Afternoon Excursion

[Navarre nó Mandrake]

Listening and staring at her in disbelief I thought, How can she be saying this, she admires me because of who I am? It made some sort of weird sense, the love of beauty, but I had never thought that one could admire me, with all my faults, as someone beautiful.

Realizing I hadn't answered her I stumbled for the words, "Well, I uh, I never actually thought of that, to be honest." looking away from her momentarily, embarrassed as hell and feeling quite odd for it.

"I don't know what to say, really." I told her, taking a deep breath, thinking it best to explain something. "I've never had anyone really show me kindness," I half-whispered, looking away as I felt the hatred of my past come to my mind, "I was a very angry child, mostly because I grew up hating my mother for dying, for abandoning us the way she did. But I also despised my brother, hated him really, for being so good and soft-hearted all the time. Nothing was ever easy for me, and in fact I wanted it to be hard. I hated everyone around me, I hated where I grew up and I hated who I was. And the worst of it is that I felt justified in feeling as I did." I told her, looking back to her, the pain of years of guilt evident in the set of my shoulders and the look in my eyes.

"The day I left I almost killed my own brother, I hated him so much. If I hadn't left I might have finished the job, given half the chance." I told her, "I don't know how he could ever forgive me for treating him as I did, but I don't hate him any more." I said, pausing briefly, "I guess you can probably see now, why it's so hard for me to believe that someone could appreciate me the way you say." I said, running my hand through my hair with the frustration of it all.

[Géraldine Grangier]

Oh, Navarre…

He was looking at me, dumbfounded, and I had a moment of concern that he would indeed think I was making fun of him, when I wasn’t, no, I wasn’t at all. And then, he spoke, fumbling for his words, finding his assurance, pouring himself out to me.

I listened to him, to all of him, loving him a little bit more with every word he said, because he breathed of sincerity wrapped in guilt. Oh, Navarre…. The more he spoke, and the more I wanted to take him, fold him in my arms, give him that love he’d been denied, somehow… I wanted to mend him. It was my nature, my Eisandine nature calling to me, making me care for him as deeply as though he were my oldest friend, my dearest friend.

Quickly, my mind processed what he said, I pondered it, not wanting to let my silence be too long, lest he believe I hated him for his confession. He must have been no older than 8 or 9 years old, still a little child when those events happened. There was something dark in him, no doubt, and it had taken him over in the loneliness, the lovelessness of his life, but today, it was channeled into the dark arts of his House. He had control, along with a good measure of self-loathing. Oh, how his pain touched me – and how I understood it, no matter how different we were.

My hand extended towards him, and I left it on the table, giving him the opportunity for touch, if he wanted it – but not forcing it on him. My eyes were planted in his, and shimmering a little in sincere emotion as I spoke in my softest, gentlest voice, trying to pour into it all the care he’d just summoned in me.

“Navarre…” I said his name as though I’d said the most soothing thing, “Navarre, you can’t see that one may love you, because…” how could I tell him? He hated himself so much, it was so heavy on him… “because you never forgave the child you were, for what you did. But you are no longer that person – you no longer hate your brother. Instead, you’ve turned it all within…” I paused. Would I have reacted differently? I didn’t know. I had a loving mother, and she had died of hard work, most likely, but there was no hate in me, there never had been. Although, if the wheels had turned differently…

“Navarre, I don’t know what I would have done, in your place. But I know that I do not hate you for what you are and for what you did,” I told him delicately. “Rather…” I hesitated, weighing the implications of my words, “I love you for the courage you had to tell me, and for the heart that beats in your chest, that told you to honor me with your trust. Deep down, the Navarre that is sitting with me this instant is a handsome, charming and decent man – who only needs to find forgiveness for himself. I believed you were beautiful before. Now, I know that you are.”

I'd said the latter with a small smile and a bit of bewilderment at myself. It was the second time Navarre had made me say outright what was in my heart - when I usually kept my affection to myself, unless it was with Aaliyah.

I was realizing that being secretive with him was rather impossible. Maybe it was because contrary to Darien, he did not make me fear for my heart.

[Navarre nó Mandrake]

I listened to her, grateful to hear that she wasn't going to reject me for my past, the way some people did when they found out. As she spoke she reached her hand out to me, the acceptance in her voice filling me with a calmness that I hadn’t felt in years. And feeling a yearning rise in me for the comfort of that simple gesture I suddenly felt my hand touch hers; barely even realizing I had moved, my fingers brushing hers lightly, hesitantly, before settling in her open grasp.

Even though I knew I could probably tell her anything, I knew also that I couldn’t burden her with all my troubles. Already feeling guilty that I had put this much on her, I nodded, knowing she was right, my gaze meeting hers as she finished talking. As undeserving of her love as I felt I was she was giving it anyway, unquestioningly, and the force of it left me breathless with awe.

I looked away from her, her eyes shining so brightly I had to look elsewhere to clear my head, “I hope you’re right, Geraldine,” I said, looking back at her, “I hope that one day I can see for myself what you see in me.” I told her, a look of sorrow flashing briefly across my face before I forced a smile to take its place.

