Seeking Comfort in the Past

[Sophine Shahrizai de Amodour]

When I left my brother's house I hadn't any intention of seeking out anyone, most particularly my estranged foster brother. But my feet seemed to have a will of their own, and I stood near the house where I knew that he resided, debating on whether or not I should knock on the door.

It had been several days since the fire, but this was the first time I had left Guy's house. I was perilously close to my own home, here in the West Borough, but I hadn't the courage to see it yet, though a man from the guard had come and told Guy and I that we may, in case there was anything to be salvaged. What could there be that I would even want? My sister was dead, and that was the only thought that stuck in my brain.

I wanted comfort, and I wanted it from someone that I knew. My brother meant well, but I had only really gotten to know him over several months, and Sandrine as well. As close as she and I were, there was no substitute for someone that you had known almost all of your life. I had already written to his sister, who had sent condolences and offered me a place back at their home in Kusheth, and I was actually considering going. Maybe that was what brought me here?

I took a deep breath and moved up the walkway, knocking lightly on the door, torn between hoping that Maric was there or that he wasn't.

[Maric du Verais]

I had been wandering the house a bit in search of food, Azriel had taken to locking himself in his room or study, which usually meant I was alone in the afternoons when Lilli wasn't here. It happened to be a particular day when she was out and as I rounded the corner I head a knock at the door. None of the maids had come flying in to open it, and since I was close by, I opened in myself. What I found was not exactly what I had been expecting.

"Sophine?" I asked as I looked at her, knitting my brows in confusion before I glanced back into the house... No one was coming... so I looked back at her.
"What are you doing here?"

[Sophine Shahrizai de Amodour]

Now that I was face to face with him, I found myself a bit tongue-tied. "I...uh...nothing in particular..." I answered lamely, feeling more than a little foolish. "I just wanted to see you, I suppose. To talk to you." Please, please, please let him not still be so angry.

"Can I come in?"

[Maric du Verais]

I stared at her for a moment, a little dumbstruck at what to say. On one hand I still bore animosity toward Sophine, and perhaps even a few feelings. But on the other, I was in a sense "with" Lilli, and I was committed to showing Lilli that I cared about her. I wasn't sure what to think, and I was slightly worried at what being alone with Sophine would do to me.
"Uh.." I began as I thought. "Yes... yes of course, come in." I said gesturing for her to enter. Despite the warning in my mind, I thought it best not to be rude considering my history with her.

[Sophine Shahrizai de Amodour]

"Thank you." I said, relieved that he hadn't simply slammed the door in my face. Not that I really could have blamed him if he had, but I was relieved nonetheless. "To be honest," I began, smiling half-heartedly, wondering if the dark circles under my eyes and the fact that I hadn't bothered to brush my hair in days was obvious, "I'm not really sure why I came. I just wanted to see someone from home, I guess. After the fire, I'm thinking of going back to Kusheth, your parents have extended the invitation." I suppose I wanted to know what he thought of this plan, as much as Kusheth felt like home to me, it was truly Maric's, and if he didn't want me there, who was I to gainsay him? I had the guilty feeling that I'd done enough to disrupt his life already.

[Maric du Verais]

I closed the door behind her and furrowed my brows as I looked at her.
"Wait, what?" I asked, confused by what she was saying. "Fire, what do you mean, what fire?" I had heard... of course there had been a rumour... about a fire... in the west district. But I had been so caught up in the things in my life I had never thought to find out who it was.... I suddenly felt sick to my stomach.
"Were you in a fire?!"

[Sophine Shahrizai de Amodour]

I don’t know why I had thought he would automatically know what I was talking about. The fire had consumed not only my family but my thoughts and feelings as well; it hadn’t occurred to me that there were people who remained unaffected. “Not me…” I said, feeling my stomach twist the way it did whenever I thought about it. “I wasn’t there.” I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. I had to start at the beginning, however hard it was. “Dyan and I had a fight, so I snuck out and spent the night at a friend’s. In the morning I felt badly about it, so I went home early to talk to her…” Here I paused, back for a moment in the street, watching thick black smoke pour up from the ruins of my sister’s house. “The house had burned down overnight. Only my niece survived.” And me, I thought, guilty and relieved all at once. I hadn’t realized I was crying, but I was suddenly aware of wetness on my cheeks and I reached up to wipe it away. All I ever did anymore was cry, it seemed. “My father’s coming, and I thought to ask him if I could just go back to Kusheth.” The more I thought about the comfort of Lilli and even Maric’s parents, who had always treated me as if I were one of their own, the more I ached for it. What I really wanted was to go back in time.

