Backstory: Unexpected reprieves [Kai]

[Arianna Corelli]

I gave him my most direct stare then. "Yes. No. A little. I don't know. Should I? All my instincts say I shouldn't because if they ever tell you to do something against me, you'll have to whether you like it or not."

[Kai “Ill-Begotten” Ungewollt]

“You know,” I said quietly, “I hate to break it up to you, Arianna, but you are only one of many captives. If anything, I will lie and tell them that I used you as my sex slave, and that will end it.”

I shuffled my foot at the ground, embarrassed. I could lie. I could absolutely lie.

And they'd believe it, too.

Even if I'd never taken anyone in my life.

[Arianna Corelli]

The words made a shiver run down my spine and I glanced up at him with new eyes, wondering what was the worst he'd done? Perhaps not that, he looked rather abashed, even a closeted up prude like me could tell.

"Have you tried getting away with that particular lie before? With some other, more trusting person? Have you done worse than that?"

[Kai “Ill-Begotten” Ungewollt]

“Some bad things, a man must do in war, Arianna, so that he can do good things elsewhere. Some questions are best left unanswered.”

I took a breath and looked away, touched my harp reflexively, begging comfort from the inert instrument. I could hear the screams.

“You have enough hatred in you,” I added. “They'd believe you just as they'd believe me, if it came to that, and that would be enough to convince them.”

[Arianna Corelli]

That didn't sound too promising, so he had done worse than taking someone against their will. Had he tortured them to death? It was so hard to reconcile that thought with the introverted man before me now.

I began to hum a dirge, idly plucking up sheaves of grass with force. "You're brave enouh to lie to them but not enough to leave them." It wasn't a question, just a simple observation. How long could he continue living like that?

[Kai “Ill-Begotten” Ungewollt]

It wasn't about courage, or was it? I didn't live in fear. I lived in habit.

I shrugged, then.

“Are you trying to stir my temper, Arianna? Don't waste your efforts. I don't get angry at women, and much less at women who remind me of my mother.”

[Arianna Corelli]

I looked up at that, then began to weave the blades of grass into a ring.

"What was she like, your mother?"

[Kai “Ill-Begotten” Ungewollt]

“I don't know,” I replied quietly. “D'Angeline. Lonely. Hurt. Angry, probably, too. That's all I know. She died when I was a babe.”

I shrugged and caressed the wood of my harp, trying to find my footing with the conversation through a touch of a familiar and beloved object.

[Arianna Corelli]

It was a delicate subject, one probably best left alone, since I was neither delicate nor had very good relations with my own mother. It did make me speculate though, if she had lived to raise him, then maybe he would have defected by now.

Instead, I nodded towards the harp. "How'd you learn to play?"

[Kai “Ill-Begotten” Ungewollt]

I shrugged. “The woman who raised me was a widow. She worshipped her husband.”

I was still touching the harp, fingers lightly tracing the fine engravings along the crown. “I suppose she preferred to let me use the harp, rather than let it go to waste with dust and neglect.”

A pause, again. “It was his.”

I'd always imagined that Hanneke's dead bard must have been a decent man. I never quite knew how he'd died – but there were rumors that he'd never taken much to fighting.

[Arianna Corelli]

I watched as his fingers brushed along the harp, as though it was an old friend of his from which he drew solace.

"Was she kind to you?"

[Kai “Ill-Begotten” Ungewollt]

“Kind enough,” the response came, naturally, easily, as if I was used to answering such a question.

I was.

Kind enough not to let me die, kind enough not to starve me, kind enough to let me play with the harp, once I'd known an knack for it.

Kind enough.

Not loving, though – I didn't think. But one can't miss what one has never known.

[Arianna Corelli]

I nodded, hearing the unsaid words. That he had merely been tolerated and cared for to the extent that he was raised with all the necessary skills needed for life, and the harp I suppose, was a little extra.

"Kind enough," I echoed. "Sounds like my mother."

[Kai “Ill-Begotten” Ungewollt]

It seemed that Arianna wanted to speak, and I leaned my elbows on my knees, let go the harp, and tucked my hands under my chin.

I made a soft sound, indicating that I was listening, but not pressing.

I couldn't imagine her not having been cared for – was she not a rich Serenissiman princess, from all she'd told me? Certainly, she would have been doted on.

