms crossed to my chest, I shrugged and grunted something under my breath about the interest of living rather then reading.

"I can wear gowns when required, Tiger," I said moodily. "I guess I could make an exception for Court, but I will not do it daily. Besides, some breeches can be very elegant."

[Kendrick Deveroix]

Her moodiness coupled with the reminder of the last time she wore a gown nearly made me snap, my anger and hurt flaring anew like a wildfire born of gas and dry tinder. With a struggle I calmed myself, refraining from answering her for a long moment until the pounding of my heart quelled.

"I know very well of the last time you wore a dress," I said, surprising myself by keeping all emotions from my voice, "And I do not see how it even matters, or why it should be brought up. Dress in breeches if it pleases you - I'm through trying to talk sense into your mule-headed self."

Setting the bread down on the table, and honestly a little pleased that it was only partially torn from my grip, I took my coffee and busied myself with drinking it.

[Julie Deveroix (D)]

I frowned at myself and took another sip of coffee. It mattered to me. Kendrick always behaved like he had the monopoly of grief, but in truth, I had lost a friend when he had lost a lover. I'd never liked wearing gowns, but now wearing one was the reminder of funerals, tears and mourning, and I despised the garment even more.

I shrug it off. My affection for him mattered more then quarrelling about who grieved more. Tapping the side of the mug, I went on despite his moodiness. "Tell you what, maybe some brilliant seamstress can come up with a solution that will please both of us. If you have any suggestions, I'll go and see what can be done. What do you think?"

Anyway, I'd need to get a few gowns done if I was to go to court, I thought.