[Maric du Verais]

It wasn't till she started speaking when I realized how she looked, the way she looked, and I felt like a right ass. Moving forward I wrapped my arms around her without thought and held her to me, embracing her firmly as I thought.
"I'm so sorry Sophine." I said gently, unsure what else one to say to make some one feel better after something so horrible happened to them.
"If you want to go to Kusheth you should go, I wouldn't dream of stopping you, if thats what you want."

[Sophine Shahrizai de Amodour]

I let myself be drawn into his arms, surprised at how familiar it felt, even after all this time. What I didn’t let myself do was give into the overwhelming urge to sob like a child. I had been doing too much of that lately, and I really just wanted to talk. “Thank you.” I said, feeling more relaxed than I had in ages. Maric was a good person, as I had always known, not to let our estrangement interfere when I really needed him. “I don’t know if that’s the right thing,” I said, looking up at him, “or if I’m just running away.” I sighed softly. “The last thing I ever said to Dyan was that I hated her.” I admitted, dropping my gaze in shame. “How can I stay here and face my father?”

[Maric du Verais]

I nodded softly as I looked and her as she spoke and I took her hand and led her into the private sitting room, closing the door so that we could speak without the possibility of others over hearing. I led her to a couch and sat down, tugging her to sit down next to me.
"I'm not really sure what to say," I admitted. "Though you shouldn't feel guilty, I know you do, but how were you to know that she would be caught out in a fire."

[Sophine Shahrizai de Amodour]

I followed him into the sitting room, though I barely noticed my surroundings. At another time, I might have been wide-eyed in a Shahrizai home, but now the things that had occupied my mind before seemed silly and unimportant.

Maric’s words were meant to be comforting, I knew, and even though I knew in my head that he was right, it was hard to stop the guilt. And the knowledge that if it hadn’t been for that fight, I might very well be dead myself.

“I want to believe that.” I said, running a hand through my disheveled locks. “I mean, I know you’re right, but it hurts, that I can never even tell her I’m sorry.”

[Maric du Verais]

I nodded again.
"I'm sure she knows you didn't mean it Sophine." I said softly as my hand ran up and down over her upper arm. "Because I'm sure you didn't mean it."

[Sophine Shahrizai de Amodour]

I sighed again, this time uncomfortable and anxious with what I was about to say. "No, I didn't hate her, but I didn't like her either. She was so close-minded, judgmental, so caught up in appearances. And they were both so ambitious! Maric, I felt as if the only reason I was here was so that Dyan could try to marry me up in station. I loved her because she was my sister, but no, I cannot say that I liked her."

The admission made me feel even guiltier, but these were things I had to get out, and there was no one else in all of the City that I could say them to. What would my brother have said to such words? Sandrine? They were both so kind-hearted, I feared they would be appalled at these feelings. Maric, at least, knew me. Really knew me, and knew that whatever my feelings about Dyan and Ivolde, that they weren't typical of me, that I wasn't heartless or uncaring. At least, I hoped he still thought of me that generously.

[Maric du Verais]

I nodded.
"Just because you're family with some one, doesn't mean you have to like them." I said softly. "I was pretty aware of what your sister was like, I don't think it was unfair to say she was an unlikeable person. But that doesn't make you a bad person either, it just made you two different. Theres not shame or guilt in that."

[Sophine Shahrizai de Amodour]

I wiped my tears, biting my lip thoughtfully. "Do you really think so, or are you just saying it to be nice? Be honest, I can take it." I braced myself, for I really believed that he was only trying to make me feel better. What kind of horrible person disliked her own sister? "I didn't want anything bad to happen to her though..." I added, an afterthought to take some of the guilt away, or so I hoped.

[Maric du Verais]

I shook my head softly.
"I'm not saying it just to make you feel better Sophine, I think you know me better then that." I said, my arm going around her and squeezing tighter.
"And I know you well enough to know you'd never wish something horrible like death on some one, no matter how much you disliked them."

[Sophine Shahrizai de Amodour]

I smiled, feeling more comforted than I had since this whole mess had happened. "Thank you, it means a lot that you still feel that way." I sat back a little so that I could meet his eyes.

"I'm sorry, you know, about everything. I never meant to hurt you. I don't know if that makes a difference, but I just want you to know that while I was thoughtless and immature, I was never malicious." For what it was worth, it was the truth, and I supposed it was about time that I took responsibility for what had gone between us.

