Cassiel's Choice: End of Exile

[Émile d’Ames]

I was meditating in my room when he came to fetch me, not a messenger boy, but a guard, clad in the livery of House Courcel. This particular fellow had stayed close to me throughout my exile. I very much doubted he could have kept me from escaping the palace if I had chosen to do so, but orders were orders.

I had not been demonstrating a talent for following orders as of late.

"Messire d'Ames, the Queen wishes for you to attend her to-day," he said, and then, adding in a hushed whisper. "I saw the Lord Prefect himself in attendance, sir, and there is a Cassiline waiting outside to escort you. I reckon the Prefect isn't pleased..."

Well, there was no swear word which could accurately portray my feelings on the matter, so I settled for a muttered merde before nodding to my caller. "Very well, thank you for telling me, but I need a moment to prepare myself, would you mind?"

He nodded and withdrew, and I began the familiar routine of dressing myself in my Cassiline garb. I had often complained that the traditional garments were itchy, but now they were like a second skin--a tougher skin. I carefully attached the vambraces, my daggers, the sword which I had never had cause to draw but still felt like a part of me. I deftly tied my hair back into the traditional club using a length of black cord.

I glanced at my reflection in the mirror. I did not recognize the man who stared back at me. He was dressed like a Cassiline, to be sure, and his features resembled mine, but he was altogether too thin from fasting and there were dark circles around his eyes from lack of sleep, all signs of a Cassiline engaged in making penance for his sins.

I bowed stiffly to my reflection in the mirror, arms crossed in the Cassiline manner, and then I left my room, cognizant of the fact that it was quite possible that this would be the last day I would make use of that room.

I recognized the Brother they had sent to fetch me--Richard, the man that I had nearly killed all those years ago. I saw that he could not quite hide the triumphant smirk that he gave me as he came towards us, but a trained eye could see that he was heavily favouring his right side--that was my doing, my small victory.

"So good to see you, Emile," he said as he fell into step beside me, adding, in a whisper. "The Prefect is going to roast you over the coals, Brother."

"Are you still hurting on your left side?" I asked nonchalantly, and I had the satisfaction of watching his smirk twist into a scowl. The ass deserved it, as far as I was concerned.

We paused then, not at the door to Her Majesty's private chambers, but close by, where I knew she received guests. Richard went inside first, and I was left alone with my self-appointed guardian, waiting like a condemned prisoner while the executioner filled my cup with poison.

"Messire?" I was distracted from my thoughts by the guard's voice, his smile was hesitant, yet somehow reassuring. "Good luck."

"Thank you," I said, grinning unexpectedly. "Luck has been in short supply for me lately, and I need it more than ever, now."

[Prefect Sache Adolphe]

My lips pressed tightly together, I stood and waited for emile to be brought to us. I knew the thin line of my lips was the only outward sign of my fury, and anyone who knew me would be aware of the magnitude of my anger by that single sign.

My breathing was even more from habit than anything else. My eyes stayed trained on the door, unwilling to look away and at the Queen as we waited. i would rather have done this without her present, but it was unavoidable.

[Sabrina de la Courcel (D)]

The month had come and Emile was free to resume his regular post, but after the back and forth of letters between the Prefect and I, he decided to come to confront Emile himself. I wasn't entirely sure how the event would go, unsure as to what the Prefect would say or do; they worked independantly of the royal houses. I hope that at worse Emile would only recieve a hard tongue thrashing, hoping that that would be enought to set him straight and think more clearly the next time he decided to do something like this. The look on the Prefect's face was quite a sight though, trapped some where between passive and furocious; either way we waited for Emile to enter.

[Émile d’Ames]

I had just finished mouthing a prayer to every god in Terre d'Ange when the door was yanked open and Richard gave me a glare that could have melted ice in Skaldia.

"Well, come on, then! We're all waiting to watch you grovel like the dog you are!" He hissed before seizing my wrist and pulling me inside. I felt his grip slacken as the door was shut behind me, the shuffling of his footsteps telling me that he had taken his place off to one side. I did not like not having him in my line of sight, but I had little choice in the matter.

The fact that I knew most of the men in the room did not help matters. I had known them since boyhood, companions, brothers-in-arms, friends, even. Some of them attempted to feign disinterest as I passed, but I glimpsed something strangely reassuring beneath the dour expressions of some of the others. The rest looked like they would happily beat me to death if the Prefect so much as looked their way.