[Arianna Corelli]

When he didn't make any remarks, I shrugged and continued on, as though he had asked a question anyway. "I'd rather she weren't my blood mother, then I could at least understand why she disliked me so."

[Kai “Ill-Begotten” Ungewollt]

I couldn't help but think that if she was as acerbic to her kin as she'd been with me, perhaps that was part of the explanation. I'd no way to know, though, so all I could do was ask her a question.

I tried to be gentle about it.

“Did she beat you, then? Were you not fed and clothed? Or were you left to die on the corner of a street?”

That, to me, was enough. And part of me wondered if I wasn't talking with an absolutely spoiled brat. Even Skaldia had those, younglings so loved by their parents that they were convinced that they were clan leaders in their own rights.

Some had the knack for it, and talent for leadership, and those were dangerous.

Others didn't – those were just annoying.

[Arianna Corelli]

I made a face. "Not in recent years." Oh, I'd had beatings before, and lately the occasional striking of my hands when I annoyed her, but never anything to leave marks now. As soon as I'd grown into womanhood I had to be absolutely unblemished physically to be a suitable bride. Even more so to please a D'Angeline... I stopped that thought from going any further and shrugged. How did one describe the psychologically and emotionally abusive woman who was my mother?

"She's... cold." I offered inadequately.

[Kai “Ill-Begotten” Ungewollt]

So get a blanket, I almost said, but then I bit my lip, and said nothing for a bit.

“Then you probably don't miss her,” I said quietly, “and so you are angry because you lost your comforts, not your family.”

Which, suddenly, seemed incredibly shallow to me. I'd have sooner it be about people.

[Arianna Corelli]

My eyes flashed with anger at his assumption. True, I did not miss my family but I cared not for the double edged sword of luxury my position had hitherto afforded. I would rather be poor with a family that loved me.

"I am angry," I began in a low voice. "Because I am here against my will; because my betrothed was killed before my eyes and because I've left behind the one friend who truly cared about me. So don't you dare make your presumptions."

[Kai “Ill-Begotten” Ungewollt]

I shrugged, looked back at her evenly.

“You are angry and here against your will. Many of us are, Arianna.” I reached and looked at the ground, I scuffed at it with my foot, then looked up again.

“Did you love him?”

[Arianna Corelli]

The anger fled at his question. My feelings, when it came to Fiacre, were confusing. I'd hardly known him, yet he'd protected me. I'd seen a glimpse of the man he was, a genuine and rare kindness. I felt like I would have come to love him if circumstances had turned out the way they were supposed to. Certainly, in those few days I'd known him he'd managed to get under my defences.

"I did not know him long enough to love him," my voice was emotionless, numb as I remembered the day of the abduction, his last proper words that had given me hope before it all went wrong. "He was good to me, and I respected him, and sometimes when I am weak enough to dream, I think maybe I might actually have been happy with him."

[Kai “Ill-Begotten” Ungewollt]

“Sometimes it's best not to dwell on the past,” I said tiredly, “wondering what might have been is a dangerous exercise.”

But there was more to be said, and hands still on the harp, which I was thinking of putting away, now, I added, “But have my sympathies, nonetheless. Even if they're probably meaningless.”

[Arianna Corelli]

"Thank you," my eyes stayed locked on the floor and I didn't dare to say anything else. He had surprised me, yet again, because despite myself I actually believed his sincerity. Dangerous, dangerous ground Arianna, you cannot afford to be soft towards him in the slightest. I could not afford to be partial to someone who had the means and skills to leave, whatever his reasons, and yet did not do so.

"Will they not be looking for you now?" I asked, standing.

[Kai “Ill-Begotten” Ungewollt]

“And for you,” I replied, nodding. “You should go pick those berries, before the woman notices. But have these, too. It'll be faster.”

I reached with a bag full of pickings from the morning and emptied it in her basket.

“Go. I don't want you getting lashed.”

[Arianna Corelli]

Before I could protest he poured a flood of berries into my basket, enough to make my job a good deal easier. How he had the time to do it himself, I didn't know.

"Thank you," I said again, a little more awkwardly this time, then because I felt I had to, "it was... good, speaking to you."

Then before I could botch it any further I left.