[Maric du Verais]

As she spoke of the things that had passed between us, I looked down, taking my eyes away from hers. I had sort of hoped she would not bring it up, that we could simply bury the past with out conversation, but I had been wrong.
"Its, its alright." I said forcing a gentle smile as I looked up at her. "Besides, I have become fast friends with Lilli, she's helped me grow up as well."

[Sophine Shahrizai de Amodour]

I was relieved to see that most of the awkwardness appeared to be behind us, and I for one was glad to let the subject die. I smiled, the first one in days, and said, "Oh, I'm glad to hear that." I laughed softly, "It seems that you are destined to have a Lilli by your side, one way or another." I missed Lilli, his sister, and I felt a rush of homesickness that I had not felt since my first week in the City. "Do you ever miss it, Kusheth? Sometimes I hardly think of it, and others I wish I had never left."

[Maric du Verais]

I smiled at her comment about the Lilli's in my life.
"Some times, Lilli and I were not close until... until the opening of El Parra." I said realizing that it had been seeing Sophine with Luc that had caused every thing to be propelled forward.
"The first little bit I was home sick, especially after...." I cleared my throat and looked down. "After your natale." I looked back up and gave her a gentle smile.
"But when Lilli and I began to spend more time together, I missed it less. I think about it, think about the things I would be doing if I wasn't here. But I like the city, its growing on me and I like being here with Lilli, she's good for me."

[Sophine Shahrizai de Amodour]

I smiled, genuinely happy for him, and relieved to focus on something besides my own personal tragedy if even for a few minutes. "I'm glad, Maric. She seems really nice, and I'm glad you like the City... I do too, for the most part." For the first time in days Luc crossed my mind, he seemed to represent all that was good in the City for me, but it was a startling revelation that I had not even thought of him during this time.

"Sorry to show up and cry on your shoulder." I said, laughing self-consciously. I was a bit embarrassed about it, now that the worst had passed.

[Maric du Verais]

I knit my brows.
"Don't worry about it Sophine, really. No matter what happens, I'll always be your friend." I said giving her a gentle smile.
"And its not like you're crying about ruining your new slippers or something stupid, you have a right to be upset and I would never think less of you because of it."

[Sophine Shahrizai de Amodour]

I laughed, and it felt good, and strangely normal. "Thank you, Maric." I paused, then added, "Although I won't lie and say I've never cried over that very thing."

Sighing softly, I brushed my hair back out of my face. "Honestly, thank you for being so understanding, even though I have friends in the City, none of them are a substitute for you or Lilli."

[Maric du Verais]

I smiled gently and nodded.
"I understand." I said as I ran my hand up and down her back once more in a soothing fashion. "You can come talk to me when ever you like alright." I offered.

[Sophine Shahrizai de Amodour]

"I appreciate it," I said, feeling as if a great weight had been lifted off of my shoulders. I don't think I had realized how much our estrangement weighed on me, until it was gone, finally.

I leaned forward and hugged him tightly. "I'm glad I came," I said softly. "You really are a true friend." I let go and rose from the couch. "We should get together sometime, me, you and Lilli. I'd love to meet her."

[Maric du Verais]

I felt a little awkward embracing her, but did it any way, smiling as I did; and when she rose, so did I smiling gently at her.
"That would be nice." I replied. "And I'm glad that I could help." I added.

[Sophine Shahrizai de Amodour]

"You really did," I said, feeling that awkwardness come over us. "I uh guess I should get back, Guy will be worried." I smiled at him as I walked back toward the front door, letting myself glance around and really see the house for the first time. "I'm glad you're happy here, Maric, I really am. And I'm looking forward to meeting your foster-family one of these days."

[Maric du Verais]

I stayed where I was, not risking to go over and say good bye, despite my honest thoughts about letting the bad things fall away, I felt frightened that if I spent too much time around her, I'd have feelings for her again, and I didn't want that. Lilli was... everything to me, I wasn't going to let her down. Nodding to her as she spoke, I smiled.
"I'd like that, perhaps lunch one day."

[Sophine Shahrizai de Amodour]

"That would be lovely," I said, brushing a hand through my somewhat disheveled locks. "Well, I can see myself out..." I said, smiling softly at him. I felt so relieved that while we would never again be as we were, at least we were still friends. Perhaps it was selfish of me, but I needed this connection to my past to help me deal with the turmoil of the present.

[Maric du Verais]

I nodded gently.
"Take care Sophine, if you ever need me, you know where I am. Feel free to come over or write." I offered smiling.