But that was not the worst of it, the fact that the Queen herself was to witness my...humiliation...was what pained me the most. I could have endured the stares of all the brethren in Terre d'Ange, as long as my ward was not present to witness it. It was a trial to keep from looking at her, but I knew I would be chastised for it.

I crossed the room and knelt upon the cold floor, bowing to the Prefect in the Cassiline manner. I did not have to look up at him to know that he was furious. His fury was writ upon his body, in his posture, in the very air that surrounded him.

Well, there was no sense in making idle conversation when everyone in this room knew why I had been summoned here.

"My Lord Prefect," I began. "I can guess why you have come, and I would just like to say that if I am in violation of my oath-sworn vows, I pray that your justice is swift, although it is more than I deserve." It would have been easier to say that I was in violation of my vows, which I suppose I was else he would not be here, but I would not say it, I would not admit defeat.

[Sabrina de la Courcel (D)]

I had to smile gently, faintly, fleetingly at seeing Emile as he was. I had a bit of a soft spot for him and it was hard to see him in such a state; but I kept myself from speaking, letting ettiquette slide in favour of letting a solution be found for this mess.

[Prefect Sache Adolphe]

"If?" I asked, the word balanced in the air on the cold steel of my voice.

I let the moment stretch, looking not at Emile but through him.

"I think perhaps it would be quicker to list the vows you have not violated than those you have," I said finally. "You are to be removed from your posting here and return with me. You were given the most sacred of wards and the most honored of duties, both of which you failed. The city is too much for you it seems. will we return immediately.'

[Émile d’Ames]

I had feared he would have cast me out forthwith, as it was, this was merciful. He was giving me the opportunity to atone for my sins. Perhaps, perhaps if I learned discipline, I would be allowed to serve again.

I suspect that any brother in my place would have accepted the offer, forsaken the City of Elua, given up all contact with one's family for a time. In truth, I deserved less, this was generous, a part of me wanted that second chance: "Take it, Emile, take it! What is family? What is one city compared to the chance to serve again?"

My heart seemed like a heavy weight on my chest as I sighed. "My Lord Prefect, I--" I bowed again. "I have nothing but the utmost respect for you, but I fear this is an order I must disobey." I looked up at him, meeting his cold fury with my own resolve. "I have never failed to protect and serve, my lord, and I will not break this vow, not even for you. You ask too much of me."

Stupid, stupid Emile! Take it back, damn you and your damnable pride! Apologize, it's not too late! No, it was too late, what was said, was said. I could not take it back, and I refused to run away like a coward.

[Sabrina de la Courcel (D)]

My smile faded and I knit my brows feeling less like the Queen and more like some silly girl with each passing moment. I kept quiet though, my gaze drifting between Emile and the Prefect, wondering what would come of the situation. I certainly didn't want Emile to be in trouble; I was no Cassiline myself so I did not understand their vows the way they did. In my mind Emile had done his pennance, I didn't think it warented being shuffled off back to the country side for more.

[Prefect Sache Adolphe]

"You are mistaken in thinking that this is something I am asking of you, Emile," I replied icily.

I took a step closer to him, a small step in reality, but not so small in how it positioned me to him. He was in reach of physical punishment now.

"You are relieved of your position here Emile. Where you serve and whom you watch over is not of your own chosing, or perhaps you have forgotten this along with all the other aspects of your duty. A duty which you swore before Cassiel to uphold, a duty which you accepted knowing the rules, knowing what was expected of you." My lips pressed tightly together again for a moment.

"The Brotherhood may not be the easiest life, but it is one of honor. You lost your honor Emile. How can you expect to be left to protect our Queen when you've already proven that your honor and attention can be taken by the flit of a skirt and bat of an eye? The Monarchy has already been attacked recently, where would you have been if another attacked had happened?"

[Émile d’Ames]

I knew that becoming angry and shouting at him would not help matters, but by all the gods, I think I would have preferred it if he had struck me.

"Where would I be, my Lord Prefect? I would be pulling my sword out from between the ribs of any would-be assassin. When Her Majesty does meet her end, many years from now, it will be from natural causes. Or does Cassiel expect me to protect her from old age as well?" He was close enough to strike me, and where once I would have cowered at his close proximity to my person, now I felt nothing but anger.