[Géraldine Grangier]

The faintest touch of his hand, and I smiled more gently, glad that he allowed at least this, returning his touch with the softest hold, one he could break at his whim. He looked away, and I that instant I feared I’d done wrong, but his eyes settled back on me, and I what I saw told he I’d struck him.

Love, I guess, is a scary thing, for one such as him. I didn’t want to scare him – I wanted him to stop hating himself so much, because he didn’t deserve all that hate. He had pain, a great deal of it, and if I’d had more courage, I would have done something more, but I didn’t – and I didn’t want to crowd him.

“I know I’m right,” I told him with a teasing look of defiance that seeked out all my mirth, “and one day, you will see it and feel it for yourself,” I added gently.

I knew why I wasn’t afraid of getting my heart broken with him. If he didn’t love himself, he could hardly love anyone else, I wagered.

[Navarre nó Mandrake]

Drawing my hand back to my lap I composed my face as a serving girl came to take our order. I waited for Geraldine to order first, but I already knew I'd have my usual drink and a light meal of braised lamb and baby potatoes.

When I could I stole a look at Geraldine, her eyes full of compassion and empathy, even then. I'd never seen it's equal and it unsettled me. It also intrigued me; for one I had never been on the receiving end of compassion, and the other thing was that it had all come about so suddenly. I felt an unexplainable affection for her, and gratitude for the fact that she could so easily accept me as I was.

[Géraldine Grangier]

The girl was pretty, soft spoken, and I noted with amused eyes that she was quite visibly both attracted and fearful of Navarre. Grinning, I asked, "Tell me, do you have pumpkin soup, today?" She nodded, and I ordered it, along with toasted bread.

I looked at Navarre, smiling still, and explained, "I eat light, in the middle of the day."

The lass was waiting, and I gave him a look of askance.

[Navarre nó Mandrake]

"Hmm," was my brief reply, I didn't mind what she liked, and it sounded good anyway so what was I to say otherwise. I gave the girl my order, not paying too much attention to her as usual, just glad that she would be off on her errand in a moment.

As soon as she left I turned my attention back to Geraldine, regarding her with a look of my own, thinking to myself that it seemed she ate like a bird, but she could probably eat as much as I could given half the chance. "Well, that is what I call light, but that's just it; I can eat like that all day and still be hungry." I told her, a smile returning to my face.

[Géraldine Grangier]

What Navarre ordered seemed lovely, and so I smiled, almost jealous of his appetite - which he then clearly described almost as a curse. That made me smile.

"Hungry like the wolf?" I teased, smiling and letting my eyes caress him. Wolfish wasn't a bad analogy, I found. He was handsome and beautiful like a feral animal, had a soul that could be loyal, if he let it... He was predatory, and slick - I assumed he was strong as well. Yes, it was a good analogy, I decided.

[Navarre nó Mandrake]

"That's what they say," I told her, chuckling and leaning back in my chair, resting an arm over the back of it as I did, "for more than one reason actually, but true enough," the ease at which she was able to tease at a drop of a hat was truly delightful and I found myself relaxing again, playful even despite the tension I had felt a few moments ago.

[Géraldine Grangier]

“They?” I repeated, smiling wide. “I always wondered who they were, those people who said so many things to shape our lives. I try to avoid giving them too much free reign,” I noted, half seriously, half jesting.

“Besides, if they had their way, this one Heliotrope would be locked up in her quarters, dreaming of Prince Charming, wallowing the day away in languid boredom, while she could be enjoying lunch with the most seductive adept she’s met… in a long time.”

[Navarre nó Mandrake]

"Ah, that wouldn't do," I replied, an eyebrow raising at yet another compliment, but kept talking, "I'd play Prince Charming and rescue you from your fate, sweep you off your feet and take you away." I said, tilting a nod in her direction with a mock half bow to complete the scene.

[Géraldine Grangier]

I grinned, and said, "Are you sure? Those are big shoes to fill, Navarre," I teased again. "I will accept, but only if you have a white horse to take me into the sunset with. If you do," I lifted my nose in mock snobbishness, taking a tone that was beyond ridiculous, "I may yet consider your offer."

[Navarre nó Mandrake]

"Well, I can do my best," I told her, laughing a little, "I'll be the first to admit that I'm not perfect, heck for starters I don't even have a horse." I said, enjoying the game, her silly snobbish behavior making me grin.

[Géraldine Grangier]

"You don't even have a horse?" I asked in mock outrage. "Well, if you have a donkey, I may give you a chance to bid for the honor of carrying me off - but only because I have a soft spot for you."

I tried to keep a straight face, but the corners of my lips were going up despite my best efforts - the mental image of Navarre, riding a donkey, was too much to bear. Rather, I saw him on a dark steed, fast and graceful - it was the natural choice to think on.

It was all in jest. I had never cared for station and belongings.