[Prefect Sache Adolphe]

"All Cassiel expects of you is that you uphold the vows you gave," I answered. "Leaving the Queen unguarded while you lay in the bed of some woman was not one of those vows." My voice became tighter with each word.

"Go out to the carriage Emile, your things can be sent later."

[Émile d’Ames]

I was pretty sure my expression was one of barely controlled rage, if that. Before I could stop myself, I was on my feet. "I did not lie with that woman!" I exclaimed, it took real effort on my part to remain in the at ease position, but I managed. "And I already told you, my Lord Prefect, I will not break faith with my ward. I'll not move from this spot until she says otherwise."

[Prefect Sache Adolphe]

"Perhaps your real problem Emile is with your hearing, for you cannot even hear the words being spoken this close to you. I did not say you lay with the woman, I said you were in her bed. The difference is why you are being given a chance to remain in the Brotherhood." I stepped closer, my height an advantage I used at times like this. "Listen closely. You are being given one last chance to redeem yourself, to keep the honor your service gives to you and your family, to prove yourself worthy of the trust Cassiel gave you when he let you become a full member. Go to the carriage."

[Émile d’Ames]

My mouth set in a hard line, I shifted my gaze from the Prefect to the Queen. I stepped out from under the Prefect's shadow, hands moving away from my daggers in case anyone felt that a terminus was forthcoming. It was only when I stood before her that I carefully removed my weapons and lay them at her feet before kneeling myself.

"Your Majesty," I began. "I apologize for having failed you. It seems that everyone expected a Perfect Companion and all they received was a weak man. I am not Joscelin Verreuil, but neither am I David de Rocaille--here I would spit but we are in polite company." I stole a glance around at my comrades, some were better at pretending not to observe us than others.

"I might as well also apologize for burdening you with the matter which I now place before you." I continued. "For I would seek Elua's opinion on the matter. Say the word, Your Majesty, and I will go. I will forsake my family--again--and I will leave the City of Elua behind, and perhaps once I've guarded enough caravans the Brotherhood will allow me to serve a noble equal to my brother in status, if I am not too old to fight by then. Or, if you prefer, you could accept my sword in your service. The livery of House Courcel is very pretty, or perhaps Your Majesty requires a royal footstool?" I smiled briefly before schooling my expression to something more neutral.

[Sabrina de la Courcel (D)]

The words spat back and forth between them made me want pull away and really not be a part of the situation. Watching them, I raised my hand and placed it over my mouth so that I could hide my reactions.

When Emile came before me, kneeing, I couldn't help but feel sorry for him, I couldn't help but think about what would I want some one to do if I had made a mistake. For a moment I knit my brows, looking between him and the Prefect as I thought about what was put before me. Swallowing I turned my head and looked away, my finger tips touching my lips before I looked back to Emile.
"If it is your wish," I began softly. "To... leave... the brotherhood, then I will of course accept you as my personal guard." I took a breath and looked at the Prefect.
"My lord Prefect, despite Emile's actions, he has been a stalward keeper of my person and though I understand the seriousness of his offence to the Brotherhood, to me I can not begrude him for making a mistake." I looked at Emile then and smiled gently.

[Émile d’Ames]

I could not help but smile at her words, rising, I faced the Prefect. "My lord, I believe Elua has spoken. I suppose, should the teachings of the Brotherhood hold true, I will take my chances in Hell."

[Prefect Sache Adolphe]

“This has nothing to do with Elua or any other of the Misguided,” I spat. “You delude yourself if you think this some sort of noble action, some sort of altruistic choice. You have just given up everything you dedicated your life to; you have turned your back on the gods and on honor. Your vows bind in this lifetime and another.”

My rigid spine tightened to the point of cracking but then I bowed the perfect Casseline bow, as I rose, I broke the air with my hands and cast them aside. “Emile d’Ames of the Casseline Brotherhood, I declare you anathema,” I said.

I held out my hand. “Your sword and daggers.”

[Émile d’Ames]

"Chains which are broken cannot bind a man," I replied as I retrieved my weapons. "We had a good run, my dears," I said, gently running my thumb over the flat of my sword's blade before holding them out to the Prefect.

"May they cut the first man who tries to wield them," I said, giving him a wan smile. They had been my first true blades, and although I could have new ones forged, it still hurt to have to give them up.

[Prefect Sache Adolphe]

“Vows made to the Gods are not chains, but bindings on the soul,” I replied. “That you wish harm on another who wishes to fulfill his vows shows the failings in your heart.”

I took the weapons and handed them off to the Brother standing nearest me. “Your vambraces,” I said, holding out my hand to Emile again.

[Émile d’Ames]

"The gods will judge my failings, not you," I replied, carefully removing my vambraces and holding them out to him. "Now, shall I strip naked or have you humiliated me enough in front of my ward?"

[Prefect Sache Adolphe]

“Any humiliation that has occurred, you brought on yourself Emile,” I said, handing off the vambraces as well. “You would do well by your ‘ward’ to learn your place in society and how to speak to and act around those who rank above you.”

With that, I no longer looked at him, but through him again. Then I turned and bowed to the Queen in the Casseline manner. “Your majesty, the Brotherhood is at your service as always,” I told her.

[Sabrina de la Courcel (D)]

I felt sorry for Emile, mostly because I had to agree with the Prefect; this was Emile's doing and more then anything Emile's actions showed he was still young, still immature in a fashion. He would make a good guard, but I feared Emile was simply not suited for the Cassieline life style.
"Thank you my lord Prefect." I replied and bowed my head a little to him.

[Émile d’Ames]

Neither of them were paying any attention to me, which was to be expected, but at that time I had not yet felt the crushing weight of my decisions, hiding as I was behind my mask of bravado.

It did not seem right to give a proper Cassiline bow when I was now anathema, so instead I placed a closed fist over my heart and bowed. "My lord," I murmured, before turning to the Queen. "Your Majesty, I need...time, please."

Time to forge new weapons, time to take stock of the cost of my choices, time to weep, if necessary, time to seek penance at the temple of Kushiel, time to endure my family's disappointment, time to plan for the future.

[Sabrina de la Courcel (D)]

I turned to Emile then and offered him a kind smile.
"Of course." I answered him. "You have a fort night in which to make any arrangements you need as well as a respite from your duties. You are then to return to me and we will discuss where to go from here."

[Émile d’Ames]

"A fortnight," I repeated, bowing again. "I will take my leave of you, then, Your Majesty." I stole one last glance at the Prefect before backing out of the room and closing the door behind me.

The guard who had shadowed me faithfully asked no questions when I emerged--I suppose my weaponless state told of what had transpired--but silently fell into step as I briskly walked through the halls, seeking the first portal that would allow me access to the outside world.

[Prefect Sache Adolphe]

So dedicated to his ward was he that the first thing he asked was for time away from protecting her. My jaw tightened, but he was not my care any longer.

"Your majesty, you have the Brotherhood's apologies for its failings in sending you a guard not suited for the duty. Will you accept a replacement?" I asked.

[Sabrina de la Courcel (D)]

I watched as Emile went, my gaze still on the door as the Prefect spoke. Taking a deep breath I looked at him finally and exhaled.
"Perhaps," I said in a diplomatic fashion. "In days of old it wasn't uncommon to have two Cassiline's guard a member of the monarchy." I quirked a brow.
"We'll see how Emile does now that he's Anathema."

[Prefect Sache Adolphe]

"If you will accept them, Brother Rogier and Brother Laurence would be honored to have the posting. They are both dedicated to the service and have my full trust," I told her.

[Sabrina de la Courcel (D)]

"If and when I decide to take another Cassiline to ward me, I'll be sure to choose them myself this time." I replied. "But thank you my lord Prefect." I added. "I believe we are finished here; I'll contact you if I need you."

[Prefect Sache Adolphe]

My jaw tightened again and I nearly spoke my thought about how she was the one chosing to keep emile on, the one who had allowed him to opportunity to have such time away from her.

With a gesture of my hand, I dismissed the other Brothers from the room as I looked at her for a long moment. Misguided for certain, she nearly shone with it.

I bowed to her again, less deeply this time, and turned on my heel leaving the room in two long steps. Perhaps the heir to the throne would be of better mind, for it was likely the Queen wasn't going to last long with the guards she was